What’s Wrong With a 32 Year Old Egg?

I never wanted kids. It’s true. Kids kind of freak me out. They always have. That amplified the moment I saw the son of a friend of mine with his hand down the back of his pants who for the life of him could not stop smelling it. Kids are a little strange. They do things that don’t make sense, as well as things that make so much sense things become strange. You’re simply not supposed to smell your own ass, are you?

All of that changed when I met Toby. Now, I want nothing more than to give birth to something that will one day smell its own ass. Even if it means destroying my most amazing female figure^, giving up caffeine, wine, fatty foods, and life. I want one. I do.

That’s not to say right now but someday.

As I mentioned yesterday, I am concerned about what I have put my body through over the years. While I am not a recovering heroin addict, nor have I ever done anything particularly damaging, I have gone though and inhaled more cans of spray mount than I care to admit. I have drunk booze regularly since I was 23. I didn’t always eat well. And I’m 31.

The most bizarre things sets me off, too. The other day, while waiting for the movie to begin, I was reading those horrible slide advertisements they project before the movie. One of them was for NYU Medical School. They are willing to pay 8,000 dollars (pennies if you ask me) to any woman, age 21 – 32, in return for her eggs. 32. Why will I lose this option in a year? What’s wrong a 32 year old egg?

I made an appointment with a gynecologist/baby doctor to find out if I should start considering adoption or if I have a chance on one day maybe having a healthy baby who might one day smell its own ass.

23 Comments

  1. not only will it smell its own ass, if given the chance it will smell yours, the cat’s, and toby joe’s. and sometimes you won’t be able to avoid smelling its ass, too. Hopefully you’re still planning on going to gettysburg in october. My kids won’t be doing any ass sniffing (presumably), but they may make you guys change your minds about procreating.

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  2. You’re hilarious. We are still planning that. I can’t wait to meet your monkeys.

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  3. “While I am not a recovering heroine addict”

    Is that when you’re, like, metabolically dependent on Wonder Woman?

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  4. God dammit! I always do that!!! Must be from using all that heroin.

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  5. Google knew what you meant.

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  6. I think you’re good to go for another 10 years and you shouldn’t worry.

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  7. you’re good to go – I’m sure the medical community has some reason why women in their 30’s shouldn’t be bearing children, but I know that my husband & I don’t even want to start on the 3rd one until I’m 34 – you shouldn’t have any problems!!

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  8. The whole bearing child age thing issue, last I heard, was for women in their 40s.

    I know of many who didn’t start until their late-30s.

    I seriously wouldn’t worry about anything – barring an actual medical condition or accident within the next 8 years, I think you should be fine.

    As for the age for the study, lets face it – women are most fertile from about 12 – 35. But you can’t ask teenagers for their eggs. Fertility begins to decline as you age, but it BEGINS to decline , it hasn’t declined substantially.

    That means, if you’re 40, you might have to have sex a few times to get it done right – not a big deal. The odds are in your favor.

    But if you’re doing lab stuff, its like $20k a pop for something that has low odds of working out even if you had supersperm and the sluttiest, easiest, egg you could find. They just want to mimimize all of the variables at play.

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  9. I have a cousin who didn’t have her first child until she was 37. Two years later she had another one. Statistics show that women are having babies later. I’m sure you’re good to go for a good while.

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  10. I have to say, those of us who have waited a little longer do have to accept that it might not come easy. I think baby making is still such a magic/weird thing. It is very tempting to assume that when we get our shit together, some baby will just be waiting to be born. Then again, I know a woman who had her first kid at forty and it took her three days to get knocked up. Then again, again, we shoulda done it when we were 16. That thing would have popped right out and 2 days later we would have had our slammin bods back!!

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  11. “I know a woman who had her first kid at forty and it took her three days to get knocked up.”
    That sounds like the perfect world – if only that would happen from day 1. Accidental pregnancies would never happen, and you’d be having your kids with someone that both people actually like the idea of being intimate with for three days straight.

    What more could you want?

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  12. I wish it were possible to put them on hold—the Baby Lay Away option.
    While I don’t want to be 60 and have a child just heading off to college. I also don’t want to have any babies in haste JUST because I feel that my time is ticking. Damn nature and her rules.

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  13. Let’s take charlie up on that offer to meet his familia, hehe.

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  14. dude! there IS a baby layaway plan – you can freeze your eggs AND tobyjoe’s sperm and just go on carefree until your 45 and THEN have a baby :)

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  15. Mihow, you have nothing to worry about. What you did in the past was in the past and will not affect future babies. The only thing you need to be careful of is how you take care of yourself in the time before you get preggo and the during the time you are preggo. You also need to watch what you do during the time you nurse the baby, if you do decide to do this. By watching what you do I mean, try get into the best shape you can be in prior to the pregnancy. Being underweight or overweight can affect chances of conception. Plus, your weight levels can determine the baby’s weight and your own after the birth. You also need to watch what you eat and drink plus start taking prenatal vitamins at least three months prior the time you plan to get preggo….
    Sorry I didn’t mean to load you down with all of that info but this is what happens when you go to school for a Masters in Maternal and Child health!!!! :o)

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  16. Meshbetty , I disagree.
    Mihow needs to get really drunk, then go to a bar, and then drink, and drink, and drink some more. In fact, Michele should, ideally, drink until she blacks out.

    People ALWAYS get pregnant when they do that.

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  17. Is there a pill to make them not poop themselves like a bunch of little BABIES?

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  18. Johnathan…
    Yeah, I kinda wish that were true…people don’t always get preggo that way…I have been trying for what is going to be TWO YEARS come this November and I am not preggo yet….that does not mean that I have gotten drunk each time mind you…. :o)

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  19. Meshbetty, appreciate the advice and reassurance. It helps to hear.

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  20. No worries girl! Anytime! :o)

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  21. They eventually stop shitting themselves, but they make a mess of your house. Frankly, I’d rather clean a poopy diaper than discover a moldy, half-eaten cupcake crammed under the sofa cushion.

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  22. I had to mention another funny remark from Kerry. I got a phone call sunday night(!!) from work: I had apparently failed to submit a proper form (the UC4 Job Plan Worksheet) in addition to the standard 4-Day Notice Planned Enterprise Change Request form to the (very imposingly named) Production Control Group. I said my mea culpas (note: I still haven’t submitted the form, gotta do that after writing this comment), promised I’d have the form in Monday morning, yada yada yada. I went back to the living room (where Kerry and I have been painting) and said “I have to take Henry into work with me tomorrow.” Kerry asked why, and I explained that I had failed to complete all the required paperwork for something at work and that I had to surrender my firstborn, to which Kerry deadpanned (as she meticulously edged yellow paint near the ceiling) “Well, it’s a good thing Henry was our first.”

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