Suburban Thieves Are Little Bastards.

Every year, we put out a tray of treats—water, soda, tissues, lip balm, hand warmers, chips—you get the picture. We do this for the many delivery people who come to our house during the busy holiday season. (Frankly, I’m not sure how my mother got through Christmas with three kids without the help of Amazon, but I digress.) We tip the usual suspects; the mailman gets an extra bit of love, the trash guys, too. But this is for all the outsourced work, those third parties.

Last year, I had it up for two weeks and replenished whenever things went low. Not once did we have an issue with anyone stealing everything or taking too much.

On Monday, I put out this year’s treat table and—NO JOKE—within a few hours, ALL the Ghirardelli chocolate squares were gone. I couldn’t believe it. Why would someone do such a thing? And why would they take the most expensive chocolate on the tray? Why not rob us blind of all the Reese’s and Mini Snickers since I can’t seem to stop eating them because holy crap, trash candy is so damn good and I totally don’t choose Us Weekly over Time while in the waiting room.

But, no. This thief took the good stuff. And I wanted to cry. It was day one and already two packs, like 25 pieces, of Ghirardelli squares had been taken from us.

My husband, being an anti-surveillance nerd who is aware of all the myriad ways HUMANS are tracked constantly, decides to set up a small camera. Not that we’d do anything about it, should we find the thief. We aren’t like that. The chocolates are free, after all. It was more about KNOWING who would do such a thing. Who can eat that much Ghirardelli?

So, the camera goes up yesterday and I head out with my husband to take the dog for a walk. It’s midday, right around 1 PM. The sky is overcast and we’re enjoying the weirdly warm weather. We walk for a while then return to the house.

That’s when we spot the FATTEST squirrel. I mean, this squirrel is so obese—a jolly ol’ chap—he must be prepping for a decade of winters. Even my rat terrier dog took one look and said, “Nope.”

So the fat squirrel is standing on our step stool, furiously digging through our wooden tray. He’s digging and digging and digging and then he TAKES OFF toward our backyard carrying whatever he possibly can.

“You don’t think… I mean, no way, right?” I say to Toby.

Sure enough, every piece of chocolate is gone.

Toby tries chasing the fat bastard through our yard to see where he’s taking all our goodies but the thief makes a successful getaway.

At this point, I am still not convinced that a squirrel ran off with THAT many squares of Ghirardelli. I mean, that’s insane. What is he doing with them? Building the most amazing nest, a rodent palace consisting of fine chocolate?

This morning, I head out to take the kids to the bus stop and I spot an unopened square of Ghirardelli on our driveway. When I return, I decide to comb the perimeter of our yard, because NO WAY.

Sure enough, I find three other unopened squares of Ghirardelli.

This squirrel went from being the biggest jerk ever to becoming the greatest fuzzy freak I’ve ever not quite met.

We now have our chocolate in a jar that requires opposable thumbs.

FoodForDelivery

Update: He cleared me out of chocolate. (All on video). Then the snack bars. Then the Ricola. NOW THIS!???!!

 

Watch more of this little dude in action here.

Copyright © 2017 Michele Boudreaux. All rights reserved.
For licensing / permission to use, please email licensing(at)mihow(dot)com.

39 Comments

  1. I can’t believe how nice this is! I don’t think I can one so elaborate but I will totally put one out!

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  2. greenerpasturesacitygirlgoescountry December 7, 2017 at 10:03 am

    My faith in humanity is restored! And that’s pretty nice that you put out those things for the service people too.

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  3. […] Suburban Thieves Are Fat Bastards. […]

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  4. […] Boudreaux says on her blog she provides candy, tissues, lip balm and other goodies on her doorstep. This year, her basket was […]

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  5. […] Boudreaux says on her blog she provides candy, tissues, lip balm and other goodies on her doorstep. This year, her basket was […]

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  6. […] Boudreaux says on her blog she provides candy, tissues, lip balm and other goodies on her doorstep. This year, her basket was […]

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  7. […] said she stumbled upon the thieving rodent in the act Wednesday, and recorded it taking more chocolate and a Carmex lip […]

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  8. babydollsbloggie December 7, 2017 at 4:27 pm

    Ha! This is so fabulous. Also, trash candy ftw 🙃

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  9. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. […]

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  10. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. She […]

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  11. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, says on her blog that she provides candy, tissues, lip balm and other goodies on her doorstep for the various […]

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    Reply

  12. […] Boudreaux says on her blog she provides candy, tissues, lip balm and other goodies on her doorstep. This year, her basket was […]

    Like

    Reply

  13. […] Boudreaux, who lives in Maplewood, said on her blog that she typically leaves out snacks and other mini gifts by her door during the holiday season for […]

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    Reply

  14. […] Boudreaux, who lives in Maplewood, said on her blog that she typically leaves out snacks and other mini gifts by her door during the holiday season for […]

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    Reply

  15. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. […]

    Like

    Reply

  16. […] Boudreaux, who lives in Maplewood, said on her blog that she typically leaves out snacks and other mini gifts by her door during the holiday season for […]

    Like

    Reply

  17. […] Boudreaux, who lives in Maplewood, said on her blog that she typically leaves out snacks and other mini gifts by her door during the holiday season for […]

    Like

    Reply

  18. […] Boudreaux, who lives in Maplewood, said on her blog that she typically leaves out snacks and other mini gifts by her door during the holiday season for […]

    Like

    Reply

  19. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. […]

    Like

    Reply

  20. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. […]

    Like

    Reply

  21. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. […]

    Like

    Reply

  22. […] Boudreaux, who lives in Maplewood, said on her blog that she typically leaves out snacks and other mini gifts by her door during the holiday season for […]

    Like

    Reply

  23. […] Boudreaux, who lives in Maplewood, said on her blog that she typically leaves out snacks and other mini gifts by her door during the holiday season for […]

    Like

    Reply

  24. […] jolly ol’ chap — he must be prepping for a decade of winters,” Michele Boudreaux wrote in her blog. “He’s digging and digging and digging and then he TAKES OFF toward […]

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  25. Love, love, love this! And hate that the stories I saw it in did not have a link to your blog. But Google being a good friend helped me find you. Thanks for the many chuckles. Totally sharing on my Facebook page, but not the news story, your blog post!

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  26. […] wrote on her blog about how she found out the culprit. Video footage shows an obese, but enterprising squirrel doing […]

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  27. […] obese — a jolly ol’ chap — he must be prepping for a decade of winters,” Michele Boudreaux wrote in her blog. “He’s digging and digging and digging and then he TAKES OFF toward our backyard […]

    Like

    Reply

  28. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. She […]

    Like

    Reply

  29. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. She […]

    Like

    Reply

  30. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. She […]

    Like

    Reply

  31. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. She […]

    Like

    Reply

  32. […] wrote about how she found the culprit on her blog. Video footage shows an obese but enterprising squirrel doing what squirrels do—taking and eating […]

    Like

    Reply

  33. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. […]

    Like

    Reply

  34. […] Michele Boudreaux from Maplewood, New Jersey filmed this hilarious video of a fat little squirrel helping himself to chocolates, lip balm, and other treats from a tray that Michele and her family set out on their front porch for delivery drivers during the holidays. Read more about the thieving squirrel on Michele’s blog. […]

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  35. […] be stolen by me, because I have no willpower when it comes to chocolates and snacks.) But Michele writes on her blog that they’ve never had a problem with thieves or drivers taking too much. This year was a […]

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  36. […] the Department of Awesomely Good Deeds salutes Michele Boudreaux in New Jersey who sets out boxes of treats, drinks, and cold weather supplies for delivery drivers […]

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  37. […] Suburban Thieves Are Little Bastards. […]

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  38. […] Boudreaux, of Maplewood, New Jersey, said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. […]

    Like

    Reply

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