Kicked In the Sphincter By Karma

I woke up at 10:00 AM today. I’m a little shocked by this feat. Lately, I haven’t been able to sleep much at all. I headed to the gym after prying myself out of bed. I did 30 minutes worth of cardio and then hit the mats to do some stretching. After that, I headed to the weights. All in all, I had a great workout, felt like I accomplished something and after yesterday’s Biggest Loser Marathon, one might say I was inspired.

I was famished when I left and every time I work out I immediately crave sandwiches, more specifically, sandwiches smothered in salt and pepper and oil and vinegar. (Oh, how I love me some vinegar.) I wanted a veggie sub from Subway but I’m trying to avoid the big chains these days. It’s a long story, I guess I just don’t feel safe eating that kind of stuff this close to New Jersey. Today, not unlike almost every other day last week, I decided on Bagelsmith. I ordered a roll with cheddar cheese, provolone, lettuce, spicy mustard and a whole slew of oil and vinegar. I was so excited.

I drove home, which is the distance of about a mile. When I arrived back to the neighborhood it was 12:36 PM and there wasn’t any street parking. The Tuesday side of the street would be off limits for another 20+ minutes. I drove around the block a few times, looked under the BQE, nothing was open. And I was hungry. And everyone knows how I get when I’m hungry.

As I drove around aimlessly looking for imaginary parking, I finally decided that instead of wasting gas looking for a parking spot, why not just park on the Tuesday side, consume my sandwich, and wait until 1 PM? Plus, if I spent 20 minutes today waiting for legal parking, I wouldn’t have to move it again until Friday. That’s what I did. I parked directly across the street from our apartment and began to eat my lunch.

I kept the keys cocked and the car ready for motion on the off chance some lazy parking attendant showed up. (Our parking ticket attendants are so lazy, they don’t get out of their cars in order to remove the duct tape from a car’s license plate when it sits on the sidewalk at the local mechanic. In fact, one time when it was raining I got a ticket for an expired inspection. But here’s the thing, they never actually got out of their vehicle in order to give me the ticket. It’s a good thing I’m such a parking ticket regular because had I not been online to pay another ticket, I never would have seen that one. At first I thought the ticket was stolen for some reason but a local mechanic once told me that if there’s any obstacle at all, the lazy parking attendants won’t get out of their car. And weather is a huge obstacle for them.) I really don’t have a lot of nice things to say about NYC parking attendants. And I certainly wasn’t going to let anyone give me a ticket.

So I sat there. I sat there for 20 minutes waiting until the clock struck 1 PM. And it wasn’t so bad because there’s nothing more soothing than a sun heated car in the winter. It felt really nice. I almost fell asleep.

I drive an old Volvo. On older Volvos, one must hold the handle up in order to lock the front car doors. So, you push the lock down, hold the handle up, and push the door shut. I don’t mind the extra step because it keeps me from locking my keys in the car, which would suck because we lost our other set of keys over a year ago.

I got out of the car at 1 PM and locked the door. It was right at that very moment I realized that the get away car was still cocked and ready to go. I looked in the window and saw the keys dangling from the ignition. Looks like the lazy parking meter people got the last laugh after all.

The car doesn’t have to move until Friday but I have no idea how I’m going to get into it. I guess we’ll have to pry the already broken sunroof open. What a pain in my ass. Welcome to 2007. Welcome to post number one within the ever long series entitled “Mihow Does Something Stupid”.


  1. I will say that this is one good thing about having OnStar. You call them and they ping your vehicle to unlock it.

    When I was younger, I managed to lock myself out of my car a few times. Back then, a well shaped coat hanger sufficed to get me back into the car.

    Around here, law enforcement will come out to break into your car for you. In the absence of that, you might try a locksmith or a towing company… do you have AAA?


  2. Oh my god! I do have AAA! I totally forgot about that option!

    Wow, I’m so glad I admit to stupid shit. :] Maybe I’ll call them. I wonder if they might fix my sunroof while they’re here. heh


  3. The great thing about old cars is that they have mechanical locks. You should have no problem getting the car open.

    And really, the keys should be easy to duplicate at any hardware store. Why not make another set? It’s not like cars today with the fancy electronic anti-theft devices.

    And here I thought this posting was going to be about some sort of salt- and vinegar-induced laxative effect. I guess that’s just MY problem.


  4. “which would suck because we lost our other set of keys over a year ago”

    why didn’t you make a new set when that happened?


  5. We tried. We tried twice. Both places didn’t have the right type of key. They didn’t have a volvo key dating back before 1980.

    I’m dumb but not that stupid. :]

    You know, the one guy said if we brought the car with us (we were on foot the one time) he would check to see if the 1980 version fit into the car – the blank. So I’ll give that a shot once we rescue the ones we do have from the car.


  6. Hmm……..well, no, chances are the 1980 blank won’t fit….but then again I could be wrong…….then again, this is essentially 1975 problem for a 2006 werld……I would endeavour to find a “real” locksmith [i.e. functions in a pre-1980 world] otherwise, give IPD a call…look’em up onda internet…..they hopefully can point you to a blank supplier….

    A) You can totally get your car open w/ a “slim jim” type accessory, SEMI-EASILY [heart emoticon]…..other than thatI I’ll endeavour to hunt around locally for a locksmith that can make MY KEY [also a 1975 Volvo 164e] and I can send you some blanks [or tell your locksmith where to source them] but YEAH, IMPRESSED :D:D

    B) I was always under the impression that is was impossible to lock yourself out of these beasts [yet another reason to love them…….[then again, I don’t have a sunroof [except on my existing 740 turbo wagon]….since…oh, well nevermind.


  7. I need to know…why can’t you eat at big food chains because you ive close to NJ? I just can’t think of any reason. I know there must be one though.



  8. Re; Meghan LMAO>>>>>>>YOU GO GRRRRRRIRL


  9. i still don’t get it. Maybe, it is because I am Canadian, or maybe because I live overseas, maybe because I am jet lagged, or possibly that 33 hour journey with two kids and no husband. I just don’t get it. I feel so not “in”.


  10. It’s OK, not many people outside of NYC or NJ would get it. Recently there was a whole Taco Bell fiasco where everyone was getting really sick from eating there. They were getting E. Coli. At first they thought it was the meat, then it might have been the spinach, in the end, they had no idea what it was.

    It was just a joke, really. You’re totally not supposed to get it. :] Sorry, Meghan.


  11. You should definitely just call AAA. If you don’t use them, you’re just giving them your $ for nothin’ (unless you use it for those discounts that nobody takes advantage of). A slim-jim will work too, as someone said, but i’ve done that before, and can be a serious pain in the arse.

    To get a new set of keys, you probably have to go to a Volvo dealership. I’ve never been able to get spare car keys from anywhere but the dealer. Blanks that old are hard to come by, but dealers should have access…


  12. AAA came. They arrived at 11:30. It took forever but the car is open. He tried everything from a crowbar to a coat hanger to some huge metal rod. I even helped and still, nothing. Finally, I suggested he use the sunroof. It’s already broken. He got on top of the car and pushed it open using his hands and a screwdriver.

    Now, I can’t get it closed.

    I love that car, but I think it might be time to break up with her.


  13. sounds to me like you should do what i did while living on Devo street….stop locking the car. there was some bum who kept breaking into my car and sleeping there. so i stopped locking it and i left a pillow and some old blankets in there. never had to worry about a broken window or jimmied door …and they never pee’d in my car either so i was thankful. that was ten years ago and who knows how things have changed for the worse off the L-train. ; )


  14. Actually, it’s a lot safer here these days mostly because they are building up the waterfront (300 sq foot apts cost anywhere from 600 grand to 1.5 million) so they’re pushing out the poor, the middle class, as well as anyone who makes even a decent salary. It’s safe as hell, but not affordable at all.

    I probably will stop locking the car. Might even leave the keys in the ignition as well. That way, if someone steals the thing, I won’t have to find a home for it once we do break up.


  15. they’re building up the waterfront and razing the inland areas to compete.

    go go no lease/rent stabaliation laws.


  16. A guy I went to grad school with (a big fan of the Situationist International) moved to Brooklyn and has been spraypainting and tagging Williasmburg with Yuppie Go Home for years. He got arrested in Buffalo for nailing a pair of panties to a church door, igniting them, and then retreating to the bushes to masturbate.


  17. This is exactly why I don’t wear underpants.


  18. Oh, and I have seen this man’s work, his earlir work.


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