Masturbation

I worked as an AIDS project volunteer during college. Before helping we had to go through long classes so that when someone asked a question like

Can I get HIV from Water Sports?

you had to know what it was they were actually talking about. Someone once answered,

No, the chlorine will most likely kill the virus as it is actually very weak.

(D’OH!) So this next game is dedicated to my time training as an AIDS project volunteer and (indirectly but most importantly) Jon Bubb.
Terms for masturbation. (male and female) GO!!!!

Clearing the Snorkel

Rubbing one out.

40 Comments

  1. “rubbing one out,” that is so funny.

    um.

    spanking the monkey
    cleaning the pipes

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  2. choking the chicken

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  3. not that I’ve ever done that!

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  4. bah hahahah

    During this excercise at the AIDS project we found there were many more terms for boys than there were for girls. Hmmmmmm

    Even now, I’m having trouble thinking of some.

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  5. -whip off a batch
    -clear the baby batter

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  6. Sorry about the empty comment – I was too busy “taking matters into my own hands”.

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  7. CLEAR THE BABY BATTER?!

    BAH HAHAHHAHAH
    ewwwww

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  8. out of curiosity, what is the reason for water sports being safe?

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  9. No problem. I’m going to pretend folks don’t know. So here goes. (I am rusty, it’s been years since I studied all of this). Hopefully if something I say is false, someone will correct me.

    Water Sports is a term used for peeing on one another, not actually playing in the pool. (Just incase folks don’t know that).

    If a person pees directly into a person’s cut or a mucus membrane, then there is a (very small) chance, IT’S VERY slim. It’s sort of like spit. If a person has HIV and is making out with someone who has a cut in their mouth the person with the cut would have to drink about a bucket of spit before there would be a threat. The same can be said for urine. Once the virus is “air born” it becomes extremely weak. But you still want to tell folks to use protective plastic if they really must pee on one another. So we had to make sure that’s what they were talking about and not actually swimming.

    Did I answer any of what you just asked me? I tend to be a bit of a scatter brain and answer the wrong thing. :)

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  10. ahem

    Remind me to check my sex filter…..

    I thought you meant like water polo and swimming and diving.

    :/

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  11. Which, incidentally, is one of the many reasons I hated the movie “Kids” When I saw it, I was surrounded by little 18 year old punkers and when we reached the scene where the young kid and his friends began beating the black man in the park and he spit into the guys face (who was covered in open cuts) there were a bunch of kids who were like, “Oh shit, now that dude he got himself the AIDS.” Which was false. But they had no way of every knowing that. However the scene was carefully placed, slow-mo style. Some people can’t be trusted (at that age) to find out the truth. I was one of them. Dumb. :)

    Films can be dangerous if handed to the wrong folks. And that film, I felt, caused more harm than good. I was unfortunate enough to see some of that while working in a video store. It wasn’t the parents watching that movie and saying, “OH shit, I have to watch my kid closer!” It was the young 13 year olds thinking it was cool and shit.

    /rant.

    (Not sure where that came from). Oops.

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  12. Michael, it’s ok. Most folks don’t know that. :)

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  13. Well now I’m even more embarassed, I DO know what watersports means, I think I’ve just regressed to a more innocent time in my life today, a time when I didn’t think of sex 90% of the time. ; )

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  14. closing the deal
    taking rambo for a walk
    hi fivin’
    dock & unload
    taking a load off

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  15. Pulling the goalie
    Flogging the dolphin
    Beating the Bishop
    Applying the hand brake
    Arguing with Henry Longfellow
    Badgering the witness
    Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
    One gun salute
    Measuring for condoms
    Playing a little five-on-one
    Playing the skin flute

    OK that’s it I’m going back to work.

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  16. snap the carrot

    punch the munchkin

    wax the dolphin

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  17. for girls:

    DOUBLE CLICK YOUR MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  18. Diddle my skittle!

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  19. my favorite for the lads:

    ‘ferociously slide ones foreskin back and forth over their penis with particular focus on the frenum’

    it’s a mouthful all right…

    (gee, did i set myself up there, or what?)

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  20. most men in the us dont have foreskins, because infant mutilation is just as popular here as suvs. perhaps more so.

    watersports, i’m told, may not be as viable a vector for hiv infection, but is pretty good at speading other things

    like syphillis or the clap

    everybody, clap now for toby

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  21. oh, roman showers are pretty safe. if for some deranged reason you’re into that sort of thing.

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  22. a friend in high school once insisted that there was a difference between “beating off”, “jacking off” and “jerking off”…

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  23. yes so ummm this “friend” could “he” perhaps elaborate as to how they are different? I won’t tell “him” you said anything.

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  24. are you insinuating perhaps nifkins friend is not so much a friend but maybe… umm… nifkin?

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  25. Hey jon, did “nifkin’s friend” tell you this stuff? About the roman showers and stuff.

    I’m not saying people should start peeing on one another. I can’t imagine that would work too well. I can’t even pee in front of the cat.

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  26. Be careful all this urine could ruin a good bedroom set. My “friend” recommends:

    http://www.bedwettingstore.com/bedwetting-mattresscover.htm

    For all your water sport needs.

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  27. no. i had to learn about roman showers myself.

    wait. that didn’t sound right.

    i kept hearing jokes about roman showers. they were about par with dirty sanchez jokes. but i had no idea what a roman shower was. and, as i found out, neither did half the people telling the joke.

    so i googled ‘roman shower’

    i still soooo wish i hadn’t done that

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  28. Wow. google just returned mihow.com for MILLIONS more eager viewers – the one handed typing variety that is…

    ‘bash the bishop’
    ‘Squeeze out the population paste’
    ‘clear the custard’

    I feel dirty.

    and i think I like it…

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  29. “polishing the knob”
    or for the Pollacks like me:
    “Polishing the knob”

    this is even funnier if you reference the “Pollack Corner” thread from months back.

    and it’s even FUNNIER if the dying mouse stuck in the trap says it in a Barry White voice.

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  30. i’m glad im not the only one who
    can’t pee in front of the cat.

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  31. when you touch yourself you make your naughty bits tingle

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  32. I can’t believe no one said anything about finding the little man in the boat.

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  33. the one-eyed chinaman?

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  34. oh yeah. fighting’ the cyclops ?

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  35. what little man in the boat? what boat? there’s a man in the boat?

    keep him away from me!

    *does he bite?

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  36. Don’t forget the “menage moi”

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  37. Toby, for Mihow’s sake I’ll assume you’re joking. It’s so hard to tell. :)

    Not that any of those things are ANY of my business!!! No sir! Nope.

    Reply

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