With age, I am learning, seems to come this weird need for minimal amounts of control. I think it happens to people as they realize that life is basically spinning just slightly out of control at all times. So what does one do? We might as well settle for all those freakish little things.

Can’t control the traffic or the length of your commute?

Outlet: Mash the elevator button 153 times when I have already hit it once and I’m standing there, patiently waiting, ahead of you.

You might lose your job?

Outlet: Make sure you stay in that exact spot on the subway, blocking any new comers from getting on to the train. Don’t give that up, if you do then you will surely have nothing.

The life you’re living is going nowhere?

Outlet: The next time someone asks for directions, give them the BEST directions you can. If you’re angry, take your time, and send them somewhere else.

Your boss hasn’t given you a raise in over a year?

Outlet: Stand, on the very edge of the subway platform, grunt, moan, bicker, and complain after every lean into the direct path of the oncoming train. realizing that train, it ain’t comin yet.

Cuz these things? You think you can control them. But even the little things are just little moons slightly out of whack and off their axis in the big chaotic, out of control universe called life.


  1. wanna piss that person off even more?

    hit a couple floor buttons before theirs

    heh heh heh


  2. you know what? That’s not a bad idea.I will do that and sing Supertramp’s “Take the long way home” on the top of my voice.


  3. i hate when they walk into the lobby and see you standing there, staring at the elevator, the fucking button ALREADY LIT UP, and they press it – often multiple times. i HATE when people press buttons more than once. you aren’t convincing it. it’s simple fucking mechanics, and the software ignores multiple presses – it doesn’t come any faster. there is no mouse in a wheel matching its cadence to the rythm of your mashing. and when a group enters the elevator? they all press their floor, even if someone has just done so. if the doors were to open and the carriage not be there, i swear i’d give them the most gentle of shoves…


  4. This morning a woman did that to me. It set me off.

    I dislike the folks who walk through the first three layers of people on the subway platform as soon as they get down there after I have watched two trains go by because they are too crowded. They make me crazy.

    It’s not good for my rage.

    I want more jell-o.


  5. I have actually seen a real life fists to faces fight on a London Overland Train to Dulwich because one person wanted the tiny top inch and a half of window open and the other kept closing it.

    I think everyone needs ice-cream and Jelly.


  6. don’t forget cake.

    It’s most perplexing. And I think they fling flying fist faster when they realize the level of regret and stupidity they will feel later.

    I know I would.


  7. fling flying fist faster
    fling flying fist faster
    fling flying fist faster


  8. ha ha ha!

    ouch. you just blew an already blown fuse. :)


  9. mihow, I forgot to tell you. saturday night I watched a repeat of SNL and now I get your “I’m Brian Fellows” silliness.

    I laughed. A lot.


  10. DOOOOOD! I Missed it?! Ugh

    I was asleep too early. DAMN! That is joy. So is cake. Cake and Brian Fellows=overload. Don’t mix the two.


  11. I’m Brian Fellows!


  12. brian fellows is the shit. and all that elevator and public transportation madness also applies to bike riding. I ride it to work everyday, and hour and 15 mins and the part in the city is truly maddening. entire famiies with three year olds who try to bypass someone holding up all the commuters behind them. or the guy that looks around, sees you coming and decides that where he is in the middle of the road is the best place to stay.


  13. oh yeah, las week i was at a busstop, first one there, front of the line, people pile up, nod, nothing wrong, then this kid walks up as the bus pulls up, ellbows through the 6 rows of people and tries to get on first, angry looks follow, the girl (!) looking like she doesn’t know what’s up. unbelievable.


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