Last night was a rough one. At 9 PM I started crying and couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. I cried all over Tucker and then Murray and I would have cried all over Pookum but she’s too grumpy right now. And then I thought about Schmitty and that was pretty much the end of that. I was sobbing. The cats have become the objects representing all my potential failures and the beings that remind me that I am unable to control everything. Tobyjoe holds me every night and says things like, “You’re just like everyone else only you’ve lost the ability to hide it. This will pass. Know that it will pass but let it out in the meantime.” He’s a saint, that one.
And right now I feel fine, rejuvenated, ready for the day, happy even. This is hard, motherhood. It’s hard letting go of being pregnant, letting go of my independence. It’s hard letting go of the past – all 33 years of it. This is the first time that my life has actually changed forever and entirely. I don’t want to go back to the way it used to be – wouldn’t trade this for the world. I have a beautiful baby boy now but I’m in mourning. It’s impossible not to be.
We watched Mythbusters last night and I started to cry because I used to watch Mythbusters every day during the third trimester. Murray and I would sit there, he’d be next to me or on my great big belly and we’d watch TV and I would bitch about being fat and immobile. I’ve been doing the, “Last week at this time” or “Last month at this time” a lot lately, which is a sure sign that I’m depressed but it’s also a sign that I’m recovering. I guess I just need a little overlap.
The good news is, I lost 23 pounds in 7 days. I have 8 more pounds to lose in order to get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and then 10 pounds after that because I want to feel thin again. Oh, and my ankles are back.
(Excuse the sock marks. I’m still a bit parched from all this bloody pumping.)
Here is how they looked in the hospital. Sadly, I do not have a shot without my shoes and socks on. They were insanely huge. And they hurt like hell.