On Saturday, Toby and I discovered Channel 1000. Recently, we cancelled our Netlflix subscription due to our not using it to its fullest and their getting into bed with Wal-Mart, a corporation I simply despise. So Channel 1000 was discovered just in the nick of time.
On Saturday, we watched one of the worst movies I have seen in quite some time, I heart Huckabees (I’m sorry but it’s true. I did not heart Huckabees. And I really wanted to heart it, too.) The movie only ran us $3.95 and we didn’t need to leave the house, so in the end I can’t really complain.
When Sunday rolled around and we realized that summer had finally arrived, we decided to call our afternoon jaunt short and opted for grocery shopping and movie watching instead. 110 dollars later, we were back at home sweating profusely in our air-conditionless apartment. I flipped through Channel 1000 while Toby slaved over the hot stove and made us an early dinner. For some reason, I settled on this movie.
About a half hour in, I paused the movie and Toby prepared two plates of food. While in kitchen I decided to hard-boil 4 eggs for the upcoming workweek. We’re dieting, you see, and hard-boiled eggs are a godsend during the mid-morning hunger pangs. Even though they make me gag a lot of the time, I still manage to cram them down my face, Cool Hand Luke style. I filled the pan with water and added four eggs. Then, I returned to the couch to watch people kill other people and finish my dinner.
Forty-five minutes later, I am seduced by an aroma of cupcakes or something wafting up from our neighbor’s apartment. They are often cooking yummy smelling food and now that we’re dieting the smells are impossible to ignore.
Do you smell that? Someone is making cupcakes or cake or something.
Ahhhhh yes, that smells good.
About twenty minutes after the cupcake comment, right as Lawrence started to saw off his right foot, there was a HUGE EXPLOSION in our kitchen. I was sure someone fired a gun into our kitchen window from the BQE especially since I caught sight of something foreign spray all over the walls of our kitchen.
What in the fuck was that?
I don’t know. Did someone just shoot at us?
That’s what it sounded like!
We both crept into the kitchen to see what went on.
OH MY GOD, THE EGGS!
They had exploded EVERYWHERE. The four brown eggs had spread their insides all over the ceiling, the floor, our oven light, the trash can, the cat food bowls, our laundry machine, the window sill, our sink, the vegetable basket. Egg guts were EVERYwhere. Brown shells dotted the floor. Scrambled egg yolks were clinging to the walls as if our bodies themselves had actually moved into a massive egg. Our apartment no longer smelled like cupcakes and yummy stuff. Instead, it smelled like hot eggs—gross, totally mistreated, ignored hot organic eggs.
Please note: The amount of time it takes four organic eggs to explode is just about the length of one feature film.