It’s happening again. It seems I’m having anxiety attack after panic attack after fear attack after lie in bed and sweat and freak out attack. Why does this happen to me? Is it because I’m flying back east on Thursday? Is it because once that’s over, I have to come back here? Is it because I placed myself years ago, much further beyond where I am now at 30? Am I just like this?
So what does one do when they feel down and angry and alienated? They blame everyone else but themselves. Yay! Great idea! That said, please try and forgive me for this post ahead of time.
Things were going well out here for a while. I guess. If you were to lay everything out before you, like pieces making up some grand puzzle, to the eye things probably seem just fine. Especially since we all know that others have it much worse. As a matter of fact, one might tell me to stop my whining and that I’m consistently over-reacting. And that this sort of rant is getting old and that I’m a total bore. Hell, I bore myself. And should someone say all of this to me, they’d probably be right. And I would probably agree with them.
Things aren’t going well again. I want to leave. I want to head back east for good. I want to live everywhere and nowhere. I want a porch and a house and I want to be able to afford it. Period. I want to be able to afford to have a baby. I want to FINALLY relax and free myself of debt and worry and anxiety and fear. I want to sleep at night. The ENTIRE night through. I really want some fucking health insurance.
About two weeks ago, Toby and I were invited to join an online (private) forum. It is filled with friends of ours from way back when – from back when we lived in NYC. It’s sort of nice to be in contact with them again, even if it is only online. I have been doing a lot of ranting over there, getting a feel for what the past three years have done for others. And unlike many online communities, this one doesn’t seem to turn into a total scream fest where people are told they’re stupid and that their views mean nothing. And since I have ZERO friends here, (outside of TobyJoe and three really awesome cats) I enjoy their company, even if it is only PHP. On Saturday, I was on there ranting about the San Francisco Underground (yes, again). And a few people chimed in. Basically, the conversation began light and then, eventually, it turned into some kind of San Francisco BASH FEST and all I wanted to do was get the hell out of here. If you could have moved me that night. I would have done so instantly. I’m that kid at the slumber party who is picked up in the middle of the night because he or she misses their mommy.
Now, I realize that I’m out of line for saying an ENTIRE city sucks. I know this is just my way of making my possible failure out here NOT about me but something intangible and absent. I realize I’m the weak one. Should I turn the fingers back around on me, I will surely lose my grip entirely and probably just start screaming, (sort of like Homer did when he uncovered something dark from his childhood).
I’m just not “getting it” I guess. I am tired of hearing people talk about how Lucy’s nanny is going to teach her spanish. I am sick of hearing about what so-and-so created and how many awards it’s won. I am sick of hearing about the weather and the fog and the ocean and the hills. I have no car, I can’t get there. And I have all but given up on the MUNI, it fails us constantly. I don’t understand how someone can get a ticket for NOT having a hand break on a track bike, but no one here needs to wear a helmet. (Are people that stupid?! Well, I guess someone voted for Arnold.) I don’t understand why houses that totally suck cost 750 thousand dollars. I don’t understand why I can’t just relax here.
(I just don’t think she likes me.)
And please, don’t hold this post against me. I know that I might change my mind tomorrow. The unedited version of this post, the one I wrote for myself, is far more harsh. The unedited version features the ENTIRE thread from that online community. But that’s just so much to read. At the time it felt like the only way I knew how to make myself feel better after giving up an entire night’s sleep to a genuine fear and anxiety of my not fitting in.
I want to find home. And I want to leave my hatred on its front porch.
I’m asking for forgiveness for feeling so hateful. I’m not normally like this. I just want some good old fashion shade and maybe an iced tea.