Getting Acquainted with Feces.

Em stepped in some poop this morning. I am not sure if it was dog feces, squirrel feces, human feces or raccoon feces. It seemed like too much to be squirrel and too little to be human. I have to admit, I kind of hope it was squirrel feces because I think squirrels have the better diet out of all the animals listed above.

The unfortunate part about all of this is we currently only have one pair of shoes for Em. He outgrew the others recently. I realize that this is pretty stupid of me—to only have one pair of shoes for my son—but when we walked into our local boutique children’s store this past weekend, I almost fell over when I saw the price tag. We thought we could find better deals online only to discover that those little shoes are just really pricey. Up until recently I’d have told you that having a child hasn’t been all that expensive. I purchase a new pair of shoes for myself maybe once a year. Maybe. He’s going through a new pair every month.

Well, today he stepped in crap, sticky crap—crap with the consistency of gum. Crap I had to rip from the bottom of his pricey shoe. Crap that I then had to brush off with a toothbrush. (Worry not, my Tobyjoe, it was not yours.) Crap that had me gagging the entire time.

Something did occur to me while scrubbing the crap from the bottom of my son’s shoe. It’s not a groundbreaking idea, but it’s about as far as I get these days. Kids put a lot of stuff in their mouths. Just yesterday I extracted two pieces of dried cat food from Emory’s cheek. In the past, I have caught him chewing on the soles of his shoes. Yes, the same shoes he used to stomp on feces today.

No matter how many times you tell yourself, “I have never ingested feces.” It’s just not true. We eat feces all the time. In fact, I bet you’re eating feces right now, especially if you work with people and one of them drank a little too much beer last night while watching presidential hopefuls yammer on about Joe The Plumber who (got news for you, America) has eaten crap as well.

And you know those funny shrooms you ate in college? Crap. Mushrooms in general? Crap. The organic vegetables you pay extra for? That’s right. Crap.

And if you’re not eating crap right now, you have. I assure you.

So, remember that the next time you’re at an interview and the person across from you is silently judging you, sizing you up. Remember that they too have eaten crap. And the next time that anonymous person leaves a hateful comment on your web site or sends you an email letting you that you are a horrible, terrible person, they eat crap. The two girls over there sharing that cup? Definitely crap. The guy who dumped you? Crap. His new girlfriend? Also crap. That blogger who you can’t stand? Yup. Crap.

Now if you’ll excuse me…