Don’t tell that story! People will think, ‘First bugs, then crumbling walls, now this… they live in a shit hole!’
And I assure you, we don’t. And I also know Toby and how he really doesn’t care what I say or share on here, so here goes. (hehe, I’ll make it up to you, hon). But before telling this story I should tell you about a childhood memory.
I was around 6 and I was in the bathroom, ready to blow my nose all adult-like. Pickin it wasn’t so cool after finding that the weird kid in the first grade not only picked his, but he ate them too. And he sucked. Everyone knew that. So I’m in there doing my thing, and suddenly the tissue sort of pulls away in one place, leaving my nostril exposed. So one got away. I didn’t see it happen, but I knew it. I felt it leave. And so I looked EVERYWHERE. I mean, I scaled the walls, the ceiling, the tiles, the sink, the toilet and even myself. Nothing. No boogies anywhere to be found. So I finally gave up thinking
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was just some sort of pocket of air.
About three days later, maybe a week, we’re all sitting around the dinner table chatting and my mother says,
Kids, I can handle a lot of things. I can handle forgetting to flush the toilet, dirty cloths, skinned knees, even farts, but I have to draw the line at cleaning big boogers from the bathroom wall.
I was not only mortified (as there was a 50 percent chance on the finger being pointed at myself [Ryan wasn’t even old enough to hold his head up or eat, so he could not be blamed]) but shocked. I wondered,
WHERE did this woman FIND the damn thing!
The question bothered me so much, I almost confessed for relief. But I didn’t. We were done. It was over. And I didn’t admit to it until I was about 25 or so.
So the other day, Toby and I are talking in the foyer. I think we’re getting ready to head out… and I look over to my right, down the wall, about 2 feet from the floor and notice something weird. I peer in closer and there I see them, three of them, big manlike boogers standing there, peering back at me. I look at Toby, sort of speechless, ready to blame it on him and say
Dude, there are SNOT on our wall. Someone wiped snot on the wall right here.
SNOT. Can you believe that? Big boogers!
He takes a look and says,
GROSS! Clean it up!
There ain’t no way I was gonna clean that crap up. No way. I’ll clean up cat puke and cat pee and cat poo but not human snot. I draw the line at human snot. So Toby cleans it up with a 6 foot broom and a dustpan, scoops it away (along with some paint from the wall, telling us it’d been there for a bit and most likely the maintenance men did it when they painted our place a few months back). Snot.
I assure you, our place is very nice. And if Missy pops by or scbob or even my mother, I’m sure that they’ll back me up on this claim. I think perhaps it was just a little karma, for that time I was young and couldn’t place the contents of my own nose.
So fess up. What did you do?