Inquiring Asses Want to Know.

Most everyone hates sitting on urine. And if you’re a woman who pees outside of the house more than once a year you’re bound to have noticed the ever so prevalent splatter that covers toilet seats across the United States of America. It’s one of the small things about the breaking down of the Social Contract that infuriates me. But I’m willing to let that one go in order to work on more important ones such as insisting drivers let people merge or asking that people not speak during live music shows.

I hover. Sometimes, it’s just downright hard to do if it’s not totally annoying. Especially while wearing winter clothing and there is no hook. And sometimes, it’s annoying because you just don’t want to have to hover.

I wish the first person to enter a public restroom and discover that the seat is not actually covered in another person’s urine would just sit their ass down and pee. I’m not sure what the rest of America’s women do with their asses, but I’d much rather sit on something touched by my ass than sit on something touched by my urine. New Yorkers are the most hypocritical of all. If one is willing to ride the MTA, they damn well should be willing to let their cheeks touch the bowl from time to time.

But I digress. I noticed something about those puffy, soft, vinyl seat covers. I noticed they are less likely to be covered in urine. I rarely discover them in quite the same piss-covered state as their porcelain cousins. And this weekend, I wondered why that might be. Are people more comfortable with sitting on a puffy vinyl seat cover? Do they make for better deterrents? Or am I just not seeing the splatter?

17 Comments

  1. Dude, people where I work do this and it infuriates me to no end. At what point does it go through your mind, “Hey, it’s ok if I leave piss all over this seat!” Seriously.

    Nasty.

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  2. Have you found these puffy soft seat covers in public restrooms? I don’t remember ever finding cushy seat covers outside of people’s homes before.

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  3. I always assumed the splatter was from inconsiderate bastard men that didn’t lift the seat. Am I hearing you right that women are sometimes the culprits?

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  4. If you’re gonna hover, don’t you first put the seat up?

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  5. Toby Joe: No. That would mean having to touch the seat in order to do so. It makes no sense. The women who are first to piss all over it should lift it. Then, we’d just leave it up.

    Donald: Yes, it’s usually the women’s fault. I think.

    Katie, i have seen the puffy ones outside of someone’s house. And those few puffy ones are not usually covered in piss. It’s weird. But true. :]

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  6. Use tissue to lift it. What is this, your first day?!?

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  7. I would need to put on a latex glove before that. Otherwise, the pee will soak through the tissue and all over my fingers. Next time, you’re coming in and putting the seat up for me.

    What is this YOUR first day?

    Actually, I bet I could use my foot. That’s how I flush, after all.

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  8. Thats exactly right, use your foot. And, use the paper towel you’ve used to dry your hands to turn the knob as you exit the restroom. That’s what I do…

    Maybe the more considerate thing for men to do is to leave the seat up?

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  9. “Maybe the more considerate thing for men to do is to leave the seat up?”

    No, they should all sit down.

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  10. While I can’t say many women would want to do this (there may be some I’m sure)…there is a tutorial on how to pee standing up. For women. http://myvag.net/pee/standing/

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  11. Yes, and some of us are 9 feet tall and would have to have Jedi powers to hover like that. If someone’s cold pee touches my ass, I’m climbing a tall tower.

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  12. Im thinking that the puffy seats just hide the pee more. Im actually imagining the pee just rolling off the seat, so you cant really tell it was ever there. Plus I just dont think that its very hygenic. It would seem that you are sitting on this vinyl seat that’s prone to collect hidden pee and dead skin cells from another’s ass. Not to mention the added creep out factor of sitting on a warm one. But the real hidden danger is when one cracks. the second you get up, you get pinched really hard. Oh and god forbid someone has peed on a cracked seat. The inner foam soaks up the piss and now you’re sitting on spongebob piss-seat.

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  13. an ancillary tale:

    one time at work the guy in the stall next to me was engaged in a #2 scenario, seated, pants down, etc. and all of a sudden i notice all of this pee coming into my stall from underneath the stall divider!!! i don’t know what was going on in there, but homeboy was totally missing the bowl, and sitting down! i saw him later in the office and his pants weren’t all wet like i thought they’d be, so i don’t know what the hell happened in there.

    yuck.

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  14. kosta is totally talking about chandler.

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  15. who thought kosta was Toby Joe.

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  16. don’t the puffy ones allow the pee to just roll off?

    only time i have seen puffy ones outside of a home, is in gross bathrooms in gas stations along the interstate. they usally have big cracks in them, with yellow styrofoam…probably bugs living in it.

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  17. Just wait until you are a mom and the kids need to put their hands on the seat to keep from falling in. Or the toddler is rummaging through the garbage when you are hovering and then putting fingers in their mouth. I think you may want to reconsider this wanting a baby thing… think of changing that baby in those bathrooms.

    Over here a lot of toilets are Turkish toilets. They are a basin type thing in the floor. You squat. No pee on you, very clean. They just don’t supply toilet paper. But a refreshing hose is there to rinse off and drip dry.

    M

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