Asshat Alarm Guy

Work is going very well. I’m not super excited about getting up so early, but it’s growing on me ever so slowly. Last night, however, some asshat’s car alarm went off at least 2 times an hour from the moment I went to bed (9:30) until the moment I woke up (7:00 a.m.). I was not pleased. I don’t think Toby Joe was either. Asshat Alarm Guy (I just know this was an act of a HE, women would never do such a thing) kept turning it off after about 15 honks but at no point did HE shut it down entirely. It kept going and going and going. I considered throwing my concrete shoe right down from our window straight threw his stupid windshield.

But everyone who reads this site (all 10 of you) know about my concrete shoe and how I tried to sell it Internet last July to buy a new retainer. And so I know this act born out of pure hatred and disgust would come back to haunt me. I know they would find out the shoe was mine.

There is a part of the fantasy where I throw the concrete shoe out our bedroom window and I imagine everyone living on our street giving me a puffy-eyed, pajama-sporting, wobbly – yet standing – ovation. And during that part of the fantasy, I almost convince myself it’s worth it.

Man, I hate this guy. How can someone have such a blatant disregard for other people? I almost want to steal his car. Who knows, if I miss out on enough sleep I just might.


  1. I considered slashing the tires and leaving a note saying “Now nobody will be able to steal your crappy car. Please shut the alarm off before this gets out of hand.”


  2. I think I’m still in a bit of shock over it.


  3. I don’t miss those days at all. We had one guy that used to let the car alarm go until the police showed up to tow the car.

    The other thing I don’t miss is the 3am bag lady shopping cart noise. The noise got a bit better when they paved our back alley—but not much.


  4. It’s too bad you don’t have any underground connections (wait, maybe you do) so you could get someone ELSE to steal his car. If it takes him 15 honks to get down there, by then the car would be looong gone.

    Throw eggs at him when he goes to shut it off.


  5. You may be too young to have seen this, but when I was young there was this SNL fake commercial showing a guy getting woken up by a car alarm in NYC. He takes out this huge weapon and aims it at the car, shoots, and blows the thing up. I forget what they called the ‘product’, but it was hilarious!
    You need one of those. ;-)


  6. Hey, that’s my car. I’ll have my driver remove it asap.

    Beside the car, how are you?


  7. spare the shoe. my friend ducky says that if you put bologna luncheon meat on a car it will leave a permanent bologna-shaped mark in the paint. I think you should spell out ‘I am a asshat’ with bologna.


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