Toby and I are less than one month away from a would-be due date. This date has sat tucked away, safely in the basement of my mind for a while now. But it occurred to me yesterday, as one of my closest friends gets ready to welcome her new baby into the world, that my due date is upon us and that I have no idea what that day will entail.
I tend to dramatize things ahead of time, but once the situation actually arrives, it’s never as lofty as I anticipated. My imagination is a mighty steroid when it comes to anticipation and real life.
I should probably also mention that I hate Februarys. I’ve always hated Februarys. No offense to all those with birthdays or anniversaries in February; when we found out the due date was in February, I was beyond excited. Finally! I had thought. I’ll have something to look forward to every February!
But in true February fashion, no such luck! Because February is a bastard with 30-day envy.
(I write all this with humor. I assure you.)
Truthfully, I’m not sure where I’m going with this one. I’m tired, that’s for sure. Emory and I were up most the night and so my guard is down. But as I near that day, I’m left wondering: What will it feel like? What will I feel like? Will I realize that almost all babies refuse to show up on time anyway? Will I realize that it’s just another cold day in February? Will I weep? Will I be away in a hotel room with my husband? Will our setting be tropical? Or will we sit still with it at home, let it be a contemplative one.
Will I even notice it?
If this story were taking place in a novel—if she were a fictional character—she might go to the delivery ward and sit in the waiting room watching pregnant women come and go; ankles swollen plump with water; cheeks puffy from practicing breathing techniques; bellies newly vacated and deflated. She might even buy a newspaper, like she did with her first, the one born right in the middle of a tornado, the first tornado in 100 years! Because that’s what fictional characters do—they do something poignant or peculiar in order to keep our attention.
But real life tends to be less weighty than that even with all the heightened anticipation. Even in my head. Even with due dates.
And, yes. Even in February.
You’re not me but I think I would lean toward the fictional character. I would buy the newspaper (then feel horrible and waffle about how long to keep it) or sit in a playground for a long time (preferably one out back of a hospital) or take the older kid on some extravagant outing to AMNH or something. But I like to mark occasions, even shitty ones, even in small ways, just to make sure they know I’m not letting them sneak up on me.
Kizz: I will likely mark the day by pouring all sorts of love all over Emory. So, yeah. The museum is likely. That’s his favorite thanks to that damn movie, which, incidentally has NOTHING to do with the actual museum. Well, except for Dumb Dumb.
For those unfamiliar with Night at the Museum, this will mean nothing. And you can be OK with that.
My due date was going to be February 13th..I really thought I’d be pregnant by then..but so far not so good. I think it’s going to hit me pretty hard. I dread the month also. I probably will indulge in a bunch of wine…it seems to help..lol
I keep coming up with “great” suggestions for how you should handle such a tough situation… but then I realize they’re all really stupid suggestions.
I guess if I were in your place, I’d totally play it by ear. If I woke up that day feeling somewhat positive and forward-thinking, I’d try to keep that going with walks and restaurants and museums and any other activity that presented itself. But if woke up feeling shitty and powerless and teary, I’d end up on my couch with a box of tissues and chocolate and bad TV and lots of wallowing.
I strive for positive and forward-thinking, but like for most folks, that doesn’t always work. Nothing wrong with a bit of wallowing now and again.
My initial thought was that you should spend half the day with Em just showering him with affection but that you should also book something for yourself if you can get someone to watch Em. Like a massage or something. I had a massage not long after a m/c and when I was relaxed I had a really good cry… so just a thought.
Regardless, cyber hugs and prayers will be surrounding you.
February DOES suck. It always has for me and my family as well. Eliot got it wrong, February is the cruelest month.
Hang in there.
i was due in march with twins but they likely would have come in february .
im right there with ya, but i don’t have a clear date since i was always told they wouldn’t make it til their due date anyway (that was an understatement.
anyway i wish you a happy day filled with love, however you choose to honor it.