If you knew someone was having an affair, or had and affair would you tell their spouse?
This is probably impossible to answer but I’m curious.
Edited to add: This post is about a man named Matt who doesn’t read this site. I don’t know him either. I do know a friend of his, tho. And he knows a thing or two about Matt’s “side projects”.
If I were friends with the spouse, I’d give the cheater the opportunity to tell the spouse first. And if they declined, then I’d rat them out.
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I thought about blackmail first – but then I realized that I’d probably have too much sympathy for the person being cheated on.
We’ve all flipped past that tv movie where the wife cheats on the husband, then all of the sudden he has AIDS.
That shit ain’t right.
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I’m with Jon on this one. This actually happened to me, and I lost my friend as a result of telling him about his spouse’s cheating.
I would do the same if I had it to do over. It just feels like the right thing to do. Unfortunatly, it doensn’t seem to help until the cheatee is ready to face the truth.
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unless it was family, or a very close friend, i’d stay out of it completely. things are rarely as simple as “did you know your husband is cheating on you?”…maybe they both are, maybe they like it, maybe they hang out at goth clubs.
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A few years ago, I had the “honour” of breaking it to one of my best friends that her boyfriend/partner of 8 years was cheating on her with someone who used to work for her. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do – especially since I feared that sharing this info meant I would likely lose this friend. No one is supposed to like the bearer of bad news, right?
It worked out ok – she is happy, I am happy, and we’re great friends. But it doesn’t always. I have little tolerance for cheaters – how much does it take to just say “this isn’t working for me” or “you need to know” instead of risking so much more hurt in the long run?
I’d say share it with the cheated-on. If the person with this knowledge wanted to be fair, then giving the cheater the chance to own up first might not be such a bad idea. If I were in the cheated-on’s shoes, I’d rather know than not know. Knowledge is power, even if it sucks to hear things that break your heart.
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I should just say this now, and break the bad news to Toby and Michele-
Should either of you tell me that my woman is cheating, it will, unfortunately, not jeopardize our friendship
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I would never tell. You can’t judge a marriage from the outside, and you never know the dynamics of what’s going on in someone else’s. To tell would be to force a resolution because YOU feel it should be forced at that moment, and that’s just not right.
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To continue with my thought: if my wife were to have an affair and a friend of mine knew about it, I would NOT want to be told. First of all, it’s none of his/her business, and for them to interject would be presumptuous. Of course, if I went to a friend and said “I think my wife is having an affair” and they knew, then I would expect an honest response.
Marriage is a private affair between two people. Once friends decide that they know the rules about how the participants should behave, what’s to stop acquaintances from making said judgements? Further, how about the state? I think this is a slippery slope that leads to outlawing gay marriage, for example. If you insist upon the sanctity and privacy in one case, you should for all. Or maybe now you can see why some people (albeit not I) feel that they can say that a marriage is strictly defined as “x.”
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Hrm. It’s just occured to me that perhaps the “cheatee” is the other person involved in the “cheating”. The “cheater” being the spouse engaged in said cheating.
Uh…
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Thanks for all the excellent responses. I have to say, unless it was my all time best friend or one of my brothers, I wouldn’t ever say a word as it really is none of my business. but to be honest, I asked this because the conversation I had with my friend the other night really just came down to us both saying the same thing. We really don’t want the information at all. No one really wants it when they have it. :/ You know?
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They say the wife is always the last to know well I am living proof of that. My husband had a 6 month affair going on before I found out. The way I found out was from my best friend. It seemed that just about everyone knew about the affair but nobody would tell me. When my best friend found out she confronted my husband and he confirmed to her that yes he was indeed seeing someone so she gave him one week to tell me or else she would because I deserved to know the truth. Well the week passed and she called me to go for lunch and finally broke the news to me. I was crushed of course but in the end I was glad she told me. I was on an emotional roller coaster ride after that and at one point felt very hurt to know that a lot of my other friends knew that my husband was cheating but nobody would tell me. So yes if you know for sure about an affair and if you are a good friend you need to do the right thing and speak up if the one cheating will not.
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Lisa, I am going to have my husband see if you left an email, because I want to write you directly as well.
First of all, I would like to thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I can imagine what you must have gone through, and how hard it was and I wish you the best of days to come. I really do. You’re a strong person and what a great friend you have. I can imagine how hard it was for her, too.
I think I would want to know as well, and as much as it was happening, I think in the long run, I would want someone to tell me. While I never had a husband cheat on me (so I can’t even pretend to understand how very hard this must have been for you) I did have an exboyfriend cheat on me. And the entire town knew about it including my friends. It was almost more humiliating when I finally did find out knowing that everyone knew and no one said a word. :[ What that doesn’t do to a person’s pride. Painful. Indeed.
Either way, I hope the best for you. I really do. (I am going to try an email you as well.)
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Mihow 
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