Fucknees

I’ve been jogging lately. I’m trying to get back into shape. When I say “back into shape” I basically mean I don’t want to be shaped like this:

Because look how big my hands are. Those are huge hands. And eggs are tasty to eat but I don’t ever want to look like one.

I tried the dieting thing. And while that was educational and I learned how to make some pretty bizarre shit using mushrooms, ricotta cheese, fake sugar products, fake butter products (which may or may not cause cancer), and anything egg-like, I was tired and cranky all the time. Plus, I could barely walk up the hills here due to the lack of carbs and therefore, energy. Have you seen the hills in San Francisco? Holy crap.

With a my waistband expanding to never seen before circumferences, I had to put an end it. But dieting made me angry. Putting oneself through deprivation JUST to get out of a little exercise is silly, in my opinion. Besides, last I heard, exercise was supposed to be good for you. Who woulda thunk?

So I started running. I’ve been running for three weeks now. I joined our local gym right when I got back from D.C. You might remember the gym I’m referring to. It’s the gym I joined back in May. The same gym where my first iPod took its last breath. (May she rest in peace.) The gym is about 200 feet from our apartment and it’s never crowded.

This time, I’ve been doing well. In just three short weeks, I have gone from panting like a fat dog and running a 45-HOUR mile, down to a 16-minute mile. Now, I am at a 13.5-minute mile. I run between 2.5 miles and 3.5 miles a day and I ride the bike for 7 (if time permits). While I realize this isn’t over-the-top or anything, I get my daily exercise and I feel pretty good about myself. (I feel even better after drinking all that wine and consuming all the left over candy we have from Halloween, too.) And I sweat like champ. Holy shit, do I sweat. My cheeks turn blood red. I look entirely unattractive. It’s amazing how ugly one looks on the road to trying to look good.

And wouldn’t you know, everything was going great up until George Bush won the election. I blame him entirely for my demise. On Wednesday, November 3rd, after my run, my knees began to throb. A few days later, they began to ache. Now, there are sharp pin-prick pains shooting up my shins all the way to the bottom of my knee caps. They feel like little jolts of electricity.

Most people probably wouldn’t continue to run. Because most people are smart. But not me, no way. I run to SPITE my knee. As a matter of fact, it’s sort of like I’m beating it each time I go to the gym. It’s like:

Take that, Bitch! And that, shithead! Yeah, suffer bitch!

And they take it. I run them into submission.

I realize this isn’t smart, but what the hell does a girl gotta do? Dieting didn’t work because I was a cranky bitch all the time. Yoga is great and all, but it’s not really cardio. So here I am, age 30, I finally get up off my lazy ass and start to actually work out every day and my body starts to fail me. The hell? I know that people walk because of knee problems, but I honestly ENJOY jogging.

I’m sitting here, writing this and I have an ice pack on each knee and Toby (who is home today) is calling me “Crip”. I have eaten two Advil and I just continue whining.

I hate this.

29 Comments

  1. “Due to lack of crabs” made me laugh out loud just now. hehe.

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  2. You know, I do that ALL the time. Holy crap! What’s up? I did that the last time I wrote about carbs as well. What’s wrong with me? I must edit. That can not stay like that. heh

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  3. I did the same thing when i first started jogging.. no more running until it clears up, ok?

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  4. Really? did you actually visit a doctor? I don’t have insurance yet. What happens if I beat them up more?

    Toby just got back from the drug store. He picked me up a brace. awwwwww what a sweetie. :]

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  5. I am in agreement with you about the running-pain conundrum. I love running (once I really get back into it after the horrid first weeks of feeling like I’m so out of shape I shouldn’t be going that fast) but it gives me shin splints. And those elliptical trainers that are supposed to be good for your body look too weird. Biking is good. Swimming is also good.

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  6. Biking is good. I wish I could get to a pool more often. I have ear issues (have to wear plugs, etc) so I love it, and I’m pretty good at it, it’s just such a pain in the ass not being able to swim like a normal person and at the same time not being able to hear and all. But you know what? Swimming is fabulous, now that you mention it. Damn.

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  7. It sounds to me like you have a combination of shin splints and runners knee. Both of which I have. For the runners knee you need to strengthen your quad muscles to stablize the knee cap. For the shin splints you need to ice before and after. The best way to get rid of of them is to stop running….or get your shoes checked. Try explaining your sitation to the girls at See Jane Run. It could be your shoes…..

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  8. what are you doing? diets are teh gay!

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  9. running sucks. come back to dc, I’ll show you how to use the erg…low impact, full body cardio. mmmm.

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  10. Running is good for improving all-over conditioning, but only when your body is ready for it. Personally, I hate it. The only time I feel inspired to run is if I’m holding a ball or chasing an opponent with one (and then I get to hit the fucker for making me run! what fun!). However, I don’t think you’re about to join a rugby club any time soon.

    During the off-season, I love using elliptical-trainers in the gym—especially the ones that can tell you your heart rate. It gives me so many things to think about when I’m working out: I can count the calories I’m burning (always fun), after a few workouts I can see how my heart rate is decreasing for the same effort (which indicates better cardio health), and the machine minimizes the wear and tear on my knees and ankles (which can be considerable for for a big guy like me).

    I want to echo Meshbetty’s advice to do some strength training on your quads (leg extensions). Working out the bigger muscle groups (legs, back, chest) don’t have to make you bulky, but they will tone you, give you better posture, and help you burn more calories when you do aerobic workouts.

    I’ve lost about 30 lbs since May, and over the course of the summer and autumn rugby seasons I was able to improve my fitness to the point that by September I was playing full 80-minute matches without needing a substitute (at the beginning, I was lucky to make it through a 40 minute half).

    The important thing is to just do something … even if it’s just ten minutes two times a day.

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  11. Well it’s a good thing I’m not dieting, I wouldn’t want to be teh gay. :]

    Calvo, I will check out this space machine you speak of.

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  12. That’s right…I keep forgetting that GotJesus? is one of them-thar badass ruggers. I’ve never played the sport (doesn’t seem like my type of thing) though, oddly, I’ve had my picture in rugby magazine.

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  13. GotJesus, when you say elliptical-trainers, do you mean those walker things? Pre-cores or whatever they are called? I like them, too. Maybe I’ll try that today instead and give my body a break.

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  14. The last time I was running every day (not my first time) this did not happen. I am either getting old and therefore flabby, or maybe my shoes aren’t correct. Even tho I paid a small fortune for them.

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  15. To add to GotJesus’s dead on comments, when you’re ready to do cardio work, interval training is the key. That is alternating your level of energy/exhertion. Doing interval training as opposed to jogging at an even keel for x number of minutes, is a stronger workout for burning fat & increasing your endurance. There’s some scientific reasoning behind it, but of the top of my head, I don’t know.

    So if you jump on one of the elliptical trainers, they should have a pre-set “fat burner” workout that is an interva workout. It’s just a series of small hills, with valleys in between (so you go hard for he hills, coast in the valleys).

    Another key is your heart rate, you need to keep it around the 80% target range for you age,size, etc. Anything higher, you border on over exhertion which leads to de-hydration, muscle injury, and all sorts of bad things.

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  16. That’s it, I am going to hire you two to be my personal trainer. k? thanks.

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  17. BTW, calvo; I LOVE the Erg. It’s the best workout one can get and still remain seated! It’s the only cardio workout I have done that actually pumps up my muscles, too (but maybe I’m pulling too hard). My only complaint about it is that I’m unable to find the right tighness adjustment for my footstraps!! Too loose and my feet slip, too tight and they fall asleep (and I hate that feeling). Still, it really is nice to push the pace on it until I feel like my arms and back will fail and then just coast along for a while. And the flywheel/fan makes such a nice breeze.

    I have to mix up all my exercises because I have ADD, and if I can’t get excited about some variety I get bored, blow off working out, and eat. At the same time, some people need the routine of the same machine/regimen, but I require either blinking lights, the threat of imminent bodily injury, or the thrill of victory to keep me interested in exercising.

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  18. As long as we’re ironing out problems/complaints/issues does anyone have the problem where their toes fall asleep? I do on the bike, while speed walking and on the elliptical walker (toby says it happens to him as well, on the walker). GotJesus, you mentioned something about tightness? Does that have to do with this as well?

    Also, (now I get probably too personal, and for that, I am sorry) anyone have suggestions for the nether regions and rashes? Yeah, I know that’s terrible to ask, but I am honestly curious. Does one wax the hell out of it to avoid this? Are there specific pants that help? Am I totally insane and the only person with this problem?

    And here i thought my boobs would be the biggest pain in the ass.

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  19. My feet fall asleep on other machines, too. I think I lace my shoes too tightly. I loosened them a bit and it helped.

    As for rashes, what exactly are you suffering from? Chafing? On the thighs? or, um, er … lessee I believe it may be called the perineum? Or is it jock itch? Or ingrown hairs on the bikini line (irritated skin and bumps and other unpleasantness)? Sadly I’ve had experience with almost all of them (except for the ingrown hairs).

    Here’s a funny story.

    I have only run in one 5k race, and that was about 2 yrs ago (SuperBowl Sunday 2003). A couple of days before the race I ran 3 miles on a treadmill and I think I had an older pair of underwear on, or maybe I was wearing a pair of shorts with a liner (I can’t remember). Anyway, I managed to rub myself RAW (top layer of skin gone) in a VERY sensitive place—my perineum. Perineum!? I didn’t know I had one! God damn that was a miserable experience … I ended up running and wheezing through this 5k race along the Erie Canal during a snowstorm with a bleeding perineum. The wind was howling (so was I), and it was about 8 degrees out. Fortunately we had some Desitin left over from my kids’ diaper rash days. I tell you, nothing can diminish a sense of accomplishment quite like walking around after your first race with your underpants full of baby ointment. It was more uncomfortable than when I had a vasectomy and in a far more sensitive spot than the boil I had on my ass early this year (if you don’t remember, you can read about it here).

    Was that too much information?

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  20. The terrorists want to take your running away

    They don’t like your running. They don’t appreciate it.

    We’re not going to let them do that.

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  21. Aw, the day GotJesus? finally became a woman….
    And now Mihow has jock itch. This is turning into one of the funniest days on mihow.com ever.

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  22. I DO NOT HAVE JOCK ITCH!

    actually, I am not sure what the problem is. Maybe I need to have doctor Toby have a look. Oh, and Missy, you just made lemonade come out of my nose.

    GotJesus, I need to send you some Boudreaux’s Buttpaste. Clearly.

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  23. This is the best sentence ever written.

    “I tell you, nothing can diminish a sense of accomplishment quite like walking around after your first race with your underpants full of baby ointment.”

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  24. Jock Itch is like freedom—the terrorists want to take it away.

    We’re not going to let them do that.

    We will not let the evil doers do evil. We will protect your freedom, and we will protect your Jock Itch.

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  25. Raw and bleeding perineum. Ew. I’ve only ever experience chafage between the thighs – usually from wearing shorts (or skirts when I am THAT out of shape that my thighs rub together). Vaseline helps. Definitely take care with ointments and the nether regions though…. I’m confused about how a girl could have a perineum and jock itch.

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  26. For the love of god, people, I DO NOT HAVE JOCK ITCH!

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  27. Mihow: I knew you’d like that sentence. Something about the word “underpants” always makes for entertaining prose. At least, that’s what I taught college kids when I was an English TA.

    Kate: I believe jock itch is just a fungal infection like athlete’s foot, and it can afflict anywhere in the groin area. You don’t really need testicles to catch it. I think any hot crotch will do. As for the perineum, we all have one (regardless of sex). I believe the vernacular for it is taint.

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  28. aka a “Nifkin”

    I learned about that after reading a god awful book called “Good in Bed”. Man was that book bad. However, “nifkin” also means taint.

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  29. I got jock itch on my bum from too much biking once. Nothing made me feel more many than having my dermatologist’s first reaction when he was kneeling behind me, face in my ass, exclaiming “whoah! that’s nasty.”

    I believe Shaquile O’Neal endorses a particular jock itch cream called “Butt Cream” or “Ass Wax” or something like that. Word is he walks around the locker room with a big old tub of it.

    Oh, I can totally handle your personal trainer needs. Let me know when you want me to whip up a program for you. (Though I’m afraid my jock itch story may scare you off ;)

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