Last night, I began interviewing people over the phone for a project I am currently working on. I have conducted a few interviews (via email) and those worked out just fine. I plan on redoing them over the phone in order to record them as well. There are a few things I noticed about myself in the first go at it.
First of all, Last night I laid in bed until 1 a.m. playing back everything I said and how I spoke. I spent most of that time ridiculing myself, telling myself how awful I was and what I needed to do to make it better. I spent some more time thinking, “My God, you’re stupid. What were you thinking?”
Last night, I wasn’t far off from the skit on SNL featuring Chris Farley (may he rest in peace) who slaps himself in the head repeatedly letting himself know how stupid he is.
IDIOT!! That was so stupid! What a dumb question!!
That was me.
Lately, I have been trying to figure out why I am so insecure and why I constantly second-guess myself about everything I feel passionate about. I put down what I believe is a good idea or what I, at the very least, feel is worth exploring. It’s really annoying. I’m really annoying.
Toby Joe is becoming more and more frustrated by this habit of mine as he’s the one who is constantly having to reassure me that what I’m doing isn’t, in fact, stupid. He can say it over and over again and most of the time I’m just waiting for him to finally say, “Yeah, that’s pretty dumb. Stop doing that.”
GOD! That sounds stupid! God, I’m an idiot! I never know how to start these things!
I am totally enamored by people who are able to really believe in themselves. I’m completely envious of those with a visible ego. And I’m not sure when I destroyed my own, but I’d love to have it back again.
And then I think is doubting oneself the most egotistical thing one can do? Am I, in fact, so egotistical I need to tell myself how downright stupid I am? Where was I before I got to here? Who is this egotistical person I am so mean to and why?
I know what I am currently working on is perfectly wonderful because it has to do with people and people are fabulous. I love their oddities, the things they talk about, the things they hold sacred, the words they use to describe what they love. I have to keep sight of that, otherwise, I’m in for one heck of a bumpy road where I spend most of the time trying to kick myself out of a moving car.
GOD DANGIT! That sounded stupid! I knew I’d screw up!
(No. No it’s not stupid. Shut up.)