Warning to all those without children: it’s best to stop reading this right now. I used words like “potty”, “number two” and “diarrhea slide”.
Em turned three on Sunday. And he’s not yet entirely potty trained. He’ll pee in the toilet 99% of the time. He’s been pee potty trained for a long time. It’s Number 2 that has us ripping our hair out.
He simply will not poop on the toilet. No matter how many talks we have, it just doesn’t happen. You see, if he’s naked and running around the house (yes, this is a very, very common occurrence at our house) he will poop on the pot. But if you so much as put a pair of underwear on him, forget about it.
And this is my fault entirely. When he was a wee one (maybe 1.5) I started letting him run around naked. I figured that since I was a stay-at-home mom and he spent most of his time with me at home, we’d start potty training early. I showed him where the toilet was and told him that if he needed to use the bathroom, we’d go together. And it worked! (He even used the potty back then for poop, but only a couple of times. Usually he waited until he had a diaper on to go number two. But he was young, so I didn’t press it.)
We were pleased and figured that he’d be potty trained really early. (Oh, we’re so stupid. Everyone knows you never say such a thing out loud.)
We’re running out of ideas. I’ve asked him—pleaded with him—and nothing. I’ve kept him home explaining that we can’t go to the playground until he poops. And then I go stir-crazy in our tiny apartment and decide I can’t stay in so we go out and—no kidding—within five minutes he’s under the slide and pooping. And it always makes a huge mess.
For example, about a week ago he pooped under the jungle gym and instead of letting me know, he continued to go down the curly slide, smearing poop all over it. I finally got a whiff (ah, pregnancy nose!) and realized that the brown skid marks all over the curly slide were not mud or chocolate or paint. They were poop! And the poop was coming off of my kid. What’s more, he was still wet from the water park. So he basically turned the curly slide into a diarrhea slide.
But that’s not all! Oh no, my friends, that’s not all. A few other kids had gone down it after he had. Naturally, I freaked out. I’m used to my kid being covered in poop. But other kids being covered in my kid’s poop? Ugh.
Thankfully the other parents were understanding. Granted, I was the one who had to climb up the curly slide and wipe off all the poop. I think they felt sorry enough for me. I left covered in poop. My kid left covered in poop.
And everyone involved now needs therapy.
Anyway, this morning I created these gems:
I know! What kind of graphic designer creates this ugly, boring mess? A desperate one with little supplies and no printer. Seriously, they might not look like much right now, but I’m hoping they’ll soon be covered in brightly colored stickers, stars and awesome things that will make him realize how AWESOME it is to use the potty.
I added The “Pee Sign” so he’d get it right away, since he’s already got the hang of that. But the “Poop Sign” is for bigger awards.
Bribery? You betcha. But if I never have to climb up the curly slide to wipe off my kid’s feces ever again, it’ll be too soon.
If anyone has any other ideas, I’m am all ears.