Spread Books (and Crazy)

This month, Tobyjoe and I have decided to mail out two books. We announced the names this morning. If you’re interested in joining us, you don’t have to receive a book in order to do so.

This month, we chose one non-fictional book and one fictional book.

We’re trying to jumpstart the site a little bit. Spread has readers but there isn’t much in the way of discussion. And we’re not sure why and how to change that. We talked about it (and my idealistic concepts) this weekend. There’s a pretty big chance that I have one too much personal projects going on and not enough love and time to devote to all of them. I have a tendency to do that. I have done this for my entire life. (It’s not just an Internet thing. Try spending any extended amount of time with me, you’ll eventually ask me to shut up and/or leave.)

The biggest problem I have is that my ideas, once brought to life, don’t always live up to the fantasies I had while coming up with them. And then I become discouraged. (Let’s just say wihtout going into glorious detail, that I have some issues with trying to relax. This weekend, it became pretty clear that if I don’t work these issues out soon, there’s a chance I might go completely mad. We talked about that as well. If there were one person who could benefit from visiting a shrink, it’d be me. But I can’t seem to sit still long enough to get that done either.)

Sometimes, I spend some time trying to picture me from the point of view of another person. On those days, I rarely paint a very attractive picture of myself. On the days where I don’t feel totally manic, fueled with inspiration and determination and therefore am able to ignore it, I see myself as flakey. I see myself as someone unable to see anything through to its end. I see myself as unreliable, confusing, sporadic, and delusional. I don’t like that me very much and I can’t seem to change her. And when I have the energy to do so, instead of doing so, I come up with new ideas and projects.

It doesn’t take a psychiatrist to see where this is going. It’s never-ending. Worst of all, and I’m only now just starting to realize this, living this way guarantees endless frustration and little to no rest.

I fear that I will never get to know rest. And I need to either come to terms with that fact, embrace the American way and start taking head meds (which I, personally, do not want to do), or self medicate with a bottle (which is worse than taking head meds).

I have no idea what it feels like to relax. I don’t think I’ve ever known what it feels like to relax.

Somehow, I have veered off track. I started this as an announcement about Spread and ended up talking about myself. (Woe is me, blah blah blah blah blog vomit, blog vomit, blog vomit. blah blah blah. typical me me blog vomit. blahg vomit.)

6 Comments

  1. Maybe I’m being too literal, but wouldn’t you say you experienced rest and relaxation on your yoga retreat? Or do you mean relaxation within everyday life?

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  2. I do find relaxation when I’m working out. You’re right. Which is (I think) why I like to run, it takes my mind off my actual mind. I meant more with my every day life. Which is why I have trouble sleeping.

    Truth be told, I find that I sleep better if I have a glass of wine. When I don’t have any booze, after a few days, I suffer from insomnia. When I do actually sleep, I spend most of the night gritting my teeth.

    I think I’m spening too much time thinking about trying not to think.

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  3. I don’t seem to have the relaxation problem anymore, but I used to be an insomniac who couldn’t stay out of her own brain.
    Not sure what happened to change it…age, motherhood, just getting tired of it?
    Find ways to quiet that mind…we do all need to rest.

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  4. It’s ironic that the more tired you become, the more your brain starts to work in a frenzy and turn in on itself, making it even harder to relax.

    I had the same issue (although I rarely had trouble falling asleep: my trouble was that I couldn’t sleep more than 3 hours without waking up and going through hell).

    I worked through the issue by taking some drugs for ADD (strattera) for about a year. I also gave up consulting and “settled down” with a regular job.

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  5. I gotta figure something out. The other night I woke up at 4 and couldn’t go back to sleep. Instead, I stared out the window watching cabs drive to and from the city on the BQE for about an hour. Then, i watched the sunrise. Then, I finally fell asleep and then it was time to get up.

    Seriously, it sucks. But I don’t want to feel complacent either.

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  6. Well, I can say that the alternative to living a life free from midnight anxiety attacks is not necessarily a dull haze of mediocrity and barely satisfying boredom. Quite the contrary, I’ve been able to focus on projects that matter to me without feeling overwhelmed, I’m excited about new prospects that seem to present themselves daily, and I wake up with anticipation for the day that awaits me. I can’t tell you how good it felt to get out of bed because I was excited about work and the day ahead and not in a mad rush fueled by frustration, fear, and pressure.

    I have been med-free for about 9 months now and still feel pretty good. If I do wake up early and am concerned that I might not go back to sleep, I just do some breathing exercises, and fall back to sleep.

    And I have to say, since joining my company officially, I have been exposed to far more important projects and have had far more opportunities to be creative and challenged than I ever had as a high-priced conractor. But the pay cut still hurts from time to time.

    Good luck!

    Reply

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