Hello, Rick Moody.

The other night a woman Toby Joe and I barely know asked if she could come home with us. Her exact words were, “I’d go home with you tonight and at least do oral.”

A declaration we dodged with nervous laughter, quickly changing the subject by directing our attention to Gerry. The alarming part was that it came out of nowhere. It’s also kind of strange because this sort of thing has happened before, too. Collectively, Toby Joe and I must give off threesome pheromones.

About a month ago, we were standing on the L platform at Union Square waiting for the train. There was a woman waiting there. A different woman than the one from the other night. I recognized her but wasn’t sure how or why. Much like a steamed mirror, her identity began to clear up. At first, all I knew was that I knew her face. Minutes later, I figured out the setting. She was a bartender or a waitress. I knew that. I asked Toby to help me, but he claimed he’d never seen her before. As we boarded the train, I remembered where I knew her from. She was a waitress at a place we frequent.

No, she’s not.

Wanna make a bet? I know that she is.

No, she’s not.

I had to prove him wrong. Rarely, do I win bets. But this one I had in the bag. I went up to her on the train.

Hey there. You wouldn’t by any chance work at __, would you?

She smiled and turned off her iPod. I had to repeat the question.

Yes, I do as a matter of fact. My name is Jen.

(Named changed, of course.)

I’m Michele.

Jen kept looking towards Toby Joe. We had a few more sentences of small talk when she finally asked for some more information.

What’s your friend’s name?

She nodded in that way, that way that one nods when they like what they see, as if to say, “what’s in the bag?” on the day of their birthday.

I’m not sure WHY I didn’t correct her in saying that he was my husband. I think I figured that if I was misreading her, then I’d come off as an over-protective wife.

My friend’s name is Toby.

She stepped beyond me to shake his hand. Toby shyly introduced himself. She got off at Lorimer and I reenacted the entire scenario, making it more and more sexual each time.

We frequent this establishment. We’re there at least once a week, actually. And each time we go and Jen is working, she is more and more affectionate towards Toby Joe. One time, she stroked his tattoo. Another time, she rubbed over his back. I laugh about it every time. She’s quite affectionate towards me as well, but she doesn’t spend as much time touching me. I think she has bigger eyes for Toby.

Last Friday, we tried to figure out just what was up with her. I came up with three possible scenarios:

  • 1). She is in love with Toby Joe.
  • 2). She is in love with me and thinks Toby Joe is gay.
  • 3). She is a dirty girl and wants to do us both in the pants.

Because I’m pretty sure she’s not just friendly. There are ulterior motives. I’m not sure what they are but they are there. And if she’s after my man without me, I’ll flippin’ kick her ass back to Jersey.

12 Comments

  1. All of these DuMont waitress jokes make sense now…

    So she said that line friday night at dinner? I need to eat at DuMont more often.

    BTW, you two are a hard couple to pay back.

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  2. DuMont waitress jokes? What DuMont waitress jokes?

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  3. Nevermind. Toby told me.

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  4. We’re so freakin’ hot. Everyone reading this wants to sneak into our window at night. Especially all the lurkers.

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  5. Thing is, we’re not hot at all. We’re not nearly as hot as our friends. I think we just look easy. Or sleazy? Maybe they know we’ll turn them down so we’re “safe”. No idea. I really wouldn’t mind having someone do my laundry, tho.

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  6. it’s the tattoos

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  7. You are both terribly hot. You have some kind of aura that I suspect people want to get in on. And those tattoos aren’t fair either.

    Plus, you live in billburg where the naughty folks are. Naked group nerve pics- they’re all in billburg.

    The closest I came to something like this was in manhattan over a year ago when a girl I’d been talking to, a friend of a friend, attacked me like a make-out bandit in the bathroom.

    I and the guy I was with tried so so very hard to bring her home, and in the end she begged off, because (I learned later) she was a snob about going back to Brooklyn.

    ha!

    At the time I suspected she just wanted me (oh, silly vibes). This boy was not a husband or serious relationship, which I think makes a diff. I can’t seriously imagine saying “he’s amazing, you should try him” about someone I loved.

    people are hilarious. but you’re neither sleazy nor safe, no m’am.

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  8. To be honest, I wouldn’t kick her ass back to Jersey. I find it really cool when ladies find Toby Joe attractive. Who wouldn’t like that? It’s like saying I have nice shoes on or a good haircut. Only he’s not a haircut, he’s a beaner.

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  9. You guys are mucho hot…I would probably do you in the pants. But probably not because I’m shy and repressed. I would want to though. But then I would start to worry that my ass is too big, or my husband my get pissed. It’s just too complicated.

    What I’m saying is I think we should see other people. It’s not you guys, it’s me.

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  10. Well of course randy chicks want to threesome with you. Duh.

    Reply

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