Gross Things We May Have Stepped On

I once had a date with a redheaded boy named Keith (who turned out to be quite boring and rather strange-in that I’m too touchy feely and talk too soft sort of way-but that’s not the point of this story). On our first date, which I thought would consist of sitting on his front porch, sipping wine he bought from a winery, and smoking hand-rolled cigarettes, he (I guess) decided this was not “romantic” enough and suggested we take a late-evening stroll through the park. I really didn’t see the need, and was sort of annoyed by the suggestion, but went along anyway.
A bit later, after returning to his house to use the restroom, I looked down at my sandal-covered feet and noticed about 30 or so slugs of all different shapes and sizes crawling in and out of my toes, sliding along my ankles and calves. Horrified, I tore off my shoes, grabbed my bag, and blurted something like

Slugs! Feet! GOD! Gotta go! Slugs! LOOK at your TOES! GROSS! Bad slug idea. DUH!

We hosed off my feet out front and I headed home. Much later, I realized they were on my skirt and legs as well. It took days to get them off me mentally.

26 Comments

  1. OMG this is funny because mih0w and i didn’t tell each other what are ‘stepped in’ story was.

    mine was just one slug in between my toes, because of wearing sandals and walking through wet grass to my friend’s front door.
    not nearly as horrifying as many many slugs! hahaahah i wouldn’t have survived – they would have had to lock me up!

    When i got insideand i thought it was a leaf, so i grabbed it with two fingers and started freaking out once i realized how wet and slimy it was.

    I had a nightmare that night about slugs – everywhere, falling on me, getting bigger and bigger.

    soooo gross. hate slugs! slimy brown leaf faking creatures!

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  2. what are == what our

    oy, braindead me am

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  3. Holy crap, what would have made it ten times worse was if someone poured salt all over me.

    Surely, that should be considered a form of torture. Surely.

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  4. I once slipped in puke in a Walmart with a boy I was dating at the time. That was terrible, terrible, terrible.

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  5. OH my Sweet Cow, I’m crying. For real.

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  6. Oh man. I’m going to slip in my own vomit, in a second. Slugs!!! Ewwww!

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  7. Damn, Mihow, you sure those weren’t LEECHES?!?

    Megan, that is the funniest story I have EVER heard.

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  8. holy shitcow that’s terrible!! did you both slip? did you burn your shoes?

    you poor poor girl

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  9. Were said shoes open-toed? Did puke hit feet? Puke shall never hit thy feet. Thy feet would have to be cut thy fuck off.

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  10. Okay. I’m going to kill myself now.

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  11. Well, at least Wal Mart doesn’t serve Swedish Meatballs at the Food Counter.

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  12. i rather slip in cat puke, perhaps at petsmart. seems cleaner, possibly only hairball related.

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  13. Our friend Matt once got really drunk down at LBI. He “gave his pants to the ocean,” lost his shoes, cursed out an old woman, and ended it by vomiting on our friend Mary’s bare feet.

    We tried to make her feel better by telling her that she was now part of an American vacation tradition. (She was on holiday from London.)

    I don’t think she believed us.

    Once in Key West I stepped on a gecko. Which is my biggest fear, that I might kill one of those cuties. I didn’t, though. I just sort of scared it. And the crap out of myself.

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  14. As I just told Mihow in IM, the last time I puked for real, it was swedish meatball induced.

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  15. You’re sure it wasn’t hairball related?

    Why is that phrase so funny.

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  16. One more thing. Missy, last time you puked for real? Do you spend your spare time pretending or practicing to puke?

    I’m sorry. I know you what you meant.

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  17. Thanks guys, for making me feel better about that situation. Appreciate it.

    It was the end of summer when that happened. I might of been wearing sandals, but I don’t think i was. The person I was with just said, “If you had fallen, I would’ve lost my shit.” Then we yelled at some poor Walmart employee. It was little kid puke. It stunk, though.

    :: gags ::

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  18. poor missy. can you never have it again? If i throw something up, that’s usually the end of that food item, for ever and ever amen.

    i thought she meant the smell originally. it’s bad enough to smell walmart, but even worse if they have one of those nasty fast food counters that stinks up the place.

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  19. “If i throw something up, that’s usually the end of that food item, for ever and ever amen.

    Too bad it’s not the same with booze, eh?

    Kid puke always smells like Cheerios in my experience.

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  20. Oh, and of course he didn’t slip in it. No, that sort of thing would happen to me. I should’ve known that relationship was doomed right then and there.

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  21. Freakgirl: hah. actually I meant in a non-drinking related puking incident.

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  22. And I haven’t had any meatballs in recent history because the thought sickens me.

    Similarly, in the days before my senior prom, I came down with the flu. The night of the dance (and not wanting to back out on my date) I decided to go through with it. I also made the mistake of eating a Snickers candy bar. (Why?) That did it, and all of a sudden my flu became flu with vomiting and I was puking all night. We had to pull over a couple of times to & from dinner (where I had only saltines & 7-up) and I think I even got a little on my dress. Ewww.

    I shall never eat another Snickers.

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  23. A world without Snickers is a world not worth living in.

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  24. Aw…that is so sad. And a little funny now that it’s said and done. Right?

    I guess this is a bad time to bring up how cool it is that IKEA sells swedish meatballs right there at the counter.

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  25. Megan, he couldn’t have been right for you. If he didn’t point out the vomit for you to step around, he’s no Lloyd Dobler.

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  26. I don’t know exactly how yet, but Girl27, those are the beginning of some really fucking good lyrics. ;)

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