Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby.

I received an email from someone yesterday that had me thinking. I know them personally but I won’t say who wrote it. In fact, I’d like to keep most of this post as private (for everyone) as possible. They posed a question that I thought might be interesting to post here. They asked me how many times per month I think most couples have sex. I thought about this for a while and then answered them. Granted, you can’t put a number on everyone. I realize this. But it did make me think.

So, I figured I’d put that question up here as well. Now, I don’t want anyone to use his or her real names. (Please, especially since I know some of you personally and I wouldn’t feel right about asking you this on line, in person, maybe. But not on line.) I also know that some of you might think that we’ll try and hunt you down by way of an IP address. All I can say to that concern is that you have my word that I will not do this. I will keep this entirely anonymous. I promise. If you haven’t ever believed anything I’ve ever said before, believe this. In another life, I would have loved to have been some type of sex therapist (especially for women). I will stand by my word.

So, how often do you have sex? How often do you think other couples have sex?

(If anyone actually answers this question, I, too, will chime in under a fake name. Ultimately, I am hoping that this post opens up a constructive dialogue.)

154 Comments

  1. “Don’t get me started. Don’t EVEN get me started.”

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  2. as little as i can……i don’t know why, i just don’t seem to have much interest in it any more but if i do, it’s at the oddest times and most impossible locations. then the feeling fades by the time i get somewhere conducive for the act, at that point i’ve lost it???!? my girlfriend of almost 2 years has to beg for it(now that’s sorta fun hehehe)! it’s like i give it up just enough to make her happy…….and that makes me happy enough because of her relief. i don’t feel the need for it and in that, there doesn’t seem to be a problem. there are people who need it and want it and don’t get it as much as they’d like, that’s a problem!……but that just doesn’t seem to be me, i can get it any time i want and i just don’t care…….that’s a problem for her.

    did i say that out loud? luckily, i erased my name above and typed in someone else’s name : )

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  3. Tobyjoe, you’re weird.

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  4. Oops. “no name”, i took out your name thinking you had made a mistake. Now, I’m realizing that you may have meant it as a joke and you wanted to use your real name.

    If you want me to set it back, I will do so. Just let me know.

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  5. Yeah, like the no-paragraph-break writing style doesn’t give THAT one away ;)

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  6. well, it was a serious joke
    : )

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  7. twice per month. married.

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  8. i forgot to write in the above…..2 times a month +/-……

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  9. finally!
    something i can talk about.
    two times a month?!
    this subject came up the other night while i was in bed trying to fall asleep, unsuccessfully, due to my neigbhours having monkey sex, for the second time that day!
    this was around 11pm. they woke me up again at 4am.
    i said to the man next to me, ‘how often do you think couples have sex?’
    he said ‘i dont know, what do you think is normal?’
    ‘well, i should think more than once a night. especially if one party is taking off for three months the next morning.’
    he did not agree but it worked.

    this is such a loaded question with a bunch of random variables that are going to throw everyones answer off. but i am so eager to see what you all have to say.
    i guess im not qualified to even participate, seeing as how im not in a relationship. but, praise allah, still manage to have pretty regular sex. at least more than twice a month. im not nice to be around when its that sparse on the ground.
    sorry. i meant no offence to mister or miss two times a month. im sure your sex life is much more satisfying than mine.
    peace.

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  10. sexpot, even if you’re not in a regular relationship, how often? I take it more than 2 a month, then? lucky sexpot!

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  11. Tomorrow, let’s discuss masturbation. I will blow all y’all out of the water with that one.

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  12. Married, it tends to be about 5 times a week. That’s usually over 2 days though. Saturdays and Sundays are usually when we have the time and the urge.

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  13. sex usually coincides with Sat. or Sun. morning, and almost never at night, so i’m going to go with 4, six if we’re feeling extra crazy.

    and i’m married, for the record.

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  14. def. more than twice month.
    you wanna be my therapist?
    i think you did a pretty good job the other day.
    because i really like sex, some people might not or just wont admit to liking it, i make it a priority to average at least a couple times a week.
    and thats not easy when you dont live with the person/s.
    i find it more than ironic that i have sex more frequently now that i dont live with someone.
    masturbation? eh, its alright.
    just not the same. obviously.
    i guess this puts me in the same class as ann ‘horseface’ coulter.
    a voracious predator. natch.

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  15. good god!

    5 times a week????

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  16. Texas pete, my thoughts exactly.

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  17. i bet you guys would have sex more if you made regular trips to that resort that advertises on tv with the giant martini glass hot tubs in the rooms

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  18. It must be hard working out a sexual schedule with a night person if you happen to be a morning person and vice-versa. Not to mention the fact that a lot of people just want to fall down dead after working all day at an office he or she doesn’t really enjoy being at.

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  19. i think its a champagne glass.

    and i’m trying to book a room there right this second.

    on a side note, does anyone remember beautiful Mt. Airy Lodge??

    I soooo wanted to go there when I was a kid. Heart shaped swimming pool in room. Awesome.

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  20. Does that really seem like alot?

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  21. well, my morning sex kind of came about by necessity. actually the other person HATED morning sex. but when there’s no other time… you make due. they don’t seem to mind it any longer.

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  22. Texas pete, we booked a room at a hotel on our wedding night in Niagara falls in hopes of having a heart shaped bed. TO NO AVAIL! LIES ALL LIES! We did have a great veiw, however, and a hot tub.

    Heart shaped swimming pool? Reminds me of Dumb and Dumber. Remember that scene?

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  23. i think it may have actually been a hot tub, but my memory from childhood thinks it was a swimming pool. either way, my parents never took us there. damn it.

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  24. mihow, since you brought up wedding nights, mind if I add a dimension to this conversation?

    who actually had sex on their wedding night?

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  25. We did not have sex on our wedding night. We had sex the night before but not on our wedding night.

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  26. isn’t the place with the glass hot tub the beautiful mout airy lodge where, all you have to bring is your love for everything?

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  27. i LOVE morning sex but never have it, sad.. i’ll pick up from there in tomorrows masturbation discussion… night sex always happens, with the lights off, nearly as often as we see each other. i find it alarming that my guy doesn’t want it as much as i do, i have books and toys but seems like only one willing participant.. that is not an invitation.

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  28. i’m a morning guy and she’s an evening gal….never seems to work out…..masterbation seems to kill my sex drive!

    mount airy lodge was torn down a few years back. i went to a wedding there 7 years ago. they had a nice ceremony outside by the lake with the hotel to our backs, luckily…..people decided to watch from their balconies….even in their underwear! we’ve got pictures!

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  29. five times per week sounds like a good goal. it’s the way things go from the beginning, until one person gets sick of the other one.

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  30. my wisdom gleaned over the years:

    ladies, if your guy doesn’t want to shag you every night, its for one of two reasons: a_ you got fat; b_ you’re boring him ( not with sex, but in general)

    men, if your woman doesn’t want to ride you every night, its for one of two reasons: a_ she’s cheating on you; b_ her sex drive is off because she’s taking too many/too little anti-depressants

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  31. Sometimes it’s 4 times in a day and others it’s nada for weeks. It’s absolutely fantastic though. Afternoons are the best!

    What I want to know is does anyone dress up? I find it a bit silly, but whatever floats your boat…

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  32. there’s a theory ….. put a dime in a bottle every time you have sex before marriage and once married, take a dime out of the bottle……supposedly, you’ll never empty the bottle. god i hope not…..i’m just pacing myself. plus withholding sex while flirting with her is so much more fun…..my perversion is more mental and less physical.

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  33. i don’t know… personally, marriage didn’t change much sexually for us. but we were living together for three years before the actual wedding date. so i guess the frame of mind has been the same for a while.

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  34. Miss Kitty, we impliment toys constantly.

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  35. I, personally, want to hear more about the dressing up stuff. Details! Details people!

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  36. The above link is not totally safe for work, folks. But do go there.

    Or here (which is totally classy and ok for work if you’re not working in a really super duper corporate environment.

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  37. Don’t care much for the dressing up, but toys are a different story.

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  38. Best conversation ever. It’s like the Kinsey Institute up in here today.

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  39. Someone needs the Jeff Stryker model.

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  40. > It’s like the Kinsey Institute up in here today.

    does that mean that everyone is going to go half-gay, swap partners, and contemplate suicide during a deep depression?

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  41. Been there, done that.

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  42. Dude, to the person who thinks masturbation kills his or her sex drive, why not let your significant other masturbate you? Everyone goes home happy!

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  43. as for dressing up;
    once had a boyf who insisted on a dog collar.
    and no, jonathan, it wasnt a comment on my appearance.;)

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  44. Dressing up, toys, whatever it takes. I think I’m into almost everything.

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  45. sexpot-
    ah, the dog collar. that means he enjoyed degraded you either from fear or a total lack of respect. did you break up beacuase he was a pussy or you realized that he hated you ?

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  46. To answer the question with some decorum and without the need for anonymity: Not quite as often as we could, but certainly enough to keep us happy.

    The thing about this question is that one generally assumes that number of times a couple has sex is a key metric for that couple’s happiness. But what exactly are we measuring? Moments in a couple’s romantic life when there is a meaningful connection, or simply the satisfaction of some glandular urge?

    So as an ancillary question to this, I’d ask how important is sex in your life and your relationships (or maybe that IS the question)? Just as some have already observed: the importance varies.

    It’s all relative. I wouldn’t trade the marriage I have now for the relationship I had with my wife when we started living together 16 years ago.

    OK, maybe I’d trade it for a weekend.

    But we have demanding jobs, three kids, and a lot going on in our lives.

    The challenge of all relationships is finding new and satisfying ways to provide a meaningful connection that satisfies our fundamental needs to feel loved and appreciated and to express our love to our partners. It’s a vocabularly that has to grow over time, and if it doesn’t, then couples invariably “grow apart.”

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  47. Jonathan, you’ve been very vocal and judgemental, but I don’t see you posting a number or talking about your sex life.

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  48. Or it means he liked certain cultural clichés, found the campiness to provide a safe, yet exciting place, etc – any number of possibilities.

    You’re a poorly qualified analyst, Jon.

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  49. Jon, you are so off on that one it’s unbelievable. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, don’t say anything at all. ESPECIALLY if it’s about sex. Please, dude. Come on.

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  50. People, if you can, just ignore what jon has to say. If you want to wear a dog collar, wear a freaking dog collar. That does not mean that your boyfriend hates you nor does that make you a dog. As long as the dog collar isn’t on an actual dog, there ain’t nothing wrong.

    I feel badly for jon and his closed-mindedness.

    Toys freaking rule. All of them.

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  51. Charlie – I agree that intimacy in general is the most important factor, and that without it, all those dimes in Greg’s jar end up paying for a divorce lawyer. Intimacy is the only variable that shifts a relationship from friends to lovers. It comes in myriad forms, and all too often, only one is given any weight. Almost as often, when one isn’t present, none are.

    I blame the gays, of course.

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  52. Charlie, for me I do kind of feel like it’s a measure of sorts. The quality of our sex can be directly related to the quality of our relationship. I’ve noticed we had issues by the offness of our sex. Maybe it seems wierd, but that seems to be the way we work.

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  53. Anon, well put. Really well put.

    But we don’t yet have kids.

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  54. Did you know that white wax is best (if you dig that sort of thing) because it burns at a lower temp? Wax lovers: use white. It won’t leave marks. Just thought I’d share.

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  55. There are special low-temp waxes, as well. Check Babeland.

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  56. Well, when the quality of our sex life changed and was unsatisfying, we did what any two overeducated eggheads would do: we studied it. Understanding the dynamics in your relationship and differing needs for intimacy, sex, etc. is the key.

    There is a direct relationship: and for some people if there is an icompatibility or inconsistency with their sexual needs and what’s going on in their lives, then something’s gotta change: your expectations or your partner.

    But I would say that what HAS replaced all the sex we had when we were younger is sharing our love for our children and the joys of parenthood. Building a family and a home and sharing them (and talking about them) are new, additional ways in which we connect.

    (and just between us, I have always found that if I want a little action before she goes to sleep, all i have to do is get her talking about something funny that the kids did recently and I’m golden—shhh, don’t tell).

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  57. Unless you like the marks. I’m just saying.

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  58. jonathan-
    i wish i could say i was surprised by your response.
    thanks for being so reliable.

    id like to think you werent completely serious.
    why you so angry jonny?

    baby, maybe you need a little dog collar action.

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  59. Well, when the quality of our sex life changed and was unsatisfying, we did what any two overeducated eggheads would do: we studied it. Understanding the dynamics in your relationship and differing needs for intimacy, sex, etc. is the key.

    There is a direct relationship: and for some people if there is an icompatibility or inconsistency with their sexual needs and what’s going on in their lives, then something’s gotta change: your expectations or your partner.

    But I would say that what HAS replaced all the sex we had when we were younger is sharing our love for our children and the joys of parenthood. Building a family and a home and sharing them (and talking about them) are new, additional ways in which we connect.

    (and just between us, I have always found that if I want a little action before she goes to sleep, all i have to do is get her talking about something funny that the kids did recently and I’m golden).

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  60. Jonny’s castration is showing.

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  61. whoah … double post? Weird. Musta been that refresh.

    nothing like doing it twice ;)

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  62. … a little dog collar action or to be strung up in one of those bondage swings while someone blares NIN and cracks a whip on his white wax covered ass.

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  63. Ruth – now you’re talking!

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  64. (though Jon is not in the scene I’m imagining!)

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  65. don’t blame the gays.

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  66. If we don’t blame them, the terrorists win.

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  67. no, no… that’s only if we let them get married.

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  68. Alright, gents, what’s up with your prostate? Is it indeed true that you like to have them touched?

    (No need for real names, folks.)

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  69. Anne, baby! Howyadoon?

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  70. my ass still hurts a little from last night… but I’ve got some gold bond on it.

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  71. I just laughed out loud.

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  72. “Is it indeed true that you like to have them touched?”

    Given the right context and technique, yes. But the prostate is just one of the erogenous points in that area.

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  73. Gold Bond? How about some Boudreaux’s Butt Paste?

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  74. Now we’re talkin!

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  75. i ran out of that. got any extra?

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  76. I just bought the company.

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  77. “what’s up with your prostate?”

    never tried but always wanted to. scared most girlfriends woudlnt be into it.

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  78. it’s cool …….unfortunately, my doctor said i couldn’t smoke in the exam room! why?

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  79. To add to the earlier post – I’m talking about fantasy play. How about a nurse? Or the so over done Catholic school girl? Cow girl?

    Prostates? Girls must need a lesson in that one because it is a total hot spot if you do it right.

    Me thinks this conversation is one of the hottest of all time on Mihow.com

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  80. My partner and I used to have sex multiple times weekly, but lately we’ve been in a funk.

    Two weekends ago was the first time in two and a half months. It was GREAT, but that’s good for me for a bit.

    I hope that some time soon we’ll be able to be a little more ‘normal’.

    I figure most couples have sex every other day.

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  81. Right now my boyfriend lives in another state. We see each other one weekend a month (usually about 2 1/2 days). When we’re together, we typically have sex about 5-6 times.

    So technically we only have sex 6 times a month. But we fill in the rest of the month with phone sex – typically twice a week.

    I can only imagine how awesome it must be to live with the person you’re sleeping with. I’m jealous of everyone who get to enjoy those benefits.

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  82. Do you think the lack of a having sex can be attributed to a lack of fulfillment that comes from your working life or your life in general? Do you think it’s work for some people?

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  83. a- it was half a joke in response to her joke
    b- it was half in context and serious.

    its not her husband/long term lover. its not like he said “hey, could we try this?” or she said “i’d like to try”, or “i’d enjoy it if you”. there’s nothing wrong with a little dog collar now and then. who here hasn’t tried that, with a loving partner or even with a stranger?

    But in her words he insisted on it—and that’s what is fucked up.

    people tend to insist on turning the other person into a submissive from fear or hatred – thats basic college psych. (unless you want to go into the discussion that maybe he wasn’t into domination, but wanted to fetishize her as an animal )

    anyways, if she said “he wanted me to try a dog collar”, “he liked it when i” , “occasionally we enjoy a little ‘walking the dog’ wink wink” , or “we’d take turns wearing dog collars” i would not have had that repsonse.

    and if he enjoyed it and didn’t insist, i’d wager that he’d be the kind of person that she’d be in a long term relationship with, and still be with him.

    but someone insisting that the other person is submissive isn’t the sign of a healthy relationship, and is a pretty obvious sign that there’s something important that needs to be addressed.

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  84. Wow, LaFawnduh, I’m sorry to hear about the distance. :/ But, 5/6 times a month is more than most people have who live together. Not too shabby!

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  85. I think amount and quality of sex is for sure related to quality of relationship in our case.

    We lived apart for almost five years, and I think we grew differently when we were apart. I think we’re just trying to learn to live together again.

    You would think we’d be like bunnies, but we’re not.

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  86. but someone insisting that the other person is submissive isn’t the sign of a healthy relationship, and is a pretty obvious sign that there’s something important that needs to be addressed.

    A healthy relationship? What are you basing this on? What is considered a “healthy relationship”? Is it safe to say that people who feel good about their relationship and are honest about how they feel sexually and don’t step out, and who DO use a dog collar, can be considered healthy? Does a “healthy relationship” mean christian, no sex out of wedlock, missionary position, go to bed every night at 11?

    You’re throwing around these terms that seem totally based on your own personal definition, a definition that varies for every single person. A healthy relationship is relative and therefore you statement is totally flawed.

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  87. “Do you think the lack of a having sex can be attributed to a lack of fulfillment that comes from your working life or your life in general? Do you think it’s work for some people?”

    For some people, something is always true.

    Is that healthy? Probably not, by my standards.

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  88. For some people, something is always true.

    So well put.

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  89. What about when people lose some of their attraction to their partner?

    Has anyone had that happen? How did you remedy it?

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  90. add some spice, take a break, or break it off.

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  91. okay. all kidding aside.
    it was a long term relationship. (another relative term)
    and he had to insist initially because i had the same reservations about it based on the same type of things jonathan is talking about.
    but like they say, dont knock it til youve tried it. after that it was fun.
    there was no dom/sub thing involved, he just thought it looked sexy, for whatever reason. he didnt fear me or hate me. that i know of. (and for the record, fear due to unfamiliar situations or styles can go a long way to enhancing arousal, at least in my experience). you all probably think im some knackered old hag at this point
    we were playing with stereotypes i guess. we were kids and we thought it was hot.
    if youre reading that carefully jon, youd notice there was no lead(leash) attached. something i dont think i could ever submit;) to.
    then he and i would have had a serious problem and a guy like you probably wouldve have said i was ‘asking for it.’
    go ahead jon, let me have it.
    xxoo

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  92. Yeah, I’d agree. Adding spice (ie. buying toys or role-playing) can help. Or is it a physical thing? Do you find the person isn’t as attractive anymore?

    That leads me to another question, is it OK for someone to tell their loved one that they need to lose weight/gain weight or change in some way?

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  93. i don’t think frequency equates attraction or health of relationship necessarily. over the years, we’ve certainly gone through funks and rough patches where there’s less connection and therefore less sex, but there’s also times where things are great and we aren’t having sex for other reasons, like there isn’t the opportunity or time we’d like and falling into bed after our long days and cuddling ourselves to sleep is all we want to do. but during those times, we usually talk about how much we’d like to be having sex with one another… which kind of is almost as good.

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  94. ruthless-
    a healthy relationship is when both people respect one another and there is equal weight between both partners. thats a pretty standard definition. i’m not making that up.

    it has nothing to do with christianity , wedlock or anything of the sort – those are qualitative moral values that people can elect to subscribe to and have nothing to do with the relationship between themself and any other person.

    you’re the one who is throwing around terms and (re)defining terms as you see fit.

    sexpot-
    so he insisted that you try it, and then you both enjoyed it and did it more often without him insisting? well thats completely different.

    the first post read “he wouldn’t do it with me unless i wore a collar”. your update reads “he wanted to try the collar thing, i caved in, turns out we both loved it.” thats a big difference.

    you should try the leash thing. both ways.

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  95. Mihow: My partner IS attractive, I just don’t feel like having sex with them as much as they want to have sex with me. Role playing? I don’t know why but I just feel embarrased when I think of myself in that situation. NOT THAT I THINK THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG AT ALL. Whatever floats your boat.

    As for requesting weight loss, I think it’s important that the person be healthy. If it’s a health issue, I think a concern should be stated.

    Texas Pete: I guess I was just hoping for someone to reassure me that going through funks is normal. I have this ideal concept in my mind, and we’re not maintaining it right now primarily because I don’t want too. All in good time I hope. I’m in this one for the long haul… just figure I’m riding this one out.

    Thank you for reassuring me.

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  96. if you love someone and you’re worried about their weight, i think you’re required to tell them

    adding weight isn’t just a looks thing, its a health thing. same thing with losing weight . too skinny / too fat – they both look band and are bad for the body.

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  97. “What about when people lose some of their attraction to their partner?”

    That hasn’t happened to me exactly, but from time to time my sex drive has decreased, especially during breastfeeding, which is normal. To remedy that we have ‘scheduled sex’ (our date) every Saturday night, no matter what. If we’ve been busy or exhausted all week, we know we have our date to look forward to. It helps me to get in the right mindset when the hormones aren’t cooperating & we look forward to the intimacy.

    I know that the less I have sex, the less I want it, so scheduling helps me keep my libido in shape. I’m sure it sounds boring to some, but it totally works for us. The goal is to do it more often, but with kids & jobs I’m grateful to have my sure thing.

    Really enjoying this conversation

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  98. As for dressing up, I like my girls to wear braids. Makes them look young. For some reason it’s not legal with 12 year-olds, so I have to go this route.

    Or Asians…. they look young, too.

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  99. i think the whole “losing attraction” thing is really dependent upon what the relationship is based on, and what the attraction was/is with that person. damn that’s a hard question.

    i mean, if it was a physical attraction that was lost and that’s all there was, then I don’t think a relationship recovers from that loss.

    in a more complex relationship, where one of the many attraction starts to fade, I think that if you try to reconnect with and reevaluate those things you initially were attracted to, then things will work out over time. but both partners have to be equally involved and communication is a necessity.

    in my humble opinion.

    this question makes me think of eternal sunshine for the spotless mind.

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  100. Oh, not enough, going through funks is totally normal. I am sorry that my post didn’t specify that. Holy crap, it’s absolutely normal. Forgive me for coming off as uncaring. (Lord knows, we have had our times of total dry spells. It happens. it’s totally normal.)

    My asking that was totally unrelated to what you wrote and more so something I was thinking about as far as losing attraction for someone you love. What I failed to mention was is it OK to ask someone to change or is it better to deal with it and hope that you won’t find you’re attractive to someone else and really hurt that person’s feelings.

    None of this is personal, btw. So sorry, Not enough.

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  101. Yeah, I don’t want to erase my partner from my memory. That was an insane movie by the way… My partner is amazing and I’d never want to do that. No way!

    I know that our relationship is based on a solid friendship and that is why it’s so hard not to feel as attracted to them as I once was.

    We are riding out some other problems, and obviously our lack of physical relationship could be related to that. I think that’s a pretty obvious jump.

    It has been almost 9.5 years, and it’s worth working on. I guess it’ll just take some time.

    Thanks again Texas Pete.

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  102. well, the telling your partner they need to change their physical appearance is a tough one.
    speaking from experience, id rather know. it pisses me off because women give men much more leeway with this sort of thing.
    i can handle a beer gut or even some hair loss, that kinda thing just doesnt matter when youre attracted to someone. they change, you know? its inevitable.
    but as for weight gain/loss in women and how our men react to it? its the same story everytime.
    jonathan’s right on that one.
    or else im a shallow douchebag.
    but in my experience:
    weight gain = sex loss

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  103. Screw hurting feelings. If you can’t tell someone they’re getting lazy, out of shape, smelly, etc, without being a prick, you have lots of problems.

    Never would I not mention something like that. It’s choosing to be removed from your partner. It’s dumb.

    Addressing something like weight gain shouldn’t be justified by way of some stupid health argument, either. Unless you’re talking about a 30% gain, health won’t likely be impacted anyway. It’s a bullshit feel-good argument. It’s a lie. If fatty has too much junk in their trunk, say so, and say so for the real reasons.

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  104. Mihow: I totally understand your question wasn’t related to me directly. I was just giving my opinion in response to your question.

    No worries there.

    Damn internet and it’s lack of ‘tone’.

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  105. a healthy relationship is when both people respect one another and there is equal weight between both partners. thats a pretty standard definition. i’m not making that up.

    SO you’re saying that it’s impossible to respect someone and have them wear a dog collar while having sex? How can you say that? You don’t make any sense, Jon. You judge people based on something you yourself would never do. Yet you can’t understand why people don’t automatically see it your way. You have a very, very closed mind, imo.

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  106. <i>”Is it OK for someone to tell their loved one that they need to lose weight/gain weight or change in some way?”</i>

    I don’t necessarily think there’s right or wrong about telling someone else the truth about your thoughts, but I do think you have to be ready for the other person’s reaction.

    I had a partner who never straight out said that he thought I was fat, but there were indications that he didn’t think I was skinny enough. It had a huge impact on our sex life because suddenly I didn’t want him to see me naked.

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  107. not enough: i think you’ll be fine. do you talk with your partner about the differences in your sexual needs at this moment? granted, there’s nothing that kills the mood more than a nice frank conversation about your sex life, but when in it for the long haul it might take some of the pressure you’re putting on yourself about meeting an ideal. lots of peripheral things can cause dips in sex drive, it doesn’t have to be that you’re no longer attracted to the person…

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  108. I had a partner who never straight out said that he thought I was fat, but there were indications that he didn’t think I was skinny enough. It had a huge impact on our sex life because suddenly I didn’t want him to see me naked.

    OH, I totally know that feeling. If you yourself don’t feel attractive for whatever reason (maybe you see that your significant other prefers supermodel type girls) then having sex and feeling sexy can be really, really hard.

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  109. Texas Pete: We do talk, but it is painful because I know they want to MUCH more than I want to… I put more pressure on myself because I KNOW that they want more sex. Certainly doesn’t help. When they make even a remotely loving or touchy move on me, I immediately think “They want sex”, even though it has been expressed that it’s simply not the case. Ah yes, peripheral stress and pressure… good times.

    By the way, this is a fantastic discussion, Mihow. Could totally prevent me from doing any more work, but I gotta go.

    I’ll for sure keep tuning in.

    Thank you for your input. I feel much more reassured than when I initially stumbled along.

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  110. not enough, if they love you I am positive (from experience) that the last thing they want is to be having sex with you when they know you don’t want to be having it.

    try to trust a little that any loving gesture they make is not a carefully designed plot to get you in bed. I know its easier than it sounds.

    but the trust is everything.

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  111. Wow! 114 posts! I would have posted more, but Anne was naughty.

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  112. just to add to the weight thing:
    if you truly love someone, they’ve got to be seriously overweight for you too look at them and think weight is an issue. i’m not talking about a few pound overweight, i mean their BMI falls on the ‘morbidly obsese’ side of the spectrum.

    Dr Ruthless-

    Now i’m pissed off because you’re either a fucking idiot or a fucking asshole. The one you are depends on whether you’re illiterate or just trying to irritate me by alleging i said things that I never wrote.

    ””“SO you’re saying that it’s impossible to respect someone and have them wear a dog collar while having sex? ””“

    Not only did i never say that or anything like that, I said the exact opposite. I clearly stated that there was nothing wrong with using a dog collar and that the issue is when one person insists that the other person wear a dog collar.

    I dont care how you spin it or what you make up, when one person insists that the other person do something and does not repsect their feelings or concerns, the relationship is neither equal nor healthy by any definition.

    If you want the other person to wear a dog collar, who cares? If you want to wear the dog collar, who cares? If you want to dominate or be dominated by your partner, or take a shit on their chest and rub it in, who cares? As long as you’re both consenting and willing participants really, who cares?

    But if you insist that the other person wear a dog collar, or hold your hand, or be whatever part of your fantasy—you are neither valuing their feelings or respecting them as a person. You’re objectifying them and devaluing them.

    Now maybe in the span of some greater roleplay or sexgame you equally decide that someone gets to be in control , or you make a bet or do whatever, but essentially equally decide that one person is allowed to direct the course of action and gets their way. That’s not insisting – thats voluntarily assenting to the will of another, and giving implicit consent.

    Insist means that you’re making a demand – and when you demand that someone does something you’re not respecting them in any manner whatsoever. Some people might be fine with that. Perhaps you are?

    In any event, You’re the one who doesn’t make any sense, Dr. Ruthless. Feel free to have your opinions of me. IMO, you have a very very tiny mind, and in it you have no brains, just …..

    [ rage against ruthless redacted for the betterment of all ]

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  113. michele-
    i’m sorry for being so mean on your forum in that last post addressing dr. ruthless.

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  114. Jon: BMI is a piece of shit. I workout five days a week, eat VERY healthily and am still considered ‘morbidly obese’.

    Just my opinion. BMI is hardly something to base facts on. It’s works only for those with small body frames, and those who don’t put on muscle easily.

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  115. Forget dog collars. I am about to insist that someone wear a muzzle.

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  116. By the way mihow, fascinating topic here today!

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  117. Oooo! I hit a nerve! He’s all riled up! Yelling at people on the Internet. I’d like to say that some lucky lady out there is gonna have an awesome time in the sack tonight once Jon gets home, but we all know there is no lady.

    Jon, at this point, I’d absolutely insist that you wear a dog collar.

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  118. Hemlock- there are alternative BMI scales for people with different muclemass from the average population. your doctor or a nutriontist should be able to point you to the right one. there’s also a way to ‘electronically’ measure it. some scales have it now built in- it shoots a pulse of electricity in one foot and measures the delay on receiving it in the other.

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  119. We have one of those BMI scale things and it’s about as reliable as the L Train. Plus, the other day, I lost two pounds and my BMI shot up after showering.

    I dunno. Guess it’s sort of on, but not entirely. I pay little to no attention to the BMI Part anymore. Weight, I’m obsessed with.

    Another question, do you ever think of someone else while having sex?

    Uhoh.

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  120. Sometimes, I can’t orgasm unless I picture other people having sex. I have to be left out of the equation entirely.

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  121. Do you mean besides myself?

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  122. jon-
    uh oh.
    youre in trouble now.
    can i have your number?
    i think we can get down.
    it would do you a world of good.
    your lady will understand.
    i can get references. from people you may even know.
    please?

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  123. okay…….lets real it in a bit……………as i’ve found in relationships, there is no such thing as equality….and i mean perpetual equality where consensus is always reached in a happy perfect way. that just doesn’t happen, relationship talk all the way down to renting a movie. her wants and desires are never equal to my wants and desires, but she really likes sex(with me because she trusts me) but i’m getting fat with a bad back! she feeds me too damn much! anyhow…..i feel like a minority in the world of men, or at least in the perceived world of sex-crazed men. there are times i have sex with her because she just won’t shut up about it……and yes, at times i think of other people and yes i fake it too…..i’m asuming that’ll be your next question right.

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  124. Greg, you’re hysterical.

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  125. sexpot-
    michele will put us in touch. totes.

    michele-
    who doesn’t imagine their having sex with someone else every now and then? its fun, and when the lights are out and youre eyes are closed, it makes things very realistic.

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  126. I am in a marriage with perfect equality. She fakes orgasms and I fake interest in whatever the hell she is talking about.

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  127. hehehehe………i wasn’t kidding……i wish she would fake it once in a while so i wouldn’t have to stoop that low and do it myself. i’m so ashamed!

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  128. greg-
    you could try hasissue’s route
    have her wear some braids so she looks like she’s 12.
    and go the extra special route- buy her a giant lollipop and pay for a brazillian waxing.

    she’ll look so young you’ll keep checking the closets to see if someone from dateline nbc will pop out.

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  129. ha ha Greg! Good one…

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  130. unfortunately, i have a 70’s pornstar bush fetish…..that shaved crap makes me feel like a child molester. no bush = no bologna , and i stand firm on that one!

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  131. How do guys fake an orgasm?

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  132. Oh dear. Don’t be too graphic. (Well, graphic is OK, but nothing disgusting and lame.)

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  133. sexanon, I was wondering that myself…

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  134. i don’t know how to explain without being graphic

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  135. ok ok……well it’s an art actually…..somewhere between performance art and science fiction. the male body’s climax is one of simple states. ……….

    wiggle wiggle wiggle (mental pleasure) and then hello, a physical sensation builds rapidly and if the mental thought isn’t turned off(baseball) then it could be over. when those unfortunate times where the weather channel is more exciting than the act at hand, then all the guy has to do is let out a oh oh oh whooooaaaa….add to that some body shuddering convulsions and it’s over. it’s easy. all guys do it. i realise i’m letting you girls out there in on a huge secret, but i’m just trying to level with you. you haven’t cornered the market on fake orgasms or withholding sex for something…..we do it too and obviously better!!!!! hehehehehe…..us boys just have to get rid of the evidence…..we have our ways that i won’t discuss…. i can even fake the evidence (secret)…….. you girls better watch out and pay closer attention to your boys : )

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  136. If I don’t get it regular I become mean bitch of the week. I need/want it all the time! My husband and I have a many talk/crying sessions over it. He just doesn’t seem as interested. It’s not as important to him as it is to me. So the best I can get it 10 times a month, if I’m lucky.

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  137. > you haven’t cornered the market on fake orgasms or withholding sex for something…..we do it too and obviously better!!!!!

    this is the second time in a week that i’m agreeing with greg. scary.

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  138. I think greg should be more afraid that you agree with him.

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  139. Married for a few years with no kids… sex a few times a year. Neither of us really mind and we do talk about it. We’re deeply in love, just not that sexually motivated.

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  140. with kids, not a helluva lot. i’d be embarrassed to be more specific, honestly.

    i love reading someone talk about “10 times a month” being, like, FAMINE, though. HA!

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  141. i look at sex like i look at bar-b-que ribs……sure they taste good but i’d rather eat somethign else that isn’t so messy….. once in a while they’re a nice treat but i don’t go out of my way for them. give me some tools to eat with and i’m good to go! i’m sick like that.

    my being completely content with twice a month makes me wonder what others in the 2-3 times a week think about it. as in….i like the carnal feeling of it, i like the intimacy of it, i like the exercise, etc and what makes them the most angry about not getting it. help me understand.

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  142. relationship 2 years- once or twice a week… although in the beginning it was crazy (LOTS!!!) and he said we needed to get out and do other things
    :( It is still fantastic. I am hoping it will be more often when we live together! we are both pretty busy.

    I have no idea how often other people have sex….

    I find the longer I go without it I forget about it altogether and its not until I actually have sex again that I remember and want more- in an insatiable kind of way! Its all or nothing for me.

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  143. I find the longer I go without it I forget about it altogether and its not until I actually have sex again that I remember and want more- in an insatiable kind of way! Its all or nothing for me.

    A girl, I am very much the same.

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  144. Greg, I wonder, if you were to want it all the time and start to bug her about it, I wonder if she would still be all GIMME GIMME. You know what I mean? Does there always have to be one who wants it more than the other?

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  145. Okay time for the single person’s viewpoint – it’s been almost 11 months since I have had sex and there doesn’t seem to be much happening in the future. It’s hard to meet people?? Definitely if it’s not happening I can go longer without it. And I am happy not to resort to calling exes just to get it!

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  146. i don’t think the people who are having sex 2-3 times a week like sex for different reasons than I do, for the most part, i think its just one of those things and maybe a matter of circumstance. and preference.

    i used to want sex a lot more than I do now. so over the years my personal sex drive has changed. however, I would say with some confidence that our frequency as a couple has remained static (if not increased by once or twice a mo.) over that period. what we get out of it has never changed.

    if i had met someone four years ago who liked to get freaky 5 times a week, who knows… maybe i’d still be doing it 5 times a week. I think it can be as simple as that. what i will say is that 5 times a week doesn’t happen when only one person is wanting it… (unless theres rohypnol involved- just kidding) but i’m serious.

    i don’t think its strange to have sex twice a month, and i don’t think its strange to have it 3-5 times a week. i just think every couple is different.

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  147. Crap, I just deleted a comment.

    It seems the site was down for a bit. I am not sure why or how. Testing?

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  148. Single: When I was single I went a year and a half (maybe more) without it. If it’s not in your face, you just don’t need it as much as when it is.

    And yes, getting drunk and calling an ex is a bad, bad idea. Don’t go there. Don’t ever go back again.

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  149. The db was just slow for about 15 minutes, michele. Nothing big.

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  150. whenever we manage to go to bed or wake up at the same time, which works out to 2-3 times a week. living together for 2-3 years now.

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