There’s so much to write, I don’t even know where to begin. And I’m going to wait on all the glorious birthing details because it’s just such a massively long story, I’m currently trying to come up with a way in which to share it all without having it turn into one, really long post. It might take me a while to finish, but I need to do this because in time I’m certain my memory will fade and I simply must hold onto this one. It’s far too important to let age, diminish, and crumble.
The mornings are incredible and the days are filled with “I love you so much, little guy.” And, “You’re the single most amazing thing I have ever done.” But the nights have been a bit rough. At dusk, I am suddenly hit with a deep feeling of sorrow. I know it’s chemical, but it doesn’t stop me from crying. I sit around and sigh. It’s weird, this feeling of sorrow. I haven’t felt this variety since I was a kid. I have adult things to worry about now instead of monsters, dark closets, and poltergeists so the feelings are a lot more intense. I know this will pass but it doesn’t make it any less real.
I know it to be a cliché but I love this little person more than I can put into words. I spend hours on end just staring at him, reminding myself that I did this! I created this little person, his ears, nose, mouth, fingers, toes, and lips – even his miniature plumber butt. This realization is enough to bring a person to their knees. And I’m an entirely different person from the one I was a week ago.
(Mama needs a lesson or two in how to put a diaper on. Oops! Probably the smallest plumber butt ever.)
I’ll write more in time. I want to compile my birthing story (in a certain fashion) and really capture the time I spent with Emory in recovery (which was a very trying time for me/us both physically and emotionally). In the meantime, I’ll just write about how much I love him and how amazing it is to be a mother. Oh, and there’s Myrtle Man, aka Murray to reckon with as well. (Tuesdays with Murray are not over – not at all – but they might be on hold or half-assed until things settle down a bit.)
COngratulations michele and Toby Jo,
I think every feeling you have is normal especially the dusk ones. It’s miraculous how much we love our children, and it is undescribable.
I know when I first had Lucie I cried at the thought of having to protect her. How could I keep her safe, especially from school bullies, and unfair teachers , and getting dumped etc… I figured I could do the physical.
Anyway now she is 7 and I see she can do it herself so I am becoming less scared.
That little man of yours is so lucky to have parents who will teach him to look after himself and love him every second that they are alive. Really that’s all it is about.
It’s possible that the plumber butt is the result of an inordinately long butt crack and not your inexperience at diapering at all! I have a niece who turns 5 today, and until she was 3, no diaper/training pants/real pants could contain what we deemed The World’s Longest Butt Crack. Also, I’m working on your “Vag-Free and Proud To Be” onesie… I bought 3-6 mos. because I knew I wouldn’t finish it in time for newborns or 0-3 mos.
you should take all the time you need because this will never come back and it’s so important! i hope the blues will be over fast and the nights more relaxed soon. sending a big hug your way. :)
Aw, thanks for posting anything! The photos of Emory with TJ make me melt…so awesome. I wanna see some photos of you with your son, too, so can you put in a request to TJ for me? :-)
It is good you are recognizing the sorrowful feelings as real while also acknowledging the hormonal mess your body is right now. Ride the waves out and know that if it gets worse or does not improve, that there is help. PPD is no joke, right, so take care of yourself!
I’m just so damn happy for you, Michele. I know you and TJ are already some of the coolest, most loving parents around.
Aww I never thought I’d say this, but that is one cute plumber butt.
It took me a solid year to get back to “normal”. Post preg adjustments, breast feeding, not breast feeding. Man it will make you Jekyll and Hyde. I think for me, I was really sad because I was no longer pregnant. despite what we all want when we are in our 38+ week, the focus shifts from you to the baby and it has an impact on you. Oh, and I still have this wave of “if anyone tries to hurt my baby girl (she is 2 now) I will end up in prison” every once in a while which makes it almost impossible to function for a couple of minutes and then I have to snap out of it. That is usually followed by, “how could I ever function without Grace in my life”. Then I open some wine and get over myself. Motherhood is a life sentence.
Hang in there, Michele. Your body has just been through an awful lot and no doubt your mind needs some time to catch up. Go easy on yourself!
Those pictures just make me melt. That little plumber butt is the BEST thing I’ve seen all day!
Emory is one very lucky little boy. And give Murray a hug from me too, so he doesn’t feel left out. :-)
Know this much – all of us are thrilled you’re all healthy and safe and that you’re in our hearts.
Also, I love how Tucker was on Emory’s changing table. Cats are magical!
I always called ‘em “pencil-holder’s,” but that wuld be one teeny tiny pencil! So precious!
His crack is normal-size. Michele just had an interesting diapering experience that time.
that is some adorable baby crack.
hang in there. you are doing great.
That is such a cute diaper tush! I remember being caught in the hormonal wave. I liked to cry in the shower. What you are feeling is real, just be sure to talk about your feelings with TJ and/or a doctor if you need to. Take as much time as you need to savour time with Emory. The first few weeks are magical. Enjoy!
I had no idea how common this was. It’s bittersweet knowing so many women take time alone to cry. I have read email lately that suggest this is entirely more common then I would have guessed. Some cry at the foot of the bed at night, some cry in the shower, the stories have been heartwarming, people. Thank you. you have no idea how much it helps.
I’m sorry to hear about your baby blues, but the hormone crackhouse that was your body for the last 40 weeks has cut off the supply a bit michele. I know it happened with Catherine after Clara was born, and thankfully it soon passed. I hope it passes quickly for you too.
Isn’t it just utterly amazing that you are now three?? Clara is almost 6 months old and I am still utterly amazed at it all. It’s such an intense threshold it’s sometimes hard to recognise the person you once were when you find old letters or meet old friends.
I’m so happy for you guys. Parenthood could not come to better people.
That tiny butt is KILLING ME.
After having two girls I can safely say that you are not alone in your pure love and mixed emotions after birth. I love my children more than air. Welcome to the club! Dive on in the water’s warm!
congrats to you guys and welcome to wee emory! i had my baby on 7/19, and have spent many an hour since crying, in happiness and sadness, so i am there with you. i think it’s finally getting better after 4 weeks. i feel like every day is a little easier than the day before as the baby becomes a little person. it’s a hard job, huh? i expected that but am still a little shell shocked. anyway, i’ll look forward to reading about your experiences – i don’t know too many new moms and it really helps to hear what we’re going through is normal and common…
we had the formula situation too (jaundice – blah) but we’re off it now, and the diaper situation is much improved with breastmilk (because? gross.)
It is interesting how common all these feelings and situations are with new moms, but how little we really know beforehand. It is a total secret club that you can’t join until you become a mom. We can all read a million books, but we are never really prepared for the flood that overtakes every ounce of our being when we become mothers.
I think we have to give up our old selves to become good mothers (this is my opinion, of course) and we gain a new self in the process. We learn skills and strengths, and even weaknesses, we didn’t realize we had. I found this process to be really challenging and still do. But it is worth everything.
Today I cried with total happiness as my 4 year old, who has struggled with language delays and anxiety and sensory issues, had her second swim class and she nailed it. She walked out of the class and looked a me and said, “Mom, I love you!” and she was so proud and so happy and shit, that was the greatest moment ever. This is a kid who, up until now, couldn’t participate in any group class without either clinging to me or screaming through the class. When your kid reaches a milestone and you see that pride on their little face – it is the most amazing thing.
Michele, thanks for sharing that story. I can’t wait until I reach a milestone such as the one you described above. At this point, I am looking toward that magical six month mark I read about (even though, I love him so small) where he smiles all big at me, recognizing who his mama is. :] I can’t wait. Now, he listens to my voice. That’s pretty amazing.