Dealing With Assholes

Today, I have an appointment with my gastroenterologist. I didn’t really think much of it at first. I figured I’d go in, tell him a few things about my eating habits, my heartburn, and the side affects I have had from drugs like Prevacid and Nexium. But then Toby Joe told me that the doctor might like to stick a finger or two up my ass.

Woah. Woah. Wait. I didn’t sign up for that.

Well, he’s a gastroenterologist. That’s what he does. He’ll feel around and find out if things are OK.

But I thought that happened during the butt searching camera event. And I thought you were asleep. Why does he need to stick a finger up there today?

It’s not like it’s painful. He lubes. He’ll tell you to lie on your side and breath…

Stop. I don’t want the doctor to stick his finger up my ass. I didn’t agree to that when I made the appointment.

Well, I’m not sure what you thought you signed up for, but that’s what happens.

Apparently, at 1:45 PM, I set some time aside for someone (other than my husband) to stick a finger or two up my ass.

Back up… (ha!) I deal with a lot of crap (ha! ha!) at work. Some people think dealing with 350 meg files in Photoshop is quick and easy and can be pushed out (ha!) in less than 10 minutes. Some folks think that laying out a 32 page book in Quark can be done in a day’s time. Others think coming up with 10 to 13 logo designs will run them about 300 dollars. I deal with it. I’m loose (ha!) I roll with the punches. But I can’t imagine, even with all the medical school preparation money can buy, spending my day inserting my latex-covered index finger into a countless number of human rectums.

I haven’t even been there yet and already he’s my hero.

::bends over for the career master::

(ha!)

Edited to add: In honor of today’s post and all the butt talk, here is a free song. Bonnie Prince Billy, Rich Wife Full of Happiness. (My goodness, he’s wonderful, dirty and amazing.) A great song. Download it today!

26 Comments

  1. I doubt you’re going to get probed (unless, of course, you ask). Toby is thinking of Colorectal surgeons (and is probably just having a little fun at your expense). They’re the ones you have to watch out for. A gastrointerologist can’t tell much with a rectal exam except to check your appendix. In order to check your stomach for heartburn he’d have to get his entire arm in from that direction! More likely he would have you drink some nasty shit and then x-ray you.

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  2. Wait, they make you drink shit?

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  3. Barium, i think. Same thing, practically.
    “barium!? i didn’t even know he was dead!”

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  4. I’m not looking forward to this event. Missy suggested the other day that I document the using of my 300 dollar gift certificate for hair highlights. But I think the documentation of my visit to the gastrointologist is more likely. It’s right up my alley. (ha!)
    I’m seven.

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  5. make him buy you a drink first, just to prove you’re not THAT easy.

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  6. “For all my friiiiiieeeeends”< /barfly>

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  7. Well, at least he’ll wear protection.

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  8. “a gastrointerologist can’t tell much with a rectal exam except to check your appendix.”

    In my experience, a general “fecal smear” is part of the check-up. He checks for blood, bilirubin, etc. It’s quick and painless. It’s only happened a couple of times that I’ve been there, though—and I used to go every couple of weeks.

    Btw, michele, it’s “gastroenterologist”.

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  9. Dammit! I spell it wrong EVERY time.

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  10. did you remember to wear some panties today, or are you Going Mihow, giving him quick and easy access to the back door?

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  11. I’m just sayin’…I wish my GI WOULD have stuck his finger or anything else up my butt, rather than the scope down my throat…if he tells you he wants to do an endoscopy, beg him for the ass!

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  12. I have to get scoped both ways, finger-cuff style, every 3 years. I’m one month from my deadline.

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  13. finger-cuff style?! oh man…that’s funny.

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  14. Can’t they just run one camera through you like dental floss?

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  15. I am back. I am happy to say I was not anally probed. However, I have to have an endoscopy done. Bummer. I did, however, get a chuckle over the box titled “Probe Sleeves”.

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  16. I’m glad you escaped the probe. :D

    Finger-cuff style. passes out with glee

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  17. aaaaaackkkk – I’m already grasping for my last breath just THINKING about your endoscopy…did you read my post about mine? I’d rather go through Labor & Delivery 83 times than EVER go through another endoscopy again – that was the worst thing ever! Are you sure they can’t go up your butt?

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  18. Nessa, you’re hilarious. Really. Well, I dunno. Were you awake for yours? Apparently, I’ll be on drugs. Were you on drugs? I won’t make the appt if you were on drugs AND it was worse than labor. Screw that. I’d rather they drill a hole straight in—stoma style. Or whatever that shit is called.

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  19. oh sure – they give you drugs AFTER they suck the life out of you – you’ll see what I mean…it’s really not that bad for the actual probing – it’s the prep work that sucks ass…I’m a good patient and I was actually FLAILING – she had to hold me down!

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  20. For my scoping, they gave me a nice demerol/valium mix and i was twilighted for the entire procedure. all i knew was that i had a mild sore throat for a day or so afterwards. they did NOTHING while i was awake.

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  21. Toby Joe has the nicest GI I’ve ever met! They sprayed my throat with this stuff to numb it and that’s what’s soooooo bad and then they IV you up with something that was gooooooooood. I didn’t have the sore throat, but perhaps it’s because of that spray. Either way, Michele, I hope you have a sweet GI!!!!!

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  22. I got the probe at my last physical. No warning, after the whole turn-your-head-and-cough nut exam thing the doc just very casually murmured , “OK, now roll over on your side.” I was already far away from the exam room, in a happy place where men in coats weren’t touching my genitals, so I mindlessly complied and a second or two later made a sound like “HOULP!” as I was penetrated by slimy latex fingers. It’s not so much fun, but it is quick. Best o luck.

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  23. i definitely love you. and billy.

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