We took Emory to the farmer’s market at McCarren Park earlier today. We had a good time. I was a little neurotic about the cool air, the sun, and whether or not the stroller along the bumpy, city terrain was jiggling his head too much. And then I worried about the dirt and the trash and a little girl coughing. And then I worried about the wind. But overall we had a good time.
Several months ago, when I was about 8 and half months pregnant, my brother sent me an email letting me know what medications I might need when I bring the baby home from the hospital. He said something I’ll never forget. “You work so hard during your pregnancy thinking about your pregnancy, and then the delivery of the baby, you overlook the part about bringing the baby home.”
Wait, we bring him home when we’re done? They give us the baby? Just like that? We don’t need to show ID or pass a test first?
I never wanted to have kids before I met Toby. But a few weeks after I met him I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. (The hard part was convincing him to spend the rest of his life with me.) It wasn’t long after that I started to imagine making babies with him. (What would they look like? How would they act? What would they eventually design or come up with in order to solve all the world’s problems?) I pictured babies. I pictured having babies. I pictured being pregnant and not drinking booze or coffee. I pictured avoiding seafood, European cheese, and raw meat. I even pictured pooping myself during the delivery. But there was one important thing I overlooked.
I never took my personality – all my quirks, insecurities, anxieties, knack for worry – and applied it to motherhood. And now that I finally got the job, I’ve discovered that my personality and motherhood don’t go together all that well. Because when you take my personality and mix it together with motherhood, you’re left with something that may have good intentions but ends up being potentially dangerous. It’s kind of like wrapping something up in bubble wrap only to have it suffocate to death.