People tell me that breastfeeding is really important. It’s nutritional for the baby. It helps build mommy-baby bonds. Plus, it’s cheaper. All of those reasons sound good and awesome but the main reason I want to do it is because it’s apparently a surefire way to lose weight. The thing is, I also heard that a lot of new moms have trouble getting the baby to nurse. So, if the baby won’t take my nipple, I have come up with another plan.
“I’d do it myself but my boobs don’t reach that far.”
“Yes, they do.”
“Well, that would hurt. So you’re going to have to do it.”
“Yeah, like I’m going to drink milk from you.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t drink while you’re breastfeeding.”
“We should get lactating women really tanked and then serve their milk in bars mixed in a cocktail. Everyone’s happy.”
“What will we call it?”