It's Crazy What I Could've Had

I wandered around Manhattan (for the first time since Em was born) with my dear friend Nico on Saturday. We had lunch outside at a café near Union Square and shopped until near exhaustion. (It was damn hot.) I got home just in time to watch the sky attack Brooklyn for several hours; the thunderstorms were awesome.

Unfortunately, due to uncertainty about where we’ll be living come December, I came home with only a ten dollar pair of sunglasses from Feline’s Basement and a small Father’s Day gift for Toby. (He enjoys making us both jam and cheese plates. I thought the nerd in him might find it funny as he sometimes writes code on graph paper.) I wanted to buy a whole lot more.

We had lunch with Brad and Laura yesterday. They are expecting a baby in July. She looks amazing, far better than I whenever I was that far along. Even her ankles looked great! Being with a pregnant woman made me realize how much I miss being pregnant. (Did I just write that out loud?)

I think I’m feeling this way lately because I’m nearing the time Em was born and will therefore fully exit a year of no longer being pregnant. I’m not sure if that makes any sense at all. I call this “The Overlap”. And usually, it’s a good thing. It usually helps me to get over something. For example, say a certain song reminds you of someone whom is no longer in your life making it difficult to hear. “The Overlap” requires listening to that song under new circumstances, with new people so that new memories are created.

I do this with food, smells, songs, periods of time, breakups, vacations, friendships, loyalties, bars, cities, towns, and now apparently pregnancies.

In this instance, however, it makes me a little sad. I’m really going to miss not being able to say, “Last year at this time, I was fully of happy hormones” or “Ndugu was kicking the shit out of me last year at this time!”

I’m not sure if that makes any sense. Maybe I’m a little nuts.

(Note to self: Must bookmark this post so that if I ever do become pregnant again I can go back at 8 months and read it and make fun of myself.)

This week should prove pretty pleasant. On Thursday we have dinner reservations at Gramercy Tavern. My mother is going to come for the day and watch Em. Toby and I are both looking forward to the night out, so much so, we passed on two R.E.M. tickets because the show conflicted with our dinner plans. A younger me would have kicked my ass for this. I simply adore R.E.M. I can’t even begin to tell you how much they mean/meant to me. But I think perhaps my older brother is the only person who will realize how crazy the choice I made really is.

I know this doesn’t make me very popular, but right now, I’d much prefer a quiet night out with my husband at a fine restaurant over standing in Madison Square Garden surrounded by thousands of other people who may or may not really give a damn about the band before them.

The times? They have a-changed, whether I agreed or not.


  1. Ahem, I like REM too!


  2. Yeah, HUGE fan over here. I once went to two of their shows back to back – one in Birmingham,AL and the next day in Atlanta, GA. Not sure I could give up tix to see them. Especially if The National and Modest Mouse are playing alongside them. LOVE all of them! ;)


  3. Sounds like you have your priorities straight to me!


  4. Well, I figure it this way, I’ve seen Modest Mouse a few times. I’ve seen REM a few times. I don’t listen to The National. We haven’t ever been to Gramercy and we won’t live here forever. The decision for the both of us came a little too easily. Toby said, “Well, I’d rather eat!”

    Plus, y’all remember that I loathe when people talk and/or sing through shows and almost every show we’ve been to in recent years has had so many really annoying concert-goers. (With the exception of a 1 AM showing of Bonnie Prince Billy and The Mountain Goats.)

    Remember This post? I can’t do that to REM. hahaha


  5. It’s been 2 years and I miss being pregnant too. I wish I could do it all over again and appreciate it more. We are planning on having another one, but I wish I could get that first pregnancy back knowing it was Henry in there. :)



  6. I understand the feelings about being pregnant. As I near the first birthday of my son I get sad that I won’t be able to say those things too. Yes, being pregnant was fun and felt great.

    I don’t blame you for preferring a night out with your husband instead of a concert. I would far rather a night out to dinner.


  7. I’m 35 and a half weeks preggo right now, and I can kind of see missing it a little. People keep asking me how I feel, and I think they expect me to give them a laundry list of annoyances, but for the most part, I feel good. I think I’ve been happier, for the last few months at least, than any point in my life I can remember. This is probably the hormonal high before a big crash, huh?


  8. I missed being pregnant almost instantly after giving birth, I loved the feeling of Charlie ( my daughter) moving in my belly, and it still astounded me the 100th time as much as it did the first. It is just so unbelievable and alien and awesome. It didn’t hurt that being pregnant gave me a darn good reason to have a giant belly too, 9 months pregnant was the firmest my stomach has ever been in my life:) lol


  9. you should check out the national. i think you might really like them.


  10. i love that graph paper cheese board – i want it! where did you get it?


  11. A place here in NY called Fishs Eddy. click here


  12. Joan Didion wrote a book called The Year of Magical Thinking, in it she talks about the year anniversary of her husband dying and how sad she was because she could no longer say “this time last year we were doing…” It is an amazing book that really goes into the root of what a person feels when they are grieving and while she is grieving the loss of a husband I think that the core is the same when grieving for anything.

    You should read it sometime when you are sure all of your hormones are evened back out, probably not a great book to read when you are super emotional.


  13. I have been reading your blog for about two months now and am utterly convinced that you are my east coast twin. I too have a 10 month old son and just saw REM last week at Red Rocks(Great show, sorry you will miss it but completely understand the reasoning). Anyway, thanks for writing your witty, touching and very relatable posts for my enjoyment but my god woman, where do you find the time?

    Here is my pathetic excuse for a blog….need I say more?


  14. The OVERLAP! I’ve been wondering what to call that for decades, now. Thank you SO much for that vital piece of vocabulary; now the weird phenomenon I thought completely unique and idiosyncratic, to say nothing of neurotic, finally has a name. Cute cutting board, too. That you spent only $10 at Filene’s Bment is nothing short of heroic. Bons baisers, the Un


  15. I just realized that I do that overlap thing too – but I never named it.


    we saw them in maryland and they rocked.
    that’s all.

    but, if i had a kid and dinner plans with hub, i’d probably have gone to dinner too.


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