The funk

Day two. It’s getting easier. I guess I’m not alone in the whole going back to work thing after a 4-day weekend. It’s slightly easier now that there’s some padding. Lately, I haven’t been feeling well. I feel nauseous. And I’m not sure if it’s my diet, my head, or there is actually something wrong, but it’s annoying. And emotionally I’ve been in some kind a funk as well. And its cause, I am unable to pin-point. I have even tried to call many doctors by way of my I’m-just-doing-my-job health insurance agents (who are just downright careless) in order to schedule an appointment to talk to someone, and have met numerous dead ends. Some aren’t taking any new patients, some don’t have up-to-date phone numbers, many, here in DC, are only accessible via car (something that I’m just getting tired of while living here—the need for a car). There was my most recent attempt, where I scheduled an appointment only to have the doctor cancel on me the day before. He lived far out anyway. I would have had to take a cab. I did find it funny. And then there are a number of people who just don’t return the call. All my life I have some hesitations to visiting a doctor in order to talk to him/her about my life. The idea, in my head, seems too much like whining. I can pretty much talk myself out of thinking anything is “that bad” so it all just seems annoying. I know this isn’t true, but it’s been a small barrier I finally overcame. It seems even funnier to me, that having done so, I can’t find someone. Did Tony make it cool or something? :]
I’m not losing my mind or anything. I know things are going to be ok, that nothing is “that” bad for that long. But I am sad. I have a feeling of joylessness and it’s been that way for a while. I have filled my days in order to take my mind off of it—this impending feeling. And I get excited over television programs now. I moved from NYC to DC to settle down a bit. I took the lazy boy of jobs. I have an understanding boy. And yet I still just don’t feel right. I’m hyper critical of the way I look. And things I say I apologize for and say “I’m stupid”. I was never like this. And there are days where I see me and I want to slap myself for being this new, insecure person.
And I’m sure there are some who this might make uneasy. reading this. You might be sort of embarrassed. Or you might be wondering if I’ll do something irrational. I know nothing is that bad, And, for the most part, I know everything is ok. I’m only stating what everyone at some point thinks and feels. We’re all entitled to our time feeling funked and sad. And even if we’re not alone we can feel lonely.
(edited): I just reread this, and it sounds pathetic. I assure you, I am not that sad. So say something witchy or just send me music.

15 Comments

  1. sounds like someone needs to come to a party.

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  2. Party!

    :] I know. I need something, that’s for damn sure. I need to CHILL THE FUCK OUT! ha ha ha.

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  3. Nah, you don’t sound pathetic at all. It sucks it’s been that tough scheduling an appt. I have been in the same boat as you, and I always blamed it on not having a boyfriend. Then I had a great boyfriend, and I still wasn’t happy. People suggested getting a hobby…and it’s helped somewhat. I just needed to feel passionate about something. And that’s been changing for me weekly. One week I want to open a restaurant, the next I want to be a writer, etc. I guess I still haven’t grown up at 25.

    Parties always help, too. Hope this feeling passes for ya soon.

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  4. perhaps there’s an underlying hint here… I should look into…

    Perhaps I should go back to school and study psychology. There are ZERO women doctors in DC under my insurance plan. hmmmmmm

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  5. ok the nausiation could be a million things but I have had it too for a while especially when jumping out of bed after not having slept too much, also the emotional funk seems to reflect on physical health.

    But one thing I did, is get this pack of small drinks that is supposed to stabilize your whatevertheycallit indigestion or whatever. It is Japanese and it’s called “Yakult” over here at least. It did the trick for me. Healthy too!

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  6. Maybe you should just go out and buy a brand new red sports car. That’s what my dad did. Sounds like a quarter life crisis to me… ;)

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  7. I’ve been looking for a therapist lately, too and have had not much luck. On top of that I found out that for mental services my co pay is $70. How is that right? If I go to the ER I only have to pay $50. I don’t understand why if you break your arm it’s more important than if you’re feeling depressed.

    I think Christmas makes me depressed, seeing all these people who seem so happy. I’m happy in alot of ways, but not completely fulfilled these days. And I feel like it’s whining, too because there are so many other people who don’t have anything, no place to live, no food. So, I feel like I should just shut up.

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  8. Especially when feeling depressed is just like breaking your arm…you gotta go get it fixed. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

    Christmas time is tough for a lot of folks. I hate being single this time of the year, so today I listened to the radio about some guy who was trying to figure out if he should break up with his girlfriend before or after the holidays. Misery enjoys company, I guess, so I listened and didn’t feel so bad. One more single guy on the market for me. Mazal Tov! I kid, I kid.

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  9. you’re all CRAZY!!!

    NUTS!!! PSYCHO!!!

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  10. I sleep next to you. I make you cups of tea at night. mmmmmm, sweet, hot tea.

    Aside from me, have you had any pain in your ass lately, tobyjoe?

    hehe

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  11. I asked my new doctor the other day to refer me to a psychiatrist, which she said she would. I’m waiting for a phone call now, to set an appointment. I’ve been meaning to do this for years now, and finally I’m making it happen. I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know how it works, but it can only help, right? So we’ll see. I’ve got a lot of shit to work out.

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  12. Regarding your update: one shouldn’t need to apologize for depression (even if we’re not talking clinical depression here). And depression shouldn’t imply that you’re not grateful for the things you have in your life.

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  13. It’s the holidays. If you’re not down, there’s something wrong with you.

    Hee hee.

    My solution? To hell with Christmas, let’s celebrate Festivus.

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  14. I agree! Festivus for everyone!

    Reply

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