P.U.

This morning, Toby called as he was getting out of the subway.

I was just farted on.

Laughter.

I’m serious. This woman just farted on me.

More laughter.

You can laugh all you want, but someone just farted on me.

I’m happy to report that I have never been farted on. One time, Schmitty peed on me, but he was high on catnip at the time, so who can blame the fuzzy bastard. Thankfully, I have yet to be farted on.

21 Comments

  1. Except for when you are sleeping. Maybe Toby farts on you all the time and you just don’t know about it.

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  2. You do know that you just took a couple of years off his life with that comment, right?

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  3. Speaking of that comment, you just made me laugh out loud. Also, didn’t something like this happen throughout the movie Can’t Buy Me Love?

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  4. Not exactly. John, the blonde football player had a gas problem that manifested itself at a party that Seth Green was staking out from outside an open window. Seth got farted on. I know because I have seen this film approximately 413 times.

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  5. Also, because Toby is likely sleeping as well, maybe HE doesn’t know that he’s farting all over you. (And with that comment, Toby will not live to see 30. Sorry Toby.)

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  6. Yeah, I just heard him fall over. He farted on the way down.
    I totally forgot that was seth green! Holy crap.

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  7. Wait until you have kids. Its mind boggling how often your infants will vomit, urinate and defecate on you. As they get older they tend not to shit on you as much, but they do fart (often at meal times or while cuddling) and will continue to vomit all over you (at least my third grader does). Fortunately kids stop the frequent puking once they start eating real foods. Unfortunately, when they do puke it’s the result of illness (which means you can start counting the hours until you’re stricken by whatever is infecting them).

    I must say that it’s very rare that a total stranger farts on me. It occasionally happens during rugby matches, but you can always rake your spiked boots over their back if it really bothers you that much.

    Once, years ago after a big dinner with lots of broccoli and cheese, I farted in bed. It was so offensive that it woke up poor MrsJesus, but she believed me when I blamed the cat. She went back to sleep but the cat never forgave me.

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  8. GotJesus, tears. TEARS, I TELL YOU! Thank you!

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  9. Bailey farts on me all the time.

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  10. Farting seems like too innocent of a word for what she does though.

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  11. My cats never fart. It’s annoying, too. I wish there was something to blame any foreign unclaimed smell on. DAMN THEM FOR NOT FARTING. Clearly, we need a dog.

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  12. I wrote to Toby earlier, I wrote: LET’S HAVE A BABY! On AIM and he rejected me. Kept saying words like “house” and “money” and “car” and “insurance”. What the hell is that all about?

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  13. he’s just afraid of the blood, shit and screaming. and that’s just childbirth. wait til the kid gets home!

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  14. “Blood, Shit and Screaming” is the name of my new band. Maybe Margaret will play the violin in this new band.

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  15. That’s funny. They’re the nicknames for my three kids, too.

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  16. They can be my back up singers.

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  17. Sure! (If you don’t mind being farted on.)

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  18. Yesterday, my dog Buster did something that can’t even be classified as a fart. It was The. Most. Noxious. Gas. in the world and made the entire living room smell like he had just take a big (Toby, avert your eyes) NASTY DUMP in the middle of the room. IT WAS AWFUL, I TELL YOU. It singed my nasal hair off!

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  19. I remember once Jeff farted in Aaron’s mouth … that was classic ??

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  20. One of my guy friends used to casually fart into a fan that was directed at his roommate. It was like a fart assault.

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