In the movie The Indian Runner the character played by Sean Penn has his girlfriend (Patricia Arquette) hang upside down against a wall for a rather lengthy amount of time. Initially, she has no idea why he’s demanded that she do this. And all the while she’s hanging there, her feet hovering above her head, he smokes cigarette after cigarette, watching. After some time passes, he calmly explains to her that they are now man and wife.
In the movie, Secretary Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal) sits at a desk for days in a wedding dress trying to prove her commitment to E. Edward Grey (James Spader). Eventually, he comes to collect her and the two are married.
I find some of these rites of passage romantic. I know the few I mentioned above are fantasy and I realize some might find it all a bit silly. Hell, I find the Electric Slide a little silly—to each their own. But for whatever reason, I find these original acts of proving one’s dedication to another romantic. If someone wants to get their husband’s name tattooed on their arm, so be it. A tattoo can be removed or altered. Sometimes, I think it’s kind of cute. If someone wishes to pierce their gonads as a sign of of true love, again, do whatever you want with your balls, anything done down there is reversible. But there are some (moronic) lines even I feel shouldn’t be crossed.
Yesterday, someone sent me an interview with Calvin and Gillian about their alleged bizzarre wedding ritual. (PLEASE NOTE: DO NOT CLICK that link if you are easily disgusted.) I believed it at first, I think because I wanted to feel irritated. After all, what’s a week spent on the internet without spending at least one hour feeling irritated. Now, I’m beginning to think that it’s merely an act of publicity for this online ‘zine or whatever it is. (I spent no time investigating this, which is why I initially wasn’t going to link to it. If it is a publicity stunt, I have done my part in helping them. And I loathe feeling baited.) Either way, these two allegedly tied, and then slowly bit one another’s ring finger off as a way of saying, “Hey, I really love you.” (Which I think works just fine).
Tell me, what does one do in 10 years should they want their finger back? These two aren’t intriguing or romantic at all, unless, of course, you consider high levels of stupidity romantic. I kind of feel sorry for them, should they want my pity at all. Has our generation learned nothing from Mr. Depp?