Getting Acquainted with Feces.

Em stepped in some poop this morning. I am not sure if it was dog feces, squirrel feces, human feces or raccoon feces. It seemed like too much to be squirrel and too little to be human. I have to admit, I kind of hope it was squirrel feces because I think squirrels have the better diet out of all the animals listed above.

The unfortunate part about all of this is we currently only have one pair of shoes for Em. He outgrew the others recently. I realize that this is pretty stupid of me—to only have one pair of shoes for my son—but when we walked into our local boutique children’s store this past weekend, I almost fell over when I saw the price tag. We thought we could find better deals online only to discover that those little shoes are just really pricey. Up until recently I’d have told you that having a child hasn’t been all that expensive. I purchase a new pair of shoes for myself maybe once a year. Maybe. He’s going through a new pair every month.

Well, today he stepped in crap, sticky crap—crap with the consistency of gum. Crap I had to rip from the bottom of his pricey shoe. Crap that I then had to brush off with a toothbrush. (Worry not, my Tobyjoe, it was not yours.) Crap that had me gagging the entire time.

Something did occur to me while scrubbing the crap from the bottom of my son’s shoe. It’s not a groundbreaking idea, but it’s about as far as I get these days. Kids put a lot of stuff in their mouths. Just yesterday I extracted two pieces of dried cat food from Emory’s cheek. In the past, I have caught him chewing on the soles of his shoes. Yes, the same shoes he used to stomp on feces today.

No matter how many times you tell yourself, “I have never ingested feces.” It’s just not true. We eat feces all the time. In fact, I bet you’re eating feces right now, especially if you work with people and one of them drank a little too much beer last night while watching presidential hopefuls yammer on about Joe The Plumber who (got news for you, America) has eaten crap as well.

And you know those funny shrooms you ate in college? Crap. Mushrooms in general? Crap. The organic vegetables you pay extra for? That’s right. Crap.

And if you’re not eating crap right now, you have. I assure you.

So, remember that the next time you’re at an interview and the person across from you is silently judging you, sizing you up. Remember that they too have eaten crap. And the next time that anonymous person leaves a hateful comment on your web site or sends you an email letting you that you are a horrible, terrible person, they eat crap. The two girls over there sharing that cup? Definitely crap. The guy who dumped you? Crap. His new girlfriend? Also crap. That blogger who you can’t stand? Yup. Crap.

Now if you’ll excuse me…


  1. The squirrels on my block dig in my neighbor’s garbage for buffalo chicken wings, then sit on the fence gnawing on the bones and screech carnivorously at me when I walk to the bus. Frightening!

    Also, the end of your post was so funny.
    Reminded me of the old Upright Citizens Brigade episode “Ass Pennies”. (click on my name)


  2. I won’t comment on the poop thing, but i will give you my best kids shoe advice. Em might be a little young for these yet, I’m not sure how small they come, but he’ll be just right soon. CONVERSE HIGH TOPS. These are the best kids shoes in the world. Not only do they look super cute, but you can wash them in the machine AND they lace up so the kid can’t easily get them off. I don’t know about other kids, but mine when through a phase where she kicked off her shoes everywhere – at the store, school, 2 miles from home while on a walk in cold weather, etc. So these were the absolute best things.

    You can find a huge variety online. Sometimes on ebay. Price is good. They are all around winners!


  3. Won’t comment about poop?!!! That can only mean one of two things: You think I’m completely crazy or you know something about poop and kids.

    Thanks for the shoe pointers! I will look into it. Wonder how small they run… Off to find out!


  4. i’ve never commented before but i just felt i had to.
    posts like this one are the reason i love reading you and the reason i come back every single day.
    so with that, i hope you never let the poop eating jerks keep you from writing and making my day! thanks!


  5. i’ve dealt with too many poop issues in the past six years. far more than i ever anticipated dealing with.


  6. I’ll drink to that.


  7. My baby son who has an ear infection woke us up crying in pain just a few minutes ago. I brought him down, and we opened the laptop to see what was new. Seeing a new blog entry from you, I decided to read it in a soothing sing-song voice to calm my son. And what do know? I was cracking up the whole time, but it seems to have worked. Thank you for making us all feel better. You are sooooo funny!


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