forgive me, but the following post will be written in all caps

SOME ASSCLOWN STOLE THE GOD DAMN NEW YORK TIMES OFF OF OUR GOD DAMN FRONT PORCH. HOW TOTALLY HUMOROUS OF THIS ASSHOLE; STEALING MY NEWSPAPER THE SAME DAY I WROTE ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE THE BLOODY THING.

TO THE ASSHOLE: MAY THE INK FROM ITS PERFECT PAGES FOREVER STAIN YOUR HANDS. MAY YOU SUFFER PAPER CUTS. MAY IT CATCH FIRE AND BURN OFF YOUR EYEBROWS.

HOW DARE YOU STEAL FROM A MENSTRUATING WOMAN.