My Date with the Doctor. (Warning: Too Much Information Below.)

I just got back from visiting my new (and much improved) primary care physician. Like most doctors, he asked me what he could do for me today. And that’s when I just let it rip. Not gas, mind you, information.

Well, I don’t get to the doctor very often – aside from the gynecologist. I have a skin thing on my shins that I don’t know what it is but it’s really itchy. And it’s not active right now so there is nothing to see really. I probably need to have blood work done. Also, I have three warts on the bottom of my heel and I want them gone once and for all. I have had it cut out twice and it hasn’t worked. I’ve had it for nearly 20 years. Also, my ears are sort of screwed up – have been since I was a baby. I have intestinal problems and really wicked heartburn, too. I am told there is a most excellent gastroenterologist here.

He wrote vigorously.

After cramming about 20 years worth of information on a piece of unlined, white paper, he asked me some of the usual questions. Are you allergic to any medications? Is there a history of _ in your family? Are you taking any regular medications? Do you smoke? How often do you drink? How old are you? You get the picture.

I’m going to examine you and then have you get some blood work done. Ok?

We left his office and headed into an exam room where I was told to undress apart from my underpants.

Uhoh.

You would think that after 31 years of living I’d have figured out how to be a decent lady by now. In other words, whenever trying on clothing and/or visiting non-gynecological doctors wear your friggin’ underpants. But no, I didn’t wear my friggin’ underpants and so the next 30 second proved to be as uncomfortable as having a wedgie on a crowded subway train.

I thought quickly. I could just not tell him and strip down and tell him I didn’t hear him. But he said it twice. Hmmmm. I could just tell him I’m stupid. No, that won’t work either. If I don’t tell him now, he’ll either think I’m totally insane and come in explaining “It’s not that kind of exam.” Oh my god, what if he thinks I’m coming on to him when he comes back in and I’m naked. Maybe I should just leave.

After a brief argument with the rude side of myself, the decent side of me decided I had to tell him.

Ummmmm, Doctor? I hate to say this, I am not wearing any underpants today.

Judging by his reaction, I must have looked mortified as if I had just popped the word’s biggest boner while on the diving board directly in front of Suzy while at the public pool.

That’s OK. Just undress and we’ll find something to cover you with.

(Side note: I think it might be time to go underpants shopping.)

I got the full examination, minus the cold stirrups. He checked everything and I appear to be in perfect health, at least on the outside. He told me the gastroenterologist will most likely want to stick cameras up my ass and check out my intestines and that the podiatrist would check out that planters wart (which, I have to admit, is one of the biggest things I hate about my body, aside from my boobs.) He told me we’d draw blood and check for everything and anything and that in a week we’d know more about my health for future pregnancies, etc. He then told me to get dressed and come back to his office once I was finished.

We sat down again and he wrote some more. He jotted down an ENT, a podiatrist, and an gastroenterologist.

Oh, and I have an even stranger request, I have lost some weight and my breasts haven’t gotten any smaller, actually, they deflated and I have wanted a reduction for quite some time but am afraid of it so if you have any suggestions for accomplished plastic surgeons, I’d like to know about them, too.

He stopped writing.

Well, just so you know, insurance won’t cover that, because, well, you know, they’re not huge like some women’s breasts. It’d be an out-of-pocket expense.

I am OK with that, sir.

And you will have scars.

Scars? Really? Still?

Yes. Unfortunately, with reductions, they have figured out how to do it scar-free. I haven’t seen any reductions done that don’t have scars.

That’s the pits. You’d like to think it’d be the other way around for reasons I can’t back up.

He began to write again.

I’ll give you three names and referrals for plastic surgeons. Meet with all three and find out which one you like the most. You know, forgive me for asking, but why do you want this done? Your breasts seem fine.

No harm asking. I just don’t like them. Nothing fits right. They are always getting in the way. I can’t wear what I want to wear and even now, after having lost nearly 15 pounds, they are still the same size. I guess I expected a better, smaller reward—if you know what I mean.

Yes, that makes sense. If you’re not happy with them, then do whatever will make you happy. But you will have scars. Either way, it doesn’t hurt to talk to them and discuss this with a plastic surgeon. They will better know how to proceed.

We finished up with a few more items, such as making an appointment with their leading gastroenterologist, the same butt doctor Toby has gone to for years. Then, I was on my way.

I called Toby from outside and expressed how great it felt visiting a doctor who took that much time with me. No doctor (aside from my ear doctors from the past) has ever done that.

Rest assured, sweet Internet I’m bound to keep you updated on my medical procedures in the upcoming weeks especially the one where I get an anal probe. I wonder if I’ll get to bring home souvenirs of the inside of my anus. Who knows, if you’re lucky, maybe I’ll share them with you, too.

39 Comments

  1. Wow, that was a lot of information! I was cracking up with the whole internal dialogue about the underwear (I mean the lack of underwear). I can’t believe none of us thought about the doctor visit issue during that whole ‘going mihow’ discussion!
    Now that I think about it, there’s also the sort of ‘old wives’ tale that dictates you should always leave the house in clean underwear in case you are in an accident and the EMT’s and/or doctors have to treat you. Though I think no underwear is just as good as clean underwear in that situation. :-)

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  2. I’m glad you’re meeting with the plastic surgeons!

    You’ve wanted to do that for so long. It’s about time. Congrats!

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  3. I wrote that really quickly. Judging by a couple of email I received, I think I need to clear something up: I probably will never go see a plastic surgeon. At least not until we decide if we’re having kids. By then, hopefully, they’ll have the whole scar issue sorted out. Secondly, I know I’m disgusting and should probably not write certain things. But you know what? this is, after all, still a journal. So deal with it.

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  4. Please post what the plastic surgeons tell you when you meet with them. I’m in the same position as you (too big of boobs) and have been wanting my breasts reduced since high school. Regarding the insurance thing; I thought the insurance companies cover the procedure if its related to back problems, etc. Is there a size limit as to what hurts someone’s back and deems it necessary? I mean I am 32 around and a size C cup. Sometimes even a D when they are swollen. So I wonder? Of course my back really doesn’t hurt from the boobs themselves…..but its the boobs that hurt me when I try on button down shirts,jackets, run, etc. Thats reason enough for insurance to cover it in my book.

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  5. Great post. Don’t say you’re disgusting, girly. We’re all human, no? We all put our panties on one leg at a time, right?

    Oh, uh. Never mind. :)

    ps… Pretty sure I have a hole in the protective lining around my brain. No shit. So, we’ll both be getting some uncomfy probing (and great sedation meds) in the next while. Yeah, so… enjoy. xo

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  6. Sarah, i will do so. I plan on meeting with them but maybe waiting on the actual procedure. It depends on what they say about breast-feeding, etc. I wrote that response above quickly. It should read, “I don’t plan on getting the procedure done until after I know more about the breast-feeding thing.” I am going to visit with all three of them right as soon as I can and will keep you posted. I give you my word.

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  7. Woops, I took too long posting and then you cleared it up. Plus, I put my last name and that was not my intention at all. Damn autofill!

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  8. Thats my thing too. I want to be able to use the damn things for what we have them for “breastfeeding”. But damn! I can’t wait to wear cute t-shirts, halters, button down shirts that don’t show my bra in- between the buttons. drool

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  9. You tickle me to no end. It’s time to employ “Operation Panty Drop” on your behalf. ;D

    I got ANOTHER present from you yesterday you little sweetheart love muffin. Thankyou so much, Mihow.

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  10. Wow. Plastic surgeons are busy people. First available appointment for my doctor’s first choice is on Halloween. Gonna meet with him to discuss. For all the ladies out there, a consultation runs 200.00. His fee for the operation is 10,000. You pay upfront and then, if you qualify, you can get payback from your insurance. (I know there are cheaper doctors but I requested that I’d rather pay more and have great work over save money and end up on 20/20 for botched plastic surgeries.

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  11. I think you should meet with those three, and then decide if its something you want to do now, wait for, or not do.

    Just get past that barrier so you actually know more about the procedure and options, and spend less time worrying and pondering on what-ifs.

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  12. Sarah s. gonna have Toby change your full name to your short name. Hope that’s cool.

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  13. Cool. Thanks so much Mihow. Good luck with your consultations. Maybe I’ll get one soon. My birthday is coming up…maybe I could add “breast consultation” to my wish list.

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  14. Have you ever had a bra fitting? That might solve part of your problems with both the way clothes fit and comfort. Most good lingerie boutiques offer the service for free by appt. There is a great boutique in Fairfax so I am sure you could find one in NYC. You’d be amazed what a properly fitted bra will do for you! Of course, you’ll pay a lot more than a bra from Target but it would be much cheaper than the boob job. Plus, you do save all that money on panties:)

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  15. MelHow, I have not. I should treat myself to one of those, too. I imagine there has to be one in NYC but who knows where to even begin! Hmmmm
    Sidenote: I am having trouble fighting random images from NipTuck. Help me, please?

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  16. I’ll email you a couple of links I found.

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  17. A relative of yours recently sprang for one of those expensive bras and has not had a problem and looks great in her clothes. Why not give it a try before going under the knife. You can always change your mind if the bra does not work out.

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  18. I went to a shop there called Bra smyth, I think. Can’t remember if it is one word or two. They were great. Lots of French women who follow you into the fitting room and squish your boobies into the Bra’s.
    They had some minimizers too. Those are my Bra of choice. Although, most often I’m told a store doesn’t carry stuff in my size. Victoria S. is one example. Currently there is not ONE bra in their store in my size! Bra Smyth had stuff though. Pricey but nice.

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  19. sian, by “there” do you mean NYC? Or Virginia?

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  20. No panties. You slut. Just kidding. The same thing happened to me once. It’s rather embarrassing but the moment passed quickly…I think.

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  21. NYC.
    Can’t remember the area. But at least confident it was Manhattan.

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  22. You want embarrassing?

    Last time I went to the same doc I was wearing panties.

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  23. Nous vous aimons tous, Michelle. You knew that, by posting on the internets about not wearing underwear, you were setting yourself up for something related. Karma. :-)

    Bet TobyJoe doesn’t think your boobs are too big.

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  24. upper East side
    905 Madison Ave.

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  25. How interesting, that’s right next door to the doctor I am going to see about a boob reduction. I might have to kill two boobs with one stone.

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  26. New bra PLUS someone gropes yer boobies, thats a deal!

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  27. i polled the derby girls and here’s one response

    Hey Leggs – This is from a friend of mine who had one a few years ago. She got some special kind that’s supposed to make it so you can still breastfeed. – Bone

    – Forwarded message
    From: prscl99@aol.com
    Date: Sep 21, 2005 2:19 PM
    Subject: Re: [gothamrollerderby] Boob reduction doctor
    To: phatchick@gmail.com

    Yeah, I went to Dr. Grant Stevens in California near LA.  His website is: marinaplasticsurgery.com   , I'm pretty sure.  Check it out.  He's great.  He uses mostly lasers instead of a scalpel so it heals better.  Some people are left with only thin line white scars afterwards.  I scarred a little more but I have very sensitive skin.

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  28. No shit? I kinda guessed that California would have the best doctors in regards to plastic surgery. She flew out, I imagine? Did she have to stay for a while? Did he go in through the nipple?

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  29. you should email her directly:prscl99@aol.com

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  30. Will do. Remind her that some chick she’s never met is gonna ask her about her boobs. ;]

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  31. Just had a colonoscopy last week. Good news: I get to keep my colon!

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  32. That’s good, mpap! I hope everything is ok!

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  33. Better, now. Earlier this year I was advised to have a colonectomy. Never having aspired to eviscration, I sought alternative treatments through accupuncture and Chinese herbal teas.

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  34. Regarding the boobs and the bras and stuff. That works for most things, but the really annoying parts are when you’re trying to cram yourself into a nice dress and not look like some fat jackass at the same time. See, I have yet to find a strapless bra I can wear that does an ounce of good. As a matter of fact they’re like customer service representatives; sounds good in theory but totally don’t do their job.

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  35. barring an accident, unless your doctor is an idiot or hasn’t gotten any training in 10+ years you should be able to breastfeed.

    mihow should go to agent provocateur or eres for bras. that suggestion is my gift to toby.

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  36. I don’t want to say your wrong jonathon, but you are wrong. Loss of ability to breastfeed is a risk. Every doctor will tell you that. I am a size I cup. Yes that is the letter that comes after H. i need a breast reduction but I am a nursing mother and want to be to all my babies. No doctor in my city would perform the surgery as long as I have the desire to nurse children.. Their advice is….when your hubby gets the big V snip celebrate with reduction!

    Mihow you crack me up EVERY day. So many times I want to comment but am too shy. I could only think about Ann Rice when it came to New Orleans Sorry.
    I am solame.

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  37. bigboobshere, that’s large. I hope you eventually treat yourself to a reduction. Imagine how light you’ll feel! Thanks for the information as well. And please, don’t be shy. I value your information.

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  38. Just a random passerby, and someone may have suggested this, but check out if the skin thing is psoriasis. It’s common, but when I got it it took over a year for my doctor to figure out what it was. He finally sent me to a dermatologist. Then when I had a different form of it, four different doctors looked at me before the last one (my very own new-and-improved family doctor) finally figured out that it was psoriasis, too. For something so common, you’d think it wouldn’t stump so many doctors, but it has. Check it out. (It’s also a genetic disease, so you could see if someone in your family has it, too. My dad didn’t even know that’s what his skin issue was until he noticed mine and I told him about it. His was on a more covered location of his body.)

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  39. Thank you, Talena! Great information!

    Reply

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