Zen In the Art of Stupid.

Directly following a good workout, I become temporarily stupid. I’m not sure why this is, but my head gets all fuzzy, my heart races, and I just do a bunch of stupid. I’m unable to think. I’m barely able to move. It’s as if my body has gone through so much, it shuts my mind off entirely. Maybe it’s workout shock.

Last night, I was at the gym. I ran for 32 minutes and the headed down to accept my reward shower in the ladies locker room. I love showering there. I think my fondness for it dates back to my YMCA camp days. I genuinely enjoy it. I like my bag of toiletries; the smell of their shampoo, the way the water feels when it washes away my sweat. I love it and I realize how weird that is but I don’t care. There are many days I will not shower in the morning and instead save it for the gym. That way, I’m almost forced to go. I either have to visit the gym or remain stinky and stinky sucks.

Last night, my heart rate reached 180. And I reached level stupid. I was beet red by the time headed back to the showers. I was dizzy. My head was in a blissful fog. Ignorance really is bliss.

I took my clothes off as soon as I got to my locker. I stuffed everything into the locker and placed my running shoes below the bench. I grabbed two towels. The NYSC towels are forces never to be reckoned with. I’m not even sure one could get away with calling them towels, actually. They’re more like large washrags. I’m pretty sure to have one NYSC towel wrap around any body you’d have to weigh in at around 75 pounds and have the physique of a prepubescent boy. My tits do not like hiding behind a NYSC towel. They flat out refuse to be covered. But I did what I could. Then, I decided to use the toilet.

Now, at no point during the decision process did this seem weird. I took the towel off, hung it on the metal hook and prepared to pee. Nothing seemed odd about this not up until the moment I sat down, naked, and began to pee. It was at that moment I began to have this silent conversation with myself.

Have you ever done this before? Have you ever peed while naked?

I think I’ve done it at home. Surely, I have done this at home.

Did it feel weird then?

I don’t recall it ever feeling weird, no.

Why do you feel weird now? Your bare feet are touching the floor. Is that it?

Yeah, that’s a little gross. I have to admit.

Why did you decide to go to the bathroom naked and barefoot in a locker room full of people? You’re disgusting. You should have bought flip-flops.

Conscious of the fact that my naked feet were showing beneath the stall, I lifted them up to avoid judgment. I’m naked, on the toilet with my feet in the air. There should be a yoga move named after this because my abs were killing me. Then, I really couldn’t pee. This was backfiring horribly.

I heard someone at the door. Since my feet weren’t available as stall markers, no one knew I was in there.

I’m in here.

Awkward.

Oh! Sorry. I didn’t see you.

More awkward.

I put my feet back down again. Once I finally finished peeing, I got up and wrestled, yet again, with the towel. I waited until the coast was clear and, even though you’re not supposed to run through the ladies locker room, I took off towards the shower section. I took off to the area where one is supposed to be stark naked.

21 Comments

  1. This morning I was naked when I prepared my kids’ lunches at 6am. I had just showered and was on my way to the laundry room in the basement to get clothes when I passed through the kitchen and decided to pack their lunches. Kerry came home from walking the dog and didn’t even bat an eye.

    I’ve never driven a car completely naked, but I’ve been naked using the locker room toilets.

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  2. i have driven a car completely starkers.

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  3. I did pose in a Spencer Tunick installation with about 1500 other naked people in Buffalo. But I was dressed driving to and from the event.

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  4. So, you’re saying peeing in a public toilet while naked isn’t weird? Even barefoot?

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  5. Here’s the picture of me and fellow buffalonians naked:

    I think peeing naked in a public toilet isn’t as weird as peeing fully dressed ;)

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  6. Have you ever peed in the gym shower? Be honest, people.

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  7. never peed in the gym shower – never showered at the gym – I have peed naked at home though – often – just about every day! I think the bare feet probably made it weird for you and the fact that someone maybe COULD have seen through the little bitty slats that separate stalls and saw you butt-ass nekkid. All I know is, I’m still giggling and my tummy hurts a little from that!

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  8. always. always pee in the gym shower.
    kills the germs.
    peeing naked is definitely stranger than driving naked.
    there, i said it.

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  9. heather, you had me at naked.

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  10. I have peed in the public shower. Many times.

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  11. yowza!
    does this mean i get a shirt?

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  12. The problem with peeing in the shower is your urine hits the hot water, vaporizes into pee steam, and then rises up to get all over you. Besides that, it’s just wrong. Sorry to be all ‘judgy,’ but it just is.

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  13. vaporizes into pee steam

    ahhahhahahha
    hhahaha

    haha

    ha

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  14. The shower at my YMCA is one of those giant room showers with a bunch of shower heads from the wall, so I don’t pee there because it’s not really private. I know I’d be totally shocked if the old geezer across from me was taking a leak onto the floor.

    The company where I work has a great gym and locker room for its employees (for $10/month). We don’t get towel service (so I bring my own), but the shower stalls are not only very private, but there’s a modesty curtain between the curtained shower stall and the more public areas of the locker room. This way I could quite conceivably stand OUTSIDE the shower and pee into it and nobody would know.

    Of course I haven’t done that. Really.

    Now I really want to drive naked.

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  15. Donald, this one is for you.

    click me I’m a link!

    Pee Steam, the movie.

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  16. holy crap ! ! !
    I’ll have to sleep w/ the lights on for a week now.

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  17. That poster sucks. :/ Sorry, Donald. You deserve better, but I had little time.

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  18. suck? it does not. I just got back from the gym when I looked at it and I’m now convinced I’m covered with strangers’ residual pee steam. I’m going home to shower again where I know I’ll be safe and clean and not all pee-ey.

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  19. what gym do you frequent?

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  20. Pee-sults, on Q St.

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  21. Donald, I worry you might not like plumbing. (Is that a word? Can one plumb? Does a plumber plumb? Try saying that word repetedly. Holy weirdness.)

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