Last night we went grocery shopping. We spent $120.00 bucks on food and $4.99 on another pumpkin. (Cheapest pumpkins I have ever seen). I am a terrible pumpkin carver, like so bad it’s embarrassing. They always look deranged. They always look scary, (and not in that good Halloweeny way. Nope). They’re so deranged and pathetic looking, they’re pardoned when pumpkin smashers seek their prey. One of our pumpkins is a gimp. It’s slightly off centered. It can’t stand up on its own. It’s covered in dirt, dirt I am unable to wipe off. My dad used it as a resting point in order to wipe off Toby’s cat-hair covered coat, so now it’s covered in cat hair too. (I wish it were covered in cats. My cats). This pumpkin was purchased last Saturday. It was the last pumpkin in the store. Earlier, when Toby went for some food, there were many, many pumpkins.

You should see them all! There were so many pumpkins! I was going to get you one, but I was unable to carry it. We’ll get one later today.

I was told. When we arrived later, there was only one. He sat, sad below the other pretty, pimply multi-colored gourds. He sat on the floor beneath the produce, ignored and unwanted. The Charlie Brown Christmas tree of pumpkin variety. It was Gimpumpkin. I had to buy him. It was meant to be. I was meant to work my magic on this little unwanted bastard.
We’ve had this sad little guy for nearly a week now. He’s been sitting there, (or leaning there, rather) against the wall on our kitchen table. Last night Safeway had so many new pumpkins, the choices were endless it seemed. So we picked out the Jude Law of pumpkins. He’s hot. He’s perfect. He’s like one of those pumpkin drawings, (if you’re good at that sort of thing). And if you’re not a simon or a Bob Ross, he’s the kind of pumpkin your mind wishes to draw before your hand destroys the page. Anyhow, Toby gets to carve Jude Law while I watch and document it. (That sounds so dirty). I will then give Gimpumpkin a face. All will be good and we will make seeds and eat them. I can’t hardly wait. Toby has never carved a pumpkin, more importantly, the Jude Law variety.


  1. halloween candy—check
    pumpkin—still contemplating

    ….my mom never let us carve our
    pumpkins, we always had to paint on them..


  2. painted pumpkins, HA HA HA…


  3. could’ve been worse, you could have been asked to take them out back to shoot them. You know, get your gun practice on.


    (I think I have some of “bowling for columbine” overflo going on). Sorry.


  4. Here at work, we are only allowed to draw faces on our pumpkins… no knives in the workplace idea I suppose… I’m probably supposed to be using safety scissors and non-toxic glue (lest I pull a ralph wiggum).


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