"Hello, Michele. I have heard a lot about you."

Underneath the thick, white layer of blubber that was once my belly is a new hardness, a hardness made up of baby, placenta, amniotic fluid and maybe a little bit of muscle. After 20 weeks, the amniotic fluid consists mainly of urine, which means my belly is full of baby, placenta and urine; urine that the baby breaths in and out. Not to worry, however, because drinking urine is totally safe for the baby and is replenished with fresh urine every day.

Since it’s perfectly natural for babies to drink their own urine, and they have been doing so for a gazillion years, I’ve decided that I’m OK with it. But sometimes when the kid punches me in the bladder or kicks me in the rib, I’ll taunt him. I’ll say, “URINE DRINKER! PEE EATER!” And then sometimes Tobyjoe will lean in really close to my belly and say things like, “What are you doing in there? Enjoying a little pee? Yummmmm, peeeee.” And then sometimes Tobyjoe gets kicked in the face. And that makes me laugh.

I read somewhere that some toddlers have been known to speak certain words or phrases their mothers said during the last four months of their pregnancy. The example given in the article was a story about a toddler who said, “Breath in. Breath out.” very early on. (Future yoga instructor?) And this news made me wonder. It made me wonder about how much babies hear. It made me wonder why babies say certain things. For example, it makes me wonder why my first word was “Shit.” (Future anally fixated blogger?)

I had a really vivid dream 8 months ago. I never wrote about it because dreams can be really boring to read about. But it kind of goes with this particular story so I figured it’s due time. In my dream I was pregnant. (I was not yet pregnant in real life.) I gave birth to a little boy. He had a thick head of black hair. He was as cute as a button. He was born wearing glasses. (He looked like Robert Downey Jr.) It was the same day of my delivery and the two of us were sitting together in a room by ourselves. He was on my lap. I looked down at him and he looked up at me through his Buddy Holly glasses and said, “Hello, Michele. I have heard a lot about you.”

I put him down for a nap and then I walked out of the room to talk to my mother. I said, “Mom, I think we’ve got a really smart baby on our hands.” And she said, “Everyone says that about their own children” And I said, “But this one’s wearing glasses.”

(I bet you thought I thought he was smart because words came out of his mouth on the very same day he was born. No way, man.)

Now that I’m actually pregnant in real life, Tobyjoe talks to him a lot. He’ll say things like, “Your mother keeps saying that she’s fat. But really she’s pregnant with you. She complains a lot but don’t let that get you down because I want you.” and “Your mother is crazy because she likes Tucker. Tucker is insane. Do not trust any of the redheads in this house.”

All that being said, if our son comes out with a thick head of hair and he’s wearing glasses, I don’t think his first words are going to be “URINE DRINKER!” or “PEE EATER!” after all. This helps me to breath easier. And I’ll finally prove to the world that my dreams aren’t dreams after all.

And then watch out, Alison Dubois.


  1. Your dreams will only get weirder…

    Hey – read about Schmitty. I’m so sorry he’s ill. I hope he is feeling better. If you decide to put up a paypal or amazon link for a health fund, we’d be happy to contribute.

    I am passing this along because I thought you might need some cheering up. Be sure and check out the slide show/Peep Show…


  2. Hi Michele. I’ve been reading along and grinning from earlobe to earlobe for you and Tobyjoe and your baby for a while now. Your writing is succicnt and touching and very, very good.
    I suspect one of the things you’ve been waiting your whole life for is to be a mom. Lucky boy.


  3. maybe he’ll develop a robert downey jr-like addiction…for drinking his own pee.


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