Bad Mouth

So, I started a fad diet. A friend of mine talked me into it. I like her a great deal. She’s one of my favorite people. My husband calls it a pyramid scheme. And I’m not sure if he’s right because I’m not actually sure what it is I’m doing. But I am going to try it for 21 days and see how things shake up. But just to make sure I don’t unwittingly end up spending hundreds of dollars on plastic containers and shakes, I set an alert for August 30th that reads:


Yeah. It’s that Shakeology thing. You know, the one where middle-aged suburban women in yoga gear walk around with plastic Shakeology cups. They discuss portion control, whole grains, good fats (that’s fats, not farts, all farts are good), workouts and waistlines. That’s me. Only I don’t have a waistline and I don’t yet own any yoga gear. Also: I like cheese and I don’t think it’s a good fat.

I broke two toes on Sunday night, ironically mere hours before my 21 Day workout was set to begin. I fell down the last few steps heading to the kitchen to get something for a screaming Walter (night terrors). It was kind of funny. And I didn’t really care at the time because it was 2 in the morning, and Murray had come home a few hours earlier. So I was happy. I did say the work “fuck” a lot which apparently woke my 9-year-old and he was not too pleased because he hates bad words. I apologized a lot for that the following morning. Sometimes I have a potty mouth.

Anyway, here is my foot. It’s gross even when it’s not broken. But I am a runner so I don’t give a shit. Feet aren’t meant to be pretty.


But it hurt. It still hurts. And I can’t run.

But I did start the diet and the workout, with some modifications because I can’t jump too much. After 30 minutes of that work out I wanted to punch the shit out of people. The word “fuck” doesn’t come close to what was going on in my head. “Lunge” is another word for “I’m going to murder someone” and “burpee” may rhyme with “slurpee” but they are not nearly as fun as they sound.

(Sorry, Em, for all the bad words.)

So, that’s where I am. I’m in a much better place than I was a few days ago. I started taking antidepressants a couple of months ago and then my doctor upped my dose recently and I think that’s helping. After years of saying I would never go that route, I decided it was time. I needed some help. No shame in that. You see, when I’m up, things are fabulous and I am pretty sure I can conquer the world. I feel indestructible. But when I am not up? I feel like there is absolutely no reason to do anything; complete anything; start anything; finish anything. I just want to watch Netflix, drink wine and wait until what? I don’t even know.

Right now, I’m up.

Sunday, I was not up.

I will continue to write here and share my thoughts and what I’m doing to try and make myself a better, more likable person. I hope that you will stick around and share your thoughts as well. Because over the years your comments and emails have meant the world to me. As I navigate growing older, and try and accept the fact that I can’t change who I am or go back in time, I will try and make my route a public one.

You can’t be what you were
So you better start being 
just what you are
You can’t be what you were
the time is now is running out 
is running out 
is running running running out
You can’t be what you were
So you better start living the life
That you’re talking about
You can’t be what you were

Thank you for reading.


  1. I have been very skeptical of the 21 day fix mostly because it took over my FB feed with overly peppy people in athletic gear. Then I deleted my FB page AND a good friend who was really struggling with depression and a lot of other unpleasantness started it. And it changed her life in such a positive way that I can’t hate it. I hope it does this for you as well. And I am so happy that Murray is home.


    1. Beth: i can’t even begin to tell you how cynical and annoyed I have been with that diet. All of it. I have hidden most of those in my feed who try and sell it. (That and Rodan?) But I do like the woman who sold me on it. So, I threw a bone her way and figured, what do I have to lose?

      I will NOT become one of those people on Facebook or elsewhere. You have my word on that, my friend. No way. No how. Not that there’s anything wrong with people who are proud and share this stuff! I am proud of them. I’m just entirely too insecure. And look at my feet! You do not want to see the rest of this body. :]


      1. Haha well pics or not, I wish you much luck and I do hope you will share your feedback with us.

  2. Toes – ewwwww.
    Murray – hurray!
    Shakeology – whatever.
    Anti-depressants – yes!

    You sharing is always a good thing.


  3. My sister, her best friend, my mom & I are all doing online Weight Watchers and did a group on FB just for us since we all live so far apart. The support is invaluable and my sister is who talked me into joining and she didn’t get anything for it. Good luck with your Shakeology! I have been friend who did it and she had great results.

    We moved to a new city last fall and I have zero friends here but I swallowed my pride and joined a running group for women who may or may not suffer from mental health issues. I almost talked myself out of the initial registration meeting but I went and I am excited to get out and meet some people. I usually “up” but when I am down it seems like it is impossible to come back up and it really is a vicious cycle.

    I will stop rambling now. I’m happy Murray came home and that you clawed your way back up! And I am happy you will stick around. I can’t imagine my online life without you!


    1. You are damn sweet.

      I did WW for a while a long time ago and had great results. No online community tho. This one does have that, at least for 21 days. And I’m using it.

      So awesome you got out and met some local women! And runners no less. We are a good breed, I think. Slightly self-abusive, a lot crazy. :] Did you happen to see the link I posted on twitter about the most recent On Being episode about spirituality and running? So awesome.


  4. My good friend loved shakeology! I need to shake my love for weed. The munchies are not good for an aging metabolism. I just hate the taste of alcohol. I guess could I just go back to my Mormon ways and do nothing. But not all the way back to like, believing in God and shit. I’m not that desperate to get skinny. Well…actually of believing in is would make me skinny I totally would. HAHAHA


  5. I just finished the first round of 21 day fix. I was part of a group on fb, very supportive ladies. I didn’t buy the shakeology because I couldn’t shake all that money for shakes. I tried my best to follow the meal guidelines and did all the workouts. Let’s just say I couldn’t even run in the warm up on the first day and by the last week I already started feeling much stronger and could a lot more of the moves without modifications. So, overall I lost 5 lbs, I am stronger, happier and will continue till I drop the other 25 left from the pregnancy with my 3rd boy :) so glad Murray is back! Happy to see you back here and feel great mama!


  6. I’m in London and never heard of shakeology, will google it! To be motivated and feeling good about it is a fantastic feeling though, good for you and good luck!


  7. Murray! That is all. I am so happy to hear you are doing better. X


  8. I think everyone is a secret Beachbody person at one point or another. I tried Shakeology + mealplans + P90. I lost 10 lbs. And then I gained them back and then some. I do like the workouts a lot and have done them since I quit all the other stuff. I do not recommend staying on the diet plan for too long, because it’s too much of a calorie deficit and completely screws up your metabolism. Eat healthy, do their workouts, but don’t calorie restrict too much.


  9. I am doing the 28 Day Fit Girl Challenge. I love/hate it. I also tried a barre class. OMFG, my arms the next day….


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s