Michele & Toby + 1

I was watching Ellen the other day (Shut up. I like her.). Her guests were Jon & Kate and their 8 biological children. The word “biological” matters this time because that added to the insanity of their story; you should have see how large this woman was at month 6 and how much bed rest she had. Anyway, I was sort of blown away by this couple. The wife had perfect hair, makeup. Her clothing was ironed. She looked awesome and totally awake, totally peppy, vibrant.

Emory is a great baby. He doesn’t cry. He barely fusses and whenever he does fuss it’s more funny than frustrating. Yet I still find ways to complain. I still feel a bit lost when it comes to this mothering thing. My hair is rarely washed. The house is in disarray. I barely have time to feed myself and the meals I do consume must be of the one-hand held variety. I juggle between the same three pair of pants and the same 5 shirts. The dishes pile up sometimes. The cat box overflows. The floors have tumbleweeds. I have just one baby. Just one, awesome, well-behaved baby and I still can’t keep up with the upkeep. And my hygiene was the first thing to go. It’s everything baby first. Then cats. Then house. Then Internet. Then me.

How the hell does this woman take care of 8 kids and keep things even remotely orderly at all? Jon heads to work and she takes care of 8 kids. Eight. She appears to have a 100-dollar haircut. Plus, her fingernails are clean. Plus, she probably doesn’t smell and I bet she still shaves. And if that wasn’t shocking enough. She makes dinner every night from scratch. What’s more? IT’S ALL ORGANIC. How does she find the time to cook from scratch for 8 kids? But the bigger question is how the hell can they afford it? TobyJoe and I have trouble paying for the three of us to eat all organic. But ten?

Having never seen the show, maybe they’re messier than they interview?

Either way, I want my own a reality TV show. The one where they reveal how hairy my armpits and legs must get before I decide it’s time to shave them. Or how much baby spit up has to acquire on each shoulder before I retire that shirt. I want a reality TV show to enter my home and record the fact that we continue to sleep on the bed sheets even after the baby pees on them. I want a reality TV show to capture moments like the time an entire bottle of (organic!) formula spilled on the bedspread and my leg at 5 AM and I wasn’t sure if it was pee or not and decided to get a slumbering Toby’s opinion and figured a simple yet direct, “SMELL THE PANT LEG. COME ON! SMELL THE PANT LEG.” would suffice. They’d be amazed at what I’ve ingested in 30 seconds. They’d be amazed at how quickly I can be in and out of the bathroom. They’d be amazed where pee pee diapers end up around house before they’re finally tossed. Because the reality for me is taking care of one child takes time and a whole lot of energy. Gimme 8 kids and the ACS would be at my door in no time.

It’s a good thing there are shows like Friday Night Lights. While it may be fiction, the inside of Tami Taylor’s house, is a whole hell of a lot closer to reality when it comes to how our apartment looks.

Perhaps if I spent less time in front of the TV I’d have more time to cook organic meals for my family. Point taken, Conscience.


  1. I love the Jon and Kate show. It definitely shows some ugly bumps, but with editing it never seems as tough as it must be in reality. There was an entire episode about how Kate grocery shops on a tiny budget. One showed the logistics of organizing the garage.

    Thanks for talking about REAL reality.

    And WTF is up with the Tyra/Landry story line on FNL?


  2. Oh, holy crap! I know. I haven’t the slightest clue as to what’s up with that storyline! Why? They trying to get rid of them? It’s shocking to say the least. Are we certain that guy is dead?


  3. Holy smokes – I saw that family on ellen too and thought ‘yikes’. And then I thought ‘yikes’ some more. What do they drive? A school bus? And when she said she might like to adopt one more in the future… ‘yikes!’


  4. Whoa, I didn’t know she wanted to adopt another! Okay, she isn’t normal.

    I thought that FNL always did such a good job of staying away from melodrama until that storyline. But I’ll still stick through and see what happens. Good idea to hold out hope that he’s not dead.


  5. You are right about that, they have avoided all that shark jumping.

    I read recently that they are all but canceled, however. And they were given one more season to prove ratings. (An aside, how come all the awesome shows get canceled? This show rules. So well written.) I wonder if they are desperate? It seemed like a desperate plotline.


  6. On a similar note, I have a coworker with seven kids, five dogs, two cats, and a few horses. She’s the calmest person at the office and manages her life with ease and finesse.

    Last December, I had a staff party at my house. She drove 40 minutes in an ice storm by her 8-months-pregnant self. She hobbled out of her van and across the icy street with a fresh homemade lasagna in each hand. I could barely vacuum the house and rustle up enough napkins for everyone in time for the party… and I don’t have any kids.

    I’m beginning to think there’s a direct correlation between the number of children you have and productivity.


  7. There is a family that belongs to the same pool that we do that has five boys all under the age of six. She found out she was pregnant with twins when the third one was 4 months old. She is always perfectly put together. Nails done. Hair perfect. She even wears a two piece swimsuit and can totally pull it off(It is high on the belly at least)! I don’t have any idea how she does it. I can’t get it together with two. People like that amaze me. My only hope is that they have lots of hidden help that they don’t bring to the pool:)


  8. Oh my gosh, this struck so close to home for me. My daughter was born July 24th, two weeks before Emory, and our house has never looked the same. We continue sleeping on sheets she has spit up on in the middle of the night. I find used pee pee diapers in various places, including our bed, int eh kitchen, under the pack n play…I’m glad to know we’re not the only ones that don’t have our acts together yet. :)

    Please don’t compare yourself to the Gosselin family, either. They have a lot of help. I’m sure her legs are rarely shaved.


  9. Ah, yes, the Pack ‘n Play. We’ve found them there as well. You know, I change anything Emory is on if there’s spit up or pee. Why? He’s the one who peed on it. He’s the one who threw up on it, but noooooooooo Emory gets a clean set of sheets. His mother and father do not. Priorities. Kid always comes first. I have been guilty of wiping off spit up from his clothing late at night, however. And if we didn’t have a washer in the apartment, I would probably even be more lax about this whole clean up business.

    We barely get our acts together and then he enters another phase. That’s the way things go, I suppose.


  10. Yeah, Kate of John and Kate has her moments, as you might imagine. She’s so real and normal, it’s great. One day she even showed the cameras (most of) her belly. That’s courage. But she did pick up one of the babies from a nap to find her coated in shit, so, it happens to the best-manicured.


  11. I have gotten sucked into that show on more than one occasion and have a lot to say about it that I won’t put here (mostly about how reality tv is made). However I will say, despite their weird and probably manufactured perfection, they have worked as excellent birth control for Lex and I, especially since twins run in our family.


  12. corie, your comment made me laugh out loud.


  13. How could you not love Ellen, she’s seems so kind and big-hearted. Did you see the dog episode? Owie.

    I’m sitting here still in my pajamas, haven’t had a shower in two days, cranky, tired, etc. looking at my messy living room and nodding my head at this post. :D


  14. Amanda, that episode… the dog bit…. oh holy shit. I was crying. I told TJ about it as well. So sad.


  15. I must have missed the episode with the dog. What happened?


  16. LMAO! Oh my god you are so funny! And by the way I love Ellen also. She’s whimsical and lighthearted, just like you. Must be why you like her. I often wonder the same thing, I mean about how people really are behind closed doors. It’s like we all put up this “front”, and try so hard to project this enigmatic version of what we want people to think we are like. But behind the scenes is so different. I really think that if anyone I knew, knew about some of the nasty habits I had, they would be totally repulsed. Which makes me wonder what kind of dirty habits of their own they are hiding. Some of the things I do are so un-ladylike, I pray to god that no one ever sees me doing these them, so it’s refreshing to know that I am not alone in my actions.

    I think you would make a great prospect for a reality show. I would definitely watch it


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