March Madness

Today, I was in the elevator waiting for my stop. I was with a man who was probably about 45 and a woman, age 35. She stood behind me holding a bag in front of her. She was a slender woman, attractive, too.

It’s not every day someone speaks in an elevator. I have heard louder libraries and places of worship. But the man spoke, driving a shard into the usual silence.

It’s a really bad time to be pregnant.

The other day Toby told me that he very nearly asked a woman during a really important off-site client meeting when she was due. Right before the words broke free, screaming into the air, he got a glimpse of the fact that she might not actually be pregnant.

“Dude, best not be talking to me.” I thought to myself. I turned to look at him. He wasn’t pregnant. I looked down to check to see if I was sticking my belly out or standing funny. I wasn’t. I looked behind me. She didn’t look pregnant, either.

Yes. Yes, it is.

I looked at her again. She was in great shape, which is why I didn’t notice at first glance. Her ankles were thin, her legs slender, her arms were covered in teh usual amount of insulation. But, low and behold, there was indeed a HUGE bulge there that had been out of my view because of what she held in front of her. I let out a sigh of relief for the man.

It’s really hot. It’s been tough.

How far along are you?

I’m due in November.

My wife went through a really hot summer pregnancy once. There were moments I thought she was going to kill me or someone.

The woman laughed and then we reached her floor. The guy congratulated her and she was on her way. I smiled, that’s all I knew to do.

Recently, I have thought about all the pregnant women around. I imagine that this year in particular has got to suck. And I have decided that should I ever get knocked up, I would like have it done in March. There is no way I’d want to deal with sweating profusely on a stinky subway while having some fleshy thing kick the shit out of my insides.


  1. March? That’s odd.
    If it comes out in march, then you’re stuck with june/july being the first few months
    If it starts in march, then you hit the mid in june/july
    You should aim for sept-may


  2. Yeah, that would have made more sense, wouldn’t it? I guess since I’m not that bright, I should probably avoid children entirely. I meant I’d like to get knocked up in June or July, have it in March.


  3. Fuck it, I could always just feed them to tigers.


  4. If you were jewish, you could feed them to Donald Rumsfeld


  5. I fucked up that joke… sorry

    I was trying to allude to a David Cross bit from one of his cds where the president is caught eating Jewish babies


  6. you are much better off having it in March…then in the summer. Take it from me. I suffered with the hot DC summer the year Belly was born….The fact that you are preggo tends to raise your body temp. even more than ususal so it will feel hotter that it really is. I remember taking a class at GW when I was preggo with Belly and I was doing a project in the computer lab at the library. While everyone else was bundled up in sweaters and such I was perfectly comfortable in a sleeveless top…Aah, the wonders of pregnancy!


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