Drunk Drivers and Crackheads, I Will Cut You.

On Saturday, Toby Joe and I left the house to get some grocery shopping in. I, of course, had to wash the car because she looks much sexier when she’s cleaned. We were driving down McGuiness Boulevard when Toby Joe noticed something.

“It seems that some crackhead may have broken off our antenna.”


Sure enough, the very top of the the car antennae had been removed. And suddenly, I wanted to run down every crackhead in site.

“How do you know it’s the crime of a crackhead?”

“They use the top to smoke out of. 98 percent of the time, if you have your antenna taken, it’s the work of a crackhead.”

“I know this is wrong, but I want to kill all the crackheads.”

“Well, in all fairness, it could have been removed by someone wishing to smoke heroin.”

“That’s fine. I’ll kill them, too.”

We pulled up to the car wash. I got out of the car and quickly gave it a once over before handing the guy my keys. That’s when I noticed the back of the car.


And that’s when I noticed that someone had clipped my car. The rear, left-hand taillight was busted. The rubber was dangling down, holding a piece of plastic like some pathetic baby tooth. I fought back the tears. The guy getting ready to wash my car shook his head as if to say, “Yeah, but this ain’t nothing.”

We’re pretty sure we know where and when it happened. And we’re pretty sure it was done by some drunk driver. That’s the only way this could have happened. I mean, unless they started giving licenses out to the blind.

I am going to have it fixed. I waited too long to have a car like that not to. But I am in need of a decent auto body mechanic preferably one who has a thing for Volvos. (New York people, email me if you know of anyone. Please. Make me happy again.)

Every time I think about it I become enraged. And then last night while moving my car to another spot, someone screamed at me calling me an asshole because I was apparently driving too slowly. Why are people so horrible while driving? For someone who has a thing for cars, I find myself ready to hate the folks who drive them.


  1. That sucks and I’m sorry it happened to you. My car got hit in a parking lot this weekend. I talked to the store security and they have cameras in the parking lot. They need a police report before they’ll release any information. I’m going to file a police report and catch the bastards! Law and Order, Raleigh style!


  2. Camille, please keep me posted. I would LOVE to know that someone else didn’t end up hundreds of dollars in the hole. I can live vicariously through you.


  3. I relate.

    We just get back from Eid holiday vacation to find outthe neighbourhood hoodlums destroyed our vehicle. SOB!!!!

    R.I.P. Booger

    Booger was a deep green 1986 land rover defender. You know the kind that you can mount a hunting chair on the hood, the windshield flips down and the roof can be removed to be a boat…. They just ripped the dash board and pulled out the wiring for the hell of it.

    I am so pissed off!



  4. oh my goodness, you poor thing. I am so sorry to hear that. My car suffered a mere flesh-wound. Yours seems to have met its demise. :[


  5. Passive revenge – just make up stories about what’s going to happen to these people for just being so awful. For instance, maybe the crackhead that stole your antenna just lost their last tooth. Maybe the drunk that hit your car got a flat tire and was too drunk to change it. They left it on the street and it got towed away.


  6. I really feel bad for you , but I just got done reading an article about how 4700 cars in France were set on fire due to the rioting. However in an attempt to relate, my ex-girlfriend put chewing gum and toothpicks into the door keyholes of my 61 cadillac…


  7. Holy crap! Gum? That’s damn harsh. I once had an ex throw out my furniture but I never had anyone do that to a car. That’s like kicking a puppy.


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