The Milk Incident.

I don’t know anything about milk. Actually, I know it’s white and it’s filled with mucous. I know that people love it. And I know that it upsets my stomach. I know that the cow offspring that naturally drink it have five stomachs. I know that sort of makes some sense as to why mine usually hurts when I drink it. I also know that part of why I don’t like milk is because when my older brother and I were kids, my father thought it’d be really funny to have us sample milk straight out of the cow while visiting a farm owned by a friend of the family. (You have never, ever seen two kids’ faces contort so quickly and horribly.) Milk was never the same again after that. I imagine the milk industry would take quite a hit had the great people of this nation sampled milk straight out of a cow teat. But I digress.

Last weekend, I needed milk because I wanted to make lemon poppy seed muffins. It was late and the place across the street doesn’t carry soy milk so I purchased regular milk. I’ve had it in the house ever since. When Soung came to visit, she used a little bit in her coffee. I used it in the muffins and also in the peanut butter cream pie I made. Otherwise, it hasn’t gotten much play. I feel like a bad person for wasting all that milk.

Last night, Dan arrived from England. The same Dan who was beaten pretty badly this past July. I haven’t seen Dan in several years. And even though he was unbelievably tired, we dragged him out to Enid’s for dinner. We made the best of an otherwise dreary evening.

When we got home, we did what any decent human might do for a British house-guest. We made tea. And everyone knows that ALL British people use milk in their tea. So I pulled out the milk container.

“How long does milk last? What’s today’s date?”

“Probably about a week? I dunno. Why, what’s the expiration date read?”

It expired yesterday. Dan, do you know if it’s OK?”

Worried it might actually explode or contaminate my fingers and body, I held the container at arm’s length.

That’s when Dan suggested I smell it.

I removed the lid and lifted the jug to my face. I inhaled deeply. It didn’t smell bad but I couldn’t have my British friend possibly drink spoiled milk. I needed to go in first. If this was going to kill him, it would have to take me down first.

Toby and Dan sat on the couch and watched. Their heads followed my movements much like cats do when they are taunted by moving objects. Suddenly, right as I was getting ready to sip the milk, everything funny came rushing back to me – their reaction, my past milk experience, the fact that I was sampling the milk straight from the container, cows, mooing, – everything. Everything.

I’m not sure why I couldn’t hold it back, but suddenly, milk was flying in every direction using my face as its launching pad. It was as if my head exploded while blood was on vacation and milk was there to babysit. Milk flew everywhere.

My head must have been the most excellent feline pinata, because our cats arrived immediately to reap the benefits. They began to furiously lap up the hundreds of droplets of milk. Toby and Dan watched in horror. My face dripped with milk. It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn’t indeed sleeping. It occurred to me that this wasn’t a nightmare. It became horribly clear that there was actually expired milk all over my face and arms.

38 Comments

  1. Actually, I made you laugh, by cracking up myself.

    All the care that was going into ensuring that this milk wasn’t in any way gross, and you DRANK FROM THE CONTAINER like it was nothing.

    I cracked up, and you exploded.

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  2. I’m still laughing about it. I couldn’t remember what started me off. Thanks for reminding me. SO i have YOU to blame for the explosion. Thanks, Toby Joe.

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  3. That scene last night was special. At least Dan will feel totally comfortable (and superior) now!

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  4. That was hilarious, and a wonderful description!
    Milk will last a few days past expiration date if it is in a cold enough refrigerator, FYI. ;-)

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  5. That is wonderful. Did it come out of your nose?? :D

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  6. DIEDRE, ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?!

    Amanda, I am not sure. Milk literally flew everywhere. Everywhere. I think it was enhanced because I blew directly into the giant plastic jug. Having done so, I misplaced the milk. It was left no other choice than to come out. And a lot of it came out. Thank goodness it didn’t get in my ears. I’d have a really hard time explaining that one to my ear doctor.

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  7. In 1987 (age 12), I once bought from a vending machine a package of ding-dongs (a HUGE rarity even today – I’ve never liked to purchase/consume plastic wrapped confections that have an expiration date more than 1 week away from the time of purchase). With ding dongs in hand, I then realized, “I can’t possibly eat even one of these without some milk.” SO I got a carton of milk from a neighboring vending machine – up until this point, I loved milk. I took a big big of ding dong and then a big swig of milk – to discover the milk was CHUNKY! I spewed my mouthful of ding dong and CHUNKY milk everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I then laughed so hard I made myself sick – those with me at the time it happened still mention it today.

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  8. I so wish you guys had met my kids. Making each other laugh while drinking milk is a sport in our house. Poop splatter!!

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  9. I didn’t make you drink that milk on the farm. It was done after we abandoned you in their care while we went out and partied to be precise, BTW, put a little milk in the coffee or tea and it will curdle. THAT”S how you do it.

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  10. This is the second time in as many weeks that I’m feeling an interesting connection going on here. I was at work yesterday and about to pour some milk in my coffee when I looked at the date and saw it was a day past. So I smelled it, and it smelled kind of yucky so I poured it out, rinsed it out, then proceeded to have a conversation with my co-worker about what to do with the container. He suggested something and I didn’t understand, so I handed the container over, and he put the plastic lid inside, then stepped on the 4L container so that it was squished and would take less room in the recycling big, smart man that he is. I then took it upon myself to hold the container up so that I could look in the spout to see if I could see the lid. Of course, when I did that, REALLY GROSS expired milk water came pouring out and got all over my arm and then I was covered in REALLY GROSS expired milk. Why did I need to look into the empty container?

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  11. scbob, you mean to tell me you left us in the care of basic strangers who then proceeded to feed us milk from their cows? Holy crap, no wonder I’m a little off.
    Kater, thank goodness my milk wasn’t spoiled. I saw Missy last night and she said, “You never told us if the milk was bad! I wanted to know if the milk was bad!” It wasn’t bad. Not at all. Dan actually used some if it after it was all over my face. He’s a trooper.

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  12. Hi! I think that milk will only last a couple days after the expiration date becuase if it’s curdled or smells bad, it’s probably not good to use. 1 or 2 days later is fine, but after that, I wouldn’t drink it.

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  13. Hi! I think that milk will only last a couple days after the expiration date becuase if it’s curdled or smells bad, it’s probably not good to use. 1 or 2 days later is fine, but after that, I wouldn’t drink it.

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  14. Don’t drink milk past the expiration date!
    They put the date on there for a reason! If it was fine to drink 2,3,or 4 days later they wouldn’t put the date on there. Drinking expired milk is like eating expired eggs or oatmeal. Gross! Don’t take the chance and drink it after the expiration date! You do-There’s a very good chance you could get a stomach ache or food poisoning. One time I drank milk 2 days after the exp. date. It smelled fine, but I got food poisoning! Don’t drink milk past the exp. date!

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  15. Drinking milk after the expiration date? That’s just gross! If the milk was good for 3,4,5,6 days after the expiration date, they wouldn’t put an expiration date on the package. You can get a real bad stomachache! You don’t eat eggs or meat after it has expired, so don’t start with milk. Some people say it may be good 3,4,5,6, days after, but I think it’s gross! Why would anyone even want to try it, and risk getting sick. DON’T DRINK EXPIRED MILK!

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  16. DON’T DRINK EXPIRED MILK! That’s so gross!

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  17. Why would anyone want to drink expired milk? That can make u sick! That’s soooooooo gross! U should never drink expired milk! U could get food poisoning or a stomachache. Why would anyone risk eating food or drinking milk after it has expired? The expiration date isn’t 2 just tell u when the milk is not good anymore. It’s not an around by. It’s the exact date that u shouldn’t drink milk after. The expiration date lets you know not to drink milk after that time. If the milk smells bad before the expiration date, throw it out. It’s bad then too. Milk is kind of an opinion question, but I think it’s just gross to drink milk after the expiration date. I know we all want to save money, but please don’t drink milk after the expiration date! It’s not like milk is expensive! I know you all want to use the milk until the last day possible, but trust me on this 1. I know from experience! Don’t drink milk after the expiration date!

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  18. Why would anyone drink expired milk? I’m not an expert, but I think that’s pretty gross! Even 1 day after it’s expired, you can still get sick! But why would anyone want to take that chance? People often don’t feel like buying new milk, so they use expired milk. O

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  19. One time, I drank expired milk 3 days after it had expired, and I got a real bad stomachache and I threw-up! If people drink it 4,5,6 days after it has expired, it’s definately not good! Don’t drink expired milk! Like other people have been saying, if there was no reason for an expiration date, it wouldn’t be on the milk carton. Don’t drink expired milk!

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  20. Dude, y’all, this was written 355 days ago and it was meant to be a funny story about milk, tea, and my friend Dan. I’m not drinking a bunch of curdled milk. I assure you.

    Now, kindly stop writing about expired milk and how disgusting it is. Personally, I find ALL milk disgusting, expired or not. Soy milk, kittens. Soy milk.

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  21. We realize that it was a funny story-We just want people to know what can happen to them when they drink expired milk even if it’s only 1 or 2 days expired.

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  22. Well, that makes sense. But in all honesty, I think cow’s milk, expired or not, is pretty disgusting. But I know that tends to upset folks.

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  23. I agree with everyone else. Don’t drink expired milk. One time the milk was only 1 day expired, and it smelled fine. I drank it and got sick. Please don’t drink expired milk!

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  24. I don’t drink expired milk personally, I feed it to my baby.

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  25. OMG, I’m serious!!!!! Don’t drink expired MILK! It cud kill u!!!!

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  26. OMG, I’m serious!!!!! Don’t drink expired MILK! It cud kill u!!!!

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  27. I wish you dumb ass humans would stop drinking my teat juice. It’s for my baby, whom you consistently inject with hormones and shove into dark spaces to eventually call it a delicacy.

    You’re a bunch of heartless and evil animals.

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  28. Ashton Kucher is totally hawt.

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  29. OMG, I F8KIN’ LOVE ASHTON COOTCHIE BUT HE’S GOT HIS PENIS IN THAT OLD HAG FROM GHOST. GHOST IS RIGHT, SHE’S OLD. LIKE DEAD. LIKE A GHOST. I LOVE ASHTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    IF HE LACTATED I WOULD DRINK HIS MILK, HIS MAN MILK GHOST F8CKER OR NOT.

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  30. Why you be hatin on demi? don’t be hatin on demi!! I’d hit her like a seal cub cuz she was a navy seal in that movie. get it? yeah, ima gonna throw sum pots with that ghost lover. but ashton is a pretty boy punk. PEACE!!

    oh yeah …dont drink spoild milk. thats nasty. give it to ur fat cats.

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  31. Why would anyone drink expired milk???? Euuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

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  32. Driking expired milk is just disugusting! Whether it’s 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,or 9 days expired! After the date, it’s done w/. end of story.

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  33. If ur goal is 2 get sick, then drink expired milk. If ur smart enough, then u won’t!

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  34. I think this thread has gone way past the expiration date. Reading it makes me queezy.

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  35. Charlie, you’re ABSOLUTELY right.

    Or, should I say, ur absoluetly right, u r.

    Reply

  36. But does Akismet know when comment spam is a joke?

    Reply

  37. That’s when mihow steps in.

    Reply

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