About a week ago, I entered a really bad place and I haven’t been able to leave it. I hate feeling this way. The thing that sucks the most is that I’m aware of the change. I know it’s temporary, yet I can’t do anything to overcome it. This is what I imagine it feels like to have clinical depression. You’re depressed. You get it. But you just can’t snap the hell out of it no matter how hard you try or how many times you belly up and say, “Damn, dudes. I’m depressed!”
Because, damn, dudes. I’m irritable!
One might assume, that just by recognizing one has a problem, one might be freed from said problem. At the very least one might gain some insight as to how one might free oneself from one’s problem. But one can’t. And so one writes about oneself using “one”, and one grows increasingly more annoyed with oneself.
This one has no idea how to shake this ugly feeling.
I’m never comfortable. Even when I sleep my brain is tossing and turning. I have to sleep on my side (obviously), but my IT bands are acting up so I wake up with the worst leg pain and it doesn’t go away until I massage it and that hurts like hell. (For those who have ever run long distances, you are probably well aware of the IT band.)
Here’s the thing, I could deal with all the physical aches and pains if it weren’t for this new miserable mental state.
How do you overcome this grumpy feeling? I can’t even eat a bunch of junk food to drown my sorrows because of the heartburn. You know what I had for dinner last night? Pineapple. A LOT of pineapple. I didn’t get heartburn. But when I awoke at 2 AM to use the toilet (for the 3rd time) I had some of the most intense hunger I’ve ever had. But I knew eating would be a disaster, so I stared at the moon instead. (Which was admittedly awesome. I guess that’s one good thing about not being able sleep for longer than one hour at a time: I got to see the lunar eclipse every hour from beginning to end.)
Earlier today everything came to head. I was listening to Soundcheck on 93.9 and Matt Wilson’s Christmas Tree-O came on. They played a few songs live in the Soundcheck studio. Now, I am by no means a fan of jazz. Some jazz is OK, but most of it just annoys the living shit out of me. But today? This jazz? Oh my goodness, my body just filled with rage—true rage. I can’t imagine this is the reaction jazz musicians are hoping for. And I must be part of a small minority, because if everyone had the visceral feeling I had, the streets would look a lot like 28 Days Later.
If the Soundcheck studio had been nearby, I’d have hobbled my ass over there and screamed at them.
“WHERE’S THE MELODY, JAZZHOLES? YOU CALL THAT MUSIC? I CALL THAT AUDIBLE TORTURE!”
How can anyone play such nonsense and call it music? I was so annoyed. And I needed an answer. I needed to know how anyone could call that music.
How is that noise music?
And then I realized I’d taken crazy up to level 11, possibly even 12. And while I would have liked to blamed the crazy on all that jazz, I knew it wasn’t entirely jazz’s fault.
Yeah, this isn’t really about jazz, middle of the night hunger or heartburn. It’s not about eating pineapple for dinner because pineapple is a wonderful thing. This isn’t about taking note of a glorious eclipse. This is about me realizing I’m not myself at all and that I probably won’t be myself again for another 8 weeks. I have to learn how to deal with it somehow. I have to learn how to cope with me somehow.
Just, please, for the next 8 weeks don’t play any fucking jazz.
Oh my. I was reading your blog at work and got interrupted and thought you were going to say you normally don’t like jazz but that it calmed you or something along those lines I about fell over laughing when I read the actual outcome. Hope you feel better soon. Only advise I have is when you do have a moment of happiness remind yourself how it feels and hold onto it.
I DO get moments of total elation but they are coming along less and less frequently and that blows. There was a while there when it just felt great, everything felt great. Even though I was kind of falling apart physically, mentally things were sound. But now? Not many moments of elation and that blows.
I know it sounds like I’m whining, but the thing is, I really just don’t feel very content these days emotionally. I am hoping it passes. Because this is definitely chemical and there’s not much I can do about it right now.
But it helps to write it down. I already feel better. And blaming jazz helped a great deal. ;]
If you’re like me you have long spurts of irritation followed by bursts of energy. I always got the irritability after a growth spurt and became more uncomfortable. My friend called it adjusting to the new normal. At least the second time around, you really do know it ends!
You can place some of the blame on me. After all I helped create all of this many years ago. Maybe the next several days will be just the tonic you need to get you through till the new year. Why no Tuesday with Murray? Maybe it’s all his fault. It’s possible he hasn’t been providing the proper crazy balance!
I love you for coining jazzhole. I feel the shoopidoopbidoobidoo pain.
I laughed explosively when I read “Jazzholes” too. Fantastic. I hope you feel better soon.
I’ve had a day with a lot of crying going on. Jazzholes perked me right up. It may not make you feel any better but it certainly helped me.
Eat whatever doesn’t give you heartburn, nap when you can. Sooner or later, this tenant of yours will be evicted and your brain will function again.
I have to say, reading you describing your depression, made me feel a smidge better and less alone with my own.
I am totally surrounded by people who love me, but none of them battle with depression like I do. I, like you, see it often from the outside, and get beyond frustrated that I can’t seem to control it, or just “will” myself out of it. I know it drives everyone around me crazy, because it seems like I just want to bitch all the time, but that’s not it. The best way I can describe that there is a veil is over my eyes, and I can only focus on the most immediate things, usually things that suck and make me angry. The bigger things, the things that are further away, are hard to look at, and it takes too much effort to “see” them. But, ultimately, that’s what you have to try and do. Strain to focus on the big things, the things that are further away. Once you can pull your eyes away from the 6″ directly in front of you, you might be able to lighten the load of depression and anger, and see the good (or at least tolerable) of what you have. I battle every day, and have since I was young, to “see” the amazing life I have, but everyday it is hard, sometimes it feels impossible, to pull my eyes away from the darkness right in front of me and smile.
I am sorry to hear that you are having such feelings, but I am glad that they will most likely go when your little boy arrives.
Take care.
Y’all I have to clear something up. Because I feel bad for those who DO suffer from depression. I’m not depressed. Just full of rage. :)
I didn’t want folks to think I was suggesting I truly understand what depression feels like. Well, I guess I had it after both previous pregnancies but this time? It’s just rage. Uncontrolable at times. I’m charming!
Thank you all for the kind words.
And I’m glad y ‘all liked Jazzholes.
Sucks to be angry when you don’t wanna be.
I read this yesterday and again – both times I couldn’t help but think of that old punk song by FEAR – New York’s All Right if You Like Saxophones. (Don’t listen to that until you’re past your jazz rage. Unless you want to break shit up.)
Seriously though – hope you feel better. Thinkin bout ya.
Sheryl: oh! I know that song well!! And have been thinking of it since the jazz incident.
My mom always told me that depression was repressed anger, and I am definitely very angry a lot of the time!
If it’s any consolation, writing your irritable stream of conscienceness rates really high on entertainment value for those of us who read your blog. You are giving joy by feeling this way (and writing so eloquently about it…) so it is completly selfless when I say I hope you’re feeling better soon!
Totally sympathize. I’ve been irritable as all hell during this third trimester. And it sucks. The hubby understands its hormones and just puts up with it. I feel bad for him though. :(
Maybe you should listen to more Bob Marley. Always makes me feel better.
So I am 32 weeks pregnant and had to come back and read this post again because it is exactly how I feel right now!!! Okay, jazz doesn’t drive me to rage but I am just so blah with everything – and, while it’s not jazz, other things enrage me. I know I have a problem but I don’t have the first clue of how to go about fixing it. Nothing is really wrong and there is no reason for me to feel this way. Like you did, I’m realizing that I probably won’t be myself for at least another 8 weeks! Anyway I hope it gets better (your post seems to suggest it has). Thank you for this post – I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has felt this way.