I Was So Much Older Then. I'm Younger Than That Now.

As I stood in front of our bathroom mirror readying myself for a much needed shower, I realized that my ass had grown. Then I turned sideways and realized that my belly had doubled in size compared to what it was just three weeks ago. And my boobs? My boobs are ridiculously stupid looking. They belong in a freak show. I can’t look at them for very long. I’m afraid I’ll go blind without the proper eyewear.

Overall, I look like one of those toys I had as a kid, the ones that came in a clear plastic package. They looked like small, brightly colored erasers. I had a turtle and a alligator at one point. When you submerged in water – a sink, whatever – a few hours later they grew to be like 10 times their original size. (Do they still make those things? I have no idea what they were called but I loved them. I loved their final state: big and floppy, plump and slimy much like the way I feel today. I would make an excellent mold for round two, the adult version.)

And that tattoo I got when I was 18 is now twice its original size. You know, the one that my father once pointed to and said, “You do realize that when you get pregnant, that pretty little design is going to turn into a giant flower garden, right?”

To which I replied, “Dad, gross, I’m never, ever going to have kids. Pregnancy is for wankers.”

And the piercing I have above my bellybutton, the one that I used to play with merrily, show off when I was swimming, wear with pride, is now screaming to hold it all together. It looks down at the tattoo as if to say, “Dude, hang in there, this can’t possibly get any worse.”

Oh, but it can little bellybutton ring. It can.

I worry that my husband is going to start asking we keep the lights low after all. The same husband who bitches and moans at me daily because I force him to live in the dark. (I don’t like bright lights unless it’s sunshine. Otherwise, it’s just candlelight and 40 watt bulbs and they can’t be overhead.) When he arrives home from work at the end of the day the first thing he does is flip on every light in the house and it’s kind of cute.

My midsection is not.

Had I known all of this – all of this good stuff that takes place when you grow the hell up – I would have done things a little differently. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time drinking and eating poorly, consequently gaining weight, and therefore beating the hell out of my body. I wouldn’t have ignored my ass for so long. And I certainly wouldn’t have gotten that bloody tattoo around my bellybutton.

Had I known. Had I known.

Let’s just say that I would have done things a little differently.

Edited to add: Wow, this was one of my most charming posts to date. I’m sorry, Internet. It’s now another day and I’m feeling a little better. But I haven’t actually showered yet.


  1. Even after two pregnancies I am still amazed at how my body changed as the I went through the nine months each time. It is quite shocking and beautiful at the same time.


  2. I laughed out loud on that one.

    Tien, you’ll go blind and I’ll never forgive myself. Imagine walking around Greenpoint without your eye site, tripping over the local drunks, getting hit by track bikes.


  3. I am sure you’re gorgeous. Just wait til you fill out even more! You’ll be one hot voluptuous mama!

    How are the kitties?


  4. Schmitty is having oral surgery tomorrow assuming his ticker is OK, which was tested yesterday. He has a heart issue. :[ We’ll see.

    The others? Totally fine. Pookum has an ear infection but she’s ok. We administer drops.

    Tucker is annoying as usual, bless his heart.


  5. It’s probably a good thing you got all that infant practice with Tucker. Now you’ll be sure to never leave the baby in the fridge. :)

    Good luck to Schmitty. Scritches to the others. And a pat on the head to the bun in yer oven. :)


  6. Did you see Studio 60 last night by any chance? You just reminded me of it.

    “Now we’ll know never to put the baby’s head in the guillotine.”


  7. Actually, I liked the line AFTER that, which was something along the lnes of “But we already KNEW ‘not to put the baby’s head in the guillotine’…….right?”

    And here’s some Beckham news to cheer up your day [he’s actually playing WELL :D:D]



  8. Can I tell you helpfully that I was bemoaning how pregnancy wrecked me last night? My boobs are all deflated from beast feeding, but the skin is still there and I am poochy from stem to stem.

    It is worth it though, even when they are little fuckers. Can I swear on here? :-)


  9. Swear away, sweetheart.


Leave a Reply Cancel reply