Total Recall

If you’ve been reading this here Web site for a few years, you’re probably very aware of how I feel about the Segway. You’re probably so aware of how I feel about the Segway, you’re probably sick of hearing me say it. Seriously, I have had several not so pleasant run-ins with Segway owners (see the link above). I also ran into a guy riding one through downtown Washington, DC.

Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. “But the Segways are really great for the environment! If everyone drove one of them to work, we’d all be a lot better off!” Sure, they’re great for Mother Earth but they’re still ugly. It’s like adorning Mother Earth in the type of bling you purchase from one of those shops with gold in the front and porn in the back. Also, haven’t you ever heard of aesthetic pollution? Plus, everyone knows that when a collective whole does something all at once, things fall apart. Remember that bumper sticker that posed one of the greatest unanswered questions of the 1990s? What if everyone farted at once?

If everyone drove a Segway to work, we’d never get anywhere. I’ve seen the collective whole try and walk around using umbrellas.

Anyway, I’ve veered way off track (not entirely unlike the new problem hitting the Segway). Let me try and segue this post back to my original point. The douchebag population of the world (Not the douchebags who block the subway doors, or the ones who buy a 5,000 dollar car and add 10,000 dollars worth of rims, the other douchebags.) has to bring their douchebag machines back to the douchebag dealership because they’re being recalled. Owners must bring them in and install free software because several of them have malfunctioned and a few of their drivers fell down and broke their face.

Now, wouldn’t you agree that it’s a good thing everyone isn’t driving the Segway to work?


  1. If everyone farted at once, the world would be a lot happier.


  2. I love the fact that the term “douchebag” is in resurgence.


  3. What a strange concept, the douche.


  4. they’re not better for the environment

    i’ve yet to see someone plug a segway into a solar panel, or an electric outlet that only gets wind/hydroelectric power pumped to it

    and they sure as hell aren’t made from components that don’t have tons of by products.

    bicycles are better for the environment. i’m going to ride a bike, and be less of a douche that that douche


  5. Keith, I never stopped using the term ‘douchebag’. Some things never go out of style.

    AS for the segway and Michele’s thesis?


  6. So Everyone Gets Wider Asses Yo.

    didn’t even have to click thru to the previous post because that was so brilliant I still remember it


  7. thank god for the Segway, now it makes it so much easier to pick out the dipshit douchebags from the croud….even at 100 yards!

    personally, i have nothing against the Segway on a conceptual and technological level as a “thing.” i just don’t know why people think it’s cool to be seen in public on one…..unless they actually believe that it is somehow environmentally responsible. marketing is a crazy drug.


  8. Segways are for the lazy and goal-oriented heavy person, assuming that their goal is to get fatter. Is there a weight limit on those things?


  9. I laugh every time I see one of these ridiculous-looking contraptions. Silly silly over-sized scooter riders.


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