I remember when I first started smoking, it was a blast. And that got old-
not as fast as many (and myself) may have liked but eventually it did. And I remember when I was 13, I got drunk for the first time. I mean actually drunk. And that was fun, still is (sometimes). I did other ‘things’ (left out cuz I might run for president some day) that were fun, even in excessive doses, for a time. I found habit after habit after habit-all were a great time for at least a little while.
I said the other day to tobyjoe and danny,
I have what they call an addictive personality”
(YOU DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT?! Yeah, you did. moron). And I quickly felt ridiculous. Toby answered (I’m paraphrasing),
everyone does, it’s how you choose your addiction, that’s what matters.
Most of them (my addictions), ended up choosing me. Meaning, no matter how hard I tried to keep it under control and deem it as ‘fun’, it would end up backfiring and treating me as if it owned me. I guess I’m just sort of weak that way. (But strong enough to admit it).
And this one? I created this one. This blogger thing-
though I wouldn’t actually call it that-it’s more of a way I can eventually make (some) sense of a time because it sure the hell doesn’t make any right now. (To me). I think some day I might empty all of the contents out on to the floor like one does with pictures and think back on how great (or fucked up) it all was. This time I actually have an ‘addictive goal’ in mind. I do. And I want to keep it. I really do. But it’s not owning me—It’s actually really friggin hard to want to keep up, but I do it just the same. Smoking never took work. Drinking never took work. Design never took work. This is actually taking work. It’s not fun right now. Then again, neither were hangovers or empty pockets, but I drank myself silly all the same.
This post is for me. (I just realized it). I am going to keep doing this, like I kept smoking and drinking and doing all sorts of self-destructive things. We’ll see what happens after said addiction’s time is up.
I ask that you (you know who you are) leave this one alone. It’s mine. And I will do just the same for you.