Mihow

Toilet Talk.

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by

Mihow
in

The other night I came out of the bathroom and had the following conversation with my husband.

“You know, one of the few times I feel comfortable anymore is when I’m sitting on the toilet.”

“Oh, really?”

“Sometimes I just continue to sit there and do nothing.”

“You might not want to do that for too long.” He began. “You’ll get hemorrhoids.”

“No, you’re not getting it! I’m not doing that. I’m doing nothing. I pee and then I just continue to sit there. It’s really comfortable.”

“No, you’re not getting it. Just sitting on a toilet for extended periods of time can give you hemorrhoids.”

“No way. You’re making that up.”

“Am not. It’s true. Something about the way American toilets are made and how we sit on them.”

“You’re telling me that if I sit on the toilet for too long, even if I don’t actually do anything while there, I can get hemorrhoids?”

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”

“Is there ANYTHING safe and relaxing to do while pregnant?”

Comments

24 responses to “Toilet Talk.”

  1. Missy Avatar
    Missy

    Believe it or not, I had a related conversation recently. (I, like Toby, tend to shy away from poop talk.) I was informed that in India (at least some places in India), a person squats over a hole – fully squats – which supposedly puts less pressure on your bowels. Also, they wipe their poopy butts with water and their right hand. They, of course, wash their hands but most eat with their left hand.

    Or so I am told.

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  2. mihow Avatar
    mihow

    They must have the most amazing quads. No wonder they are often so damn good at yoga.

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  3. StFarmer Avatar
    StFarmer
    Reply
  4. kim Avatar
    kim

    this is SO much better than the pregnancy/baby talk i usually have to listen two with three of my best friends just having had their babies and two still pregnant… thank you.

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  5. kim Avatar
    kim

    just wondering: is that long-ass sentence even correct english with all the “having had” and “being” in it? i’m confused. but german so please bear with me…

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  6. mihow Avatar
    mihow

    You’re asking me, sweetpea? haha

    The only big mistake (and I knew what you meant so isn’t that the point of conversation anyway? I don’t judge) is that the first “Two” should be “to”. Otherwise, we’re all good. I gotcha sweet German lady.

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  7. Ciaochow Avatar
    Ciaochow

    I loved going to the bathroom in India. It’s so much easier to poop on a squat toilet! Though I did kind of miss TP.

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  8. melhow Avatar
    melhow

    This reminds me! I have a pillow to send you. It is for post-delivery but I used it near the end just because it was really comfortable to sit on. It is shaped like a toilet seat. I will add it to the collection of stuff your parents are coming to get:)

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  9. mihow Avatar
    mihow

    So, wait, why is it that this toilet seat shape is comfortable? I don’t have any… um… for lack of a better word “problems” down there. I’m totally fine in that department. it’s just that it’s really comfortable to sit on the toilet.

    Am I weird?

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  10. autumn Avatar
    autumn

    no

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  11. Meghan Avatar
    Meghan

    Missy is right about India except they use their LEFT hand for wiping and right for everything else. it’s huge Faux pas to touch with your left hand.

    After travelling I have to say there is something to be said for the wet approach of cleaning. Bidet’s , mugs, hoses etc. Really it makes hygenic sense. I think if your bottom is sore it would be better as well ( read post delivery).

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  12. chele Avatar
    chele

    LOL! Girl, you are my hero. My day starts out better when I see things like “Mihow: Toilet Talk” pop up on my screen. :)

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  13. nervous and small Avatar
    nervous and small

    My immediate neighbor just moved to Brooklyn [Prospect Heights?] on 02 May. Yesterday he was zipping around in Manhatten and stuffed his bike into the door of some jackass inna Mercedes who couldn’t bother to look before opening his door. I just recommended your blog [w/o reading the current post] for him to read while he’s licking his wounds……..

    I hope the usual Mihow fearlessness of “any topic is topical” doesn’t ahem….
    rip him a new asshole [snork]. BTW, nothing serious, just bumps, bruises, road rash, bike was OK and he road home……once again KILLER POST and I just “can’t wait” for his reaction……..

    Stay Happy Team Mihow !!

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  14. mihow Avatar
    mihow

    Hey, Meghan, do folks in India get weired out when you touch them with your left hand? Or do they understand when it’s a matter of someone just not getting it.

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  15. yarnhelmut Avatar
    yarnhelmut

    This feels like TMI, but oh well: I used to do the same thing in my younger years when i had horrible cramps. I was comfortable relaxing all abdominal muscles on the toilet. There was no need to hold anything in and I was more comfortable letting all my muscles relax. When the drugs weren’t doing much, it was the most comfortable I could be. There was probably more to it than just relaxed muscles, but whatever it was, it worked for me. It was kind of awkward with the roommates though when I was sitting on the toilet for a good long while. Awkward…

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  16. mihow Avatar
    mihow

    No, not TMI, you described it perfectly. It is about the ab muscles I think. There’s something about the way everything just sinks with gravity all the while taking every bit of weight off one’s legs, ankles and feet. Plus, I get to sit back and upright against the back of the toilet, which feels good too.

    I have to not get too used to it, however. This morning at 4 AM, I almost fell asleep there. Imagine that? Tobyjoe finds me the next morning with my pants down around my ankles, cats crawling all over me, sitting on the toilet, sleeping.

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  17. kevbo Avatar
    kevbo

    I do this sitting on the porcelain bus thing all the time. For days on end sometimes. The whole way to prevent the hemroids (that’s my spelling of it – it’s just easier) is to coat your whole assal region with Cain’s Light Mayo, wrap your area with plastic wrap (same technique as wrapping a burrito or something like that). This method really helps keep everything up in there, the mayo makes it all feel better and is ‘the glue that binds’ so to speak. The scariest part for me, was the last time I did this, when I got up, I looked into the wet abyss and saw a reflection of a greg merges head. freaked me out so bad that it ruined the rest of my day. well that was this morning so it has ruined my day to the minute. damn i need to let out a good cry.

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  18. mihow Avatar
    mihow

    Oh. My. God.

    You haven’t changed! KEVBO HASN’T CHANGED!

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  19. KidKate Avatar
    KidKate

    Unfortunately, I think TJ is right. Something about the force of gravity combined with relaxed muscles you know where. I have taken to re-pants-ing at work, putting down the toilet lid and taking a nice long break there during the workday. They probably think I have a lot of pregnancy-related bowel trouble, but they can suck it. It’s the most comfortable place in the office!

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  20. mihow Avatar
    mihow

    Maybe there’s something to be said for that whole delivering in a bathtub bit after all. I think I am soothed by water. Even if it’s toilet water.

    P.S. For those who are curious about the weirdness that KevBo wrote above, he is an old friend of mine from college. I’m talking about him in the third person right now but hopefully he’ll read this and send me an email! I haven’t heard from KevBo in almost 10 years, maybe more.

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  21. jenblossom Avatar
    jenblossom

    Do you guys have a bathtub? If so and if you can take nice warm soaks, I highly recommend you get yourself a supply of LUSH bath bombs – the Butterball ones have little bits of cocoa butter in them that melt into your skin and make it so soft, and they are incredibly relaxing. Probably avoid the ones with glitter in them for now. Glitter in your butt crack is no fun. ;)

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  22. Charli Avatar
    Charli

    I love potty talk.

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  23. Sarah C Avatar
    Sarah C

    Toilet Talk = Better than working…

    Via the amazing internet:

    “To help prevent hemorrhoids or hemorrhoidal flare-ups:…
    -Avoid long periods of standing or sitting. Sitting too long, particularly sitting on the toilet for long periods, can increase the pressure on the veins in the anus.”

    (http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/DS/00096.html)

    I too get cramp relief from sitting on the crapper! AMAZING.

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  24. ginar Avatar
    ginar

    hey mihow, we have an unused(at least, not in a while), disconnected porcelain easy chair in our attic. i could drive it to Brooklyn for you… maybe add a cushion around the seat donut ring for comfort? something in velvet, perhaps??

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