We watched Freedomland last night. It’s another movie where Julianne Moore loses her mind and acts like a hysterical female. As I watched this last night, it occurred to me, yet again, that no other actress pulls off the crazy quite as well as Julianne Moore. Her plethora of crazy scenes immediately came flooding back to me. In Short Cuts, she stands in the middle of the room pant-less and panty-les and argues with her husband (Matthew Modine). She played a sexy, single mother cokehead. The scene on the bed with Heather Graham still makes me cringe. (Seriously, I’ve seen crazier people NOT laugh that well.) There’s the cake-baking scene between her and her son in The Hours where the viewer can just tell that she’s about to lose it. You’re just not sure when. After realizing her cake is less than perfect she checks into a hotel room and suddenly Jimmy Webb’s lyrics begin to make sense. Then, there’s Safe. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t still haunted by Safe. I think I will always be haunted by Safe. What a horribly UNHAPPY film. (Seriously, if you’re looking for that extra push toward that anti-depressant prescription start by watching Safe.) Safe made me feel entirely too uncomfortable. I watched the entire film with the same look on my face. (What the f uh?) Her inability with breathing the air around her is my inability to trust food. I have a huge weak spot in my mental foundation. Then, there’s that really uncomfortable scene in Magnolia, which takes place in a pharmacy.

Fuck you, too. Don’t call me “lady”. I come in here, I give these things to you, you check, you make your phone calls, look suspicious, ask questions. I’m sick. I have sickness all around me and you fucking ask me about my life? “What’s wrong?” Have you seen death in your bed? In your house? Where’s your fucking decency? And then I’m asked fucking questions. What’s… wrong? You suck my dick. That’s what’s wrong. And you, you fucking call me “lady”? Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on both of you.

She wasn’t too crazy in The Big Lebowski but if it had been longer (oh and I wish it had!), I bet Maude would have freaked out a few times. She had to tone it down a bit for Hannibal. But had she let it go, Hannibal would have looked more like Gandhi. It’s not that Anthony Hopkins isn’t a brilliant actor, it’s that Julianne Moore is that good at crazy. For example, she was in the remake of Psycho, which I haven’t seen, but it’s called Psycho. Need I say more?

I haven’t seen all of the movies on her list but I bet there’s more crazy. And one must wonder if she makes them crazier than the script calls for or if they say “We need Julianne Moore to play this crazy female. We need real crazy, none of that fake shit.”

We sat behind Ms. Moore once at a movie. But she wasn’t at all crazy in person. In fact, she was perfectly normal and sweet and lovely. Still, Julianne Moore plays crazy better than crazy plays crazy. She forever wins the Oscar for crazy. She is ruler of Crazyland, Hollywood.