New Wart City

I haven’t left the house since yesterday afternoon and at that point I drove to Fornino for a calzone. The girl behind the counter greeted me by saying, “How is you don’t know our menu yet? I see you here all the time.” I wasn’t thinking straight when I ordered it, which is why I asked for a stromboli. And to be honest, I’m not even sure what a stromboli is let alone its difference.

I’m sick. I came down with what appears to be some sort of sore throat and my head is stuffed full of snot and goo. It’s as pleasant as I am charming.

I’m wondering how I got here and why I’m wondering about that at all. And I’m wondering how it’s December already and how I’ll be 33 soon. I’m wondering why I’m sick today and why I can’t do anything about it. I’m wondering why I’m doing so much wondering at all.

I can see lower Manhattan out my living room window. It looks like the top of the inside of a cave, or like the root of a wart if you were to bore it out from its head, flip it upside down, and inspect it under a microscope.

Someone once told me that warts don’t actually have roots, that they don’t go very deep at all. But I still imagine them being deeper than they are tall, like an iceberg.

Someone else once told me that Manhattan is as deep as it is tall and if both those things are true, the things that other people told me, my wart analogy sucks.

Millions of people are killing time right now, watching the minutes tic by as they check CNN, the New York Times, or their least favorite blog preparing themselves for their more irritating commutes home. Soon it will be really cold. Soon we’ll see our inevitable first snowfall in a city that knows no snow days.

I miss snow days.

Today, I’m sick. And it’s getting dark and I haven’t left the house since yesterday.


  1. It snowed here today and if you do leave the appartment, take your keys with you.


  2. if you don’t start feeling better tomorrow, have your doctor phone in an antibioitic prescription

    there are ‘2 things’ ‘going around’ that match what you described. the viral one has been clearing up in 24 hours. the bacterial one isn’t.


  3. I had a wart this year. It got to be HUGE and it was right on the first knuckle of my f-u finger. After the novely of saying “hey wanna see my wart,” and then flipping some lucky person a really nasty bird wore off I decided to get rid of it. First with a medicated band aid product and then with the freeze off your wart at home kit. All told it took from May until October not to mention I had to use the ‘freeze your own wart off’ kit completley against the manufacturers instructions. He’s gone now and I don’t miss him. Nobody does.

    I’m sick too, sounds like the same thing you have, and charming as hell, AND I had to put on clothes and come work in an office.


  4. Donald, now that we’re talking warts, I’ll share my gross story as well.

    I got a wart when I as about 11. It was smack dab in the middle of my heel of my right foot. It made me so self-conscious. I never let anyone near my feet. I had the thing cut out not once, but three times and it came back every time. I hated it. I even tried to cut it out myself several times. That didn’t work. I tried all of the following: duct tape, the band aids you speak of, compound W, cutting it out, and scraping it off with a nail file. Nothing worked. I had this thing forever. And it bugged me so much. (Remember when Kyra used to come around during the end of class and push down our feet? I would always ask her not to because it disgusted me so much and I didn’t want her to have to go near it. hehe)

    Anyway, now the point. About 4 months ago, I bought the same home freezing kit you speak of. And I, too, ignored every freaking warning label on it. I used that thing more than I should have and held the sucker on there for a lot longer than I needed to. I really wanted this thing gone.

    Low and behold, finally, one day I was rubbing my feet and I noticed it was gone. GONE just like that. No more wart!

    I immediately schedule a pedicure and now Tobyjoe is making up for all the times I refused foot massages. hehe


  5. I think that’s the key to the home freeze kit, hold it on there about twice as long, Plus I used the sponge applicators more than once. I’m cheap like. [that please don’t turn me in to Proctor and Gamble]

    hope you feel better soon sweetie.

    hehe—you got an ad for genital warts on your page now.


  6. on letterman the other night, they claimed that you can ‘suffocate’ a wart by covering it in duct tape


  7. woo! genital warts!

    Please note: DO NOT use the home freezing kit on your genitals.


  8. Jonathan, I tried that. (see above comment) It didn’t work at all on my heel. Not at all. Just looked really weird wearing duct tape around.


  9. I had/have the sore throat-that-turns- into-horrible-cold-and-cough. Take lots of Sudafed, Nyquil and Dayquil and be patient. It’s no fun, but after three weeks, I have gotten rid of my room-shaking cough.


  10. Where should I send the soup? ;)

    Feel better, sweetie.


  11. my doctor once prescribed genital wart medicine for the warts on the heel of my foot. i didn’t realize it at first, not until after i had the prescription filled. might not have gotten it filled if i HAD realized prior. i was so embarrassed PLUS it didn’t even work! but the stuff was manufactured by 3M which i found funny, having tried the duct tape method many times previously.


  12. hope you feel better soon mihow! lots of liquids and movies, that’s my advice.


  13. Ok, I have to share my gross wart story. when I was about 16 I had 3 or 4 warts grow on the inside of my fingers, basically between my fingers.

    So my brainiac doctor decided that the best way to treat them was to cut off the tops of them with a blade and then freeze them with the liquid nitro. I had this done six times. (it still hurts to think about it)

    A couple of years later my boyfriend’s mother told me that they used to actually sell their warts to get rid of them (she was from finland), and she offered to pay me 10c each for them. I thought she was crazy so I agreed, but I was amazed when they were gone within a month.

    I still think she is crazy. :)


  14. haha! Kel, that’s a great story.

    Gina, you tried the duct tape as well? Crazy. If you still have them, go get the freezing stuff. Works very well. Just ignore their directions. :]


  15. My seven year old has a wart on her face, two on her chest, and now some popping up under her chin. Any suggestions?

    Plus she has a loose front tooth that keeps snaggling about. Picture Nanny McPhee.

    Really she is gorgeous though!


  16. Duct tape only works if you keep in on the wart for months. I had some warts around the fingernails of my left index finger and thumb. It took ages, but I dutifully used the freezing stuff and supplemented with pumice stone and old fashioned liquid.

    I had some on my feet. The only thing that got rid of them was a laser treatment.


  17. i have tried over-the-counter freeze but silly me followed directions. tonight, the gloves are off! screw recommended usage.
    but what’s the longest i should go ? don’t want to totally over do it.


  18. Off topic…but don’y y’all have some sort of leg-lamp fetish….just like this:


  19. Funny. We were just in cleveland for a wedding and they had one of those exact same kind at the hotel we stayed at. It’s a much better model than the one we purchased years ago. It’s better made.

    thanks, nervous. I hadn’t seen that!


  20. “It’s no fun, but after three weeks, I have gotten rid of my room-shaking cough.”

    That sounds really really bad.

    If you have a cough for more than a week, you need to call a doctor.


  21. Funny, nico just sent me the same link to that article. :] If I didn’t feel so poorly lately, I’d drive back to Cleveland and check it out.

    I imagine after three weeks, there’d be blood. :[ Poor gal.


  22. i’m prone to upper respiratory infections. i get bronchitis like 5 times a year, and its usually not the viral kind (which clears up in under a week). i’ve learned to self-diagnose a bit—i keep a stock of antibiotics around. if i’m still coughing on day 5 and its not getting any better or getting worse, i take them. i’m usually better by the end of week 2. if i don’t have any antibiotics left , i’m coughing for 3-4 weeks until i get a new prescription from the doctor.

    in any event- if you’re not feeling better soon michele PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE see a doctor. you don’t want to get lungs like mine :/


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