Hang Onto Your Ego. Hang On But I Know that You’re Gonna Lose the Fight

Last night, I began interviewing people over the phone for a project I am currently working on. I have conducted a few interviews (via email) and those worked out just fine. I plan on redoing them over the phone in order to record them as well. There are a few things I noticed about myself in the first go at it.

First of all, Last night I laid in bed until 1 a.m. playing back everything I said and how I spoke. I spent most of that time ridiculing myself, telling myself how awful I was and what I needed to do to make it better. I spent some more time thinking, “My God, you’re stupid. What were you thinking?”

Last night, I wasn’t far off from the skit on SNL featuring Chris Farley (may he rest in peace) who slaps himself in the head repeatedly letting himself know how stupid he is.

IDIOT!! That was so stupid! What a dumb question!!

That was me.

Lately, I have been trying to figure out why I am so insecure and why I constantly second-guess myself about everything I feel passionate about. I put down what I believe is a good idea or what I, at the very least, feel is worth exploring. It’s really annoying. I’m really annoying.

Toby Joe is becoming more and more frustrated by this habit of mine as he’s the one who is constantly having to reassure me that what I’m doing isn’t, in fact, stupid. He can say it over and over again and most of the time I’m just waiting for him to finally say, “Yeah, that’s pretty dumb. Stop doing that.”

GOD! That sounds stupid! God, I’m an idiot! I never know how to start these things!

I am totally enamored by people who are able to really believe in themselves. I’m completely envious of those with a visible ego. And I’m not sure when I destroyed my own, but I’d love to have it back again.

And then I think is doubting oneself the most egotistical thing one can do? Am I, in fact, so egotistical I need to tell myself how downright stupid I am? Where was I before I got to here? Who is this egotistical person I am so mean to and why?

I know what I am currently working on is perfectly wonderful because it has to do with people and people are fabulous. I love their oddities, the things they talk about, the things they hold sacred, the words they use to describe what they love. I have to keep sight of that, otherwise, I’m in for one heck of a bumpy road where I spend most of the time trying to kick myself out of a moving car.

GOD DANGIT! That sounded stupid! I knew I’d screw up!

(No. No it’s not stupid. Shut up.)

12 Comments

  1. when you find it….let me know because I’m there with you!

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  2. I used to be like this as well. I’m not sure what I did to make it stop—but, I stopped doing it after I went to India and lost all humility and shame. I’m no longer ashamed of anything I do because I’ve done things like lose my patience and partake in screaming fits in front of dozens of strange people in a foreign country.

    It’s ok for you to feel this way because it means you are aware that you are flawed and human; and, that you are one step closer to doing something about it to make yourself happy (we are after all our own worst critics – I’m sure no one else noticed). It’s the people who are arrogant (which I think is fear) who have a longer/harder path to go down to reach happiness.

    I’m sorry if this sounds too zen.

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  3. I hate that voice that tells us we are not good enough. I still struggle with it every day, but I try to concentrate on being kind to myself. I would never talk to other people the way I talk to me.

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  4. Shut up! You are not stupid! You are brave! You have ideas and things you feel need to be done and want to get done and you do it.

    And yes, we are our own worst critics, but better to try than not at all. Some never do because the fear of failure grips them too tightly.

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  5. It’s amazing how much I resemble Chirs, isn’t it? Wow. :]

    Diedre, you’re right. Sharbean, never. Speak up. Doesn’t matter how “zen” you sound. Zen in the art of sounding zen. ;]

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  6. Silly Nessa, I am forever grateful for all your help. I owe you huge. I hope to pay you back soon. :] You’re the best, sweets.

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  7. I used to play catch with my dad when I was a kid. I was lousy. I couldn’t catch, and I couldn’t throw very well, but I wanted to play catch with my dad because it was something to do with him and I wanted to get better for little league (my father is british and found baseball baffling and had no real desire to play, so this isn’t a field of dreams thing). Anyway, every time I threw the ball in some weird direction or overthrew him or fucked up in some way, I’d yell “Sorry!” My father made me stop apologizing and insisted that I yell “Go to hell!” every time I screwed up. So you can imagine the Norman Rockwell moment: gangly, knobby-kneed tow-head playing catch with his immigrant father in a lovely suburban new england yard—the two of them shouting profanity and obscenity at each other. I must say, it did wonders for my confidence. So next time you berate yourself, just say “go to hell!”

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  8. Charlie, have I told you lately how awesome you are? No? HmmmMMmmmm You’re awesome.
    And I look like Chris Farely. Hot.

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  9. where does the word tow head come from anyway?
    and don’t be so hard on yourself about being so hard on yourself. you do more in a day than most people do in a year.
    I think it’s good to criticize and doubt yourself, cause you’ll learn from the experience that way… but for real nizzle, you should be proud of all that you do and have done thus far. i’m going to see the decemberists tonight- are you? you should go.. okay bye

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  10. oh and what did yo uwin from the raffle?

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  11. mihow, i think i love you.

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  12. Let’s get married.

    Reply

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