Where I Share With The Internet That Time I Stopped Moving My Arms

One time, a long, long time ago, I was at the local New Cumberland Skate Rink. I minding my own business, while imagining I was a muse. That’s what I always did whenever skating, pretended I was friends with Olivia Newton John in Xanadu.

On this particular occasion, I was really getting into it. I closed my eyes some, but not often enough to welcome a bust. I skated that way for at least two songs and imagined that boys everywhere were thinking, “Oh my, look at how shiny her hair is! She must use VO 5 Hot Oil Treatment.”

Everything, that day, was superb that is up until Heather’s mom decided to stop me, mid-snicker.

Look at your arms sway! Your arms were moving so much. It’s as if you were going to take off!!

Heather’s mom.

Heather’s mom said that to me, not 9-year-old Heather, but Heather’s 43-year-old mom. Life has gotta be pretty grim if someone’s mother is teasing you at the local roller rink on a Friday night. Pretty grim, indeed.

I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I also remember the months following her arm-swaying comment when I stopped moving my arms while walking, running, or skating. What a mess that was. Everyone knows that a person’s arms are the keystone to good balance. I didn’t move mine as often as I thought about it (which was a lot, let me tell you.)

Looking back, it’s a good thing I didn’t take this neurosis to the YMCA with me.

(Next week, adolescent mihow stops swallowing her own saliva.)


  1. So funny. I’m kinda conscious of my arms moving too much when I walk around the track or run. I think its from high school when I worked at “the dead” mall of the city where there were more mall walkers than shoppers. I used to zoom in on their arms as they flew by and think how funny they looked. Or at least how they sway their arms so intensely. I sometimes want to tell some “You’re so close to running….why don’t you just do it?” I know its a balance thing, but they sure look funny to me. I’m a treadmill walker. But I don’t sway my arms crazy. Sometimes I hold on to the rail even. I prefer to keep my neurotic thoughts about arms swaying while walking. I guess I like them.


  2. here’s my story……when i was little my voice was really high and when i’d answer the phone they’d think i was my sister. or they’d call and say they spoke with her(actually me) and i was so embarrassed and shy that i played it off. but it’s amazing how badly i felt and i intentionally dropped my voice when answering the phone. this happened last week, i was in a particularly great mood, i pulled up to the drive-hrough(yeah baby, fast food) and a girl asked for my order. i gave it to here and said thank you. she said….” okay miss, that’ll be $$$$ please pull around.” so i did and she turned beet red! i smiled and she said, “you sounded so polite i had to assume you were a woman.” ………thanks!


  3. greg, welcome to Toby’s world. Almost every time he makes a phone call the person calls him “ma’am or miss”



  4. We’re eunuchs. I hear we can grow to 7 feet tall.


  5. too bad my belly is weighing me down, i could be 7’6” easy without it!


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