I Put the Clark in His Superman

Whoever decided that Hell is a place you go AFTER you’re evil and you die was a little off. I am here to testify on behalf of those living life with a little Hell. Hell doesn’t have to be all-consuming. It can be a smalll. Hell can wiggle itself into mere minutes making up entire days and during these moments, when Hell comes to visit, Hell is worse than an all-consuming Hell because it’s easily compared to what the minute was like BEFORE Hell showed up. Hell sucks. And if you should believe that Hell is filled with an assload of fire, then mine is sort of like this:

I’m pretty neurotic. At times, I am whole-heartedly neurotic. And I do believe that my neuroses is an enabler (or lack there of) to my depression that comes from time to time as well. For example, when I don’t have anything to worry (and fret and become neurotic) over, I become depressed. Perhaps I need to put my mind someplace at all times. I don’t know. I do know that at some point, I got a hold of my neurotic behavior just enough to stop all the insane self-diagnosis. I’m not sure when that finally happen. It could have been the time I decided that I could no longer swallow my spit after it had been in my mouth for longer than 2 seconds because it was dirty (even now, as I think about this, I start swallowing excessively.) Maybe I stopped playing doctor after I convinced myself that I might have internal male organs which hadn’t dropped yet. Or was it the Meningitis that finally stopped me? I don’t remember. But I do know that I fired myself from self-diagnosing myself.

This neurosis began early, too. I was once terrified of skeletons. When my very pleasant, all-caring mother (in an attempt to alleviate me of this fear of boney skinny things) informed me that I had one actually LIVING INSIDE OF ME. I became afraid of myself, believing that at any given moment this raunchy bitch might decide to bust out of my skin and leave me for blob.

Toby’s pretty neurotic as well. He’s neurotic in different ways. He worries more for other people than he does himself. He’s a self-diagnosed, non-practicing, non-religious Catholic. He worries about everything. And retrospectively, he thinks he could have controlled everything, but only after the fact and only if the fact didn’t prove positive. Basically, like any other decent self-hating Catholic, he is responsible for almost all things that go wrong.

Most of the time, Toby and my neuroses don’t meet. The days where I come down with a deadly new disease like Skeleton, he’s talking me down, letting me know that if Skeleton should exist it’d be too weak to break through the skin. On the days where he realizes he could have stopped Gacy from purchasing his first clown suit, I’m letting him know there are just way too many clown suits out there and he didn’t stand a chance. We work well together. Usually.

Over the past several months, my shins have decided to start turning themselves inside out. Basically, the underside of my skin has decided that it has been in the dark for long enough and it wants some sunshine. So it’s begun the transition. To put it simply, at 30, I have discovered a new form of Hell (especially for a fidgety, neurotic person with hands) called Excema. And boy does it suck. My legs itch constantly. They itch so badly they feel ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL when I scratch the color out of them. I have stopped doing that, now. I realize this was some sick catch 22, that I was placing myself into some conundrum, (not entirely unlike ‘No Exit’ or Sisyphus, and other cyclical stories about Hell.)

And I realize that this is a self-diagnosis (for now) and that’s because we don’t have active health insurance at the moment. But I am pretty sure I am right. You might argue that I am over-reacting, that maybe it’s just dried skin.

Here are the other choices:

  • A). I have Herpes of the legs.
  • B). I am dying of the Ebola Virus, or
  • C). My skeleton has finally figured out a way to exit my body.

Excema isn’t such a bad self-diagnosis. I assure you.

Let’s visit Razor Mountain.

Yesterday I was sitting with Toby at a local brunch joint. He was telling me about all the things he could have stopped, I was telling him about all the neurotic little piles.

“Piles?”

“Yes, piles.” I answered

“What piles?”

“Well, for example, where do all the human razors go? They don’t biodegrade. We just use them, we throw them away, they go someplace, ALL OF THEM and then stay there forever. Somewhere there are just piles of yellow, blue, orange, clear, opaque plastic razors. There are razors without handles, razors from England, Japan, and America. I hate knowing about all those razors.”

“Hmmmm, well caring about the environment and thinking it’s a neurosis are two entirely different things.” He tried to relax me.

“Not if this idea kept me from changing my razor for months on end my entire shaving life.”

“Yeah, I’d say that’s a neurosis.”

I think I have given myself Excema. And now I do believe whatever it is going wrong with my legs was born directly out of my fear of Razor Mountain. All these years I have said, “One more shave! It can last for one more shave!” have finally piled up (oh dear we have an overlap on piles) and paid off. I fear I have given myself a skin disorder by way of a neurosis. (Oh why didn’t I remain a full-on hippie? Why did I start to shave again at all?)

Am I being neurotic still? A little. Am I making this all up in search of a reason? Perhaps. But I do know one thing, I am willing to bet that in a few days Toby will let me know that there was something HE COULD HAVE DONE to prevent this from happening.

Like I said, we work well together.

33 Comments

  1. I’m pretty sure everyone thinks you’re a freak.

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  2. Did that lotion help at all?

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  3. Not even in the slightest. :[

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  4. maybe it’s time…

    seriously

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  5. help is on the way: 7-10 business days.

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  6. If it is eczema, check your diet…also, some of the stuff belly uses is perscribed by her DR…..But I have been told to add flax oil to her diet. Maybe you can try that…

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  7. DonaldEugene, been there. Done that. (Actually, thus far, it’s the only thing that helped. I only had one small sample pack and now it’s gone. GONE! GONE!!!)

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  8. more is in the mail hon!

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  9. If you’re serious and you ever want babies, I’m you’re girl.

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  10. hmmmm I’m YOUR girl. Not, you ARE girl. I am not very bright. So maybe wanting me to have your babies is a bad idea.

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  11. it is comforting to know that someone is as crazy as me! hugz we should band together!

    i’ve also developed eczema… maybe it is caused by constant fretting and general freaking out.

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  12. oh my – you are neurotic (razor mountain? wtf?). maybe air and sun will help? i mean you have loads of sun there and the air should be fine, too.. that helps with my “neurodermitis” (that’s the german word for it – don’t know the translation).

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  13. Here’s a monty python link for you. I’m So Worried

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  14. ha! You are a freak. A total Freak.

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  15. The National Eczema Society says “The causes of certain types of eczema remain to be explained, though links with environmental factors and stress are being explored.” Hmmm. Maybe you should be studied!

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  16. Well, narrowing it down, I did move across the damn country after NEVER being here and living east all my life, PLUS I have no job. I’d say I hit both those categories pretty dead-on, wouldn’t you? But I’m coming back east in a week! Wooo! Watch it all clear up.

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  17. I’ve seen razor hills—if you’ve lived in an old house with an old style bathroom mirror cabinet you’ll recall seeing little slots for razor disposal. This is an ingenious invention to rid the home of unsightly razor blades (the old fashioned straight blades). When you remove the cabinet, you’ll find a treasure trove of ancient, rusted razor blades. Out of sight, out of mind!!! Come on Michele, ignorance is such bliss!

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  18. There you go. You’re allergic to California. Are there pills or a cream for that?

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  19. Michele, I had thoughts about that sort of thing as well. I mean, who in their right mind thought putting a slot INSIDE a sink for old razors was a good idea? People are weird. Those things are like little monster holes.

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  20. Tomorrow’s Topic: Individually wrapped pieces of yellow cheese.

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  21. I think the correct term is “American cheese product” and with a name like that, is should be individually wrapped.

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  22. We must fight this power. Some feel the need to stop all the SUVs. I say we aim for the American Cheese Product. Saving the planet one slice at a time.

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  23. Can we kill two birds with one stone and fight the SUVs with American Cheese Product?

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  24. My son loves american cheese, but it has to be white and can never be the individually wrapped processed stuff (it must be sliced from a honkin’ big block at the deli counter). He’s a big fussy thing, but he loves broccoli and lima beans, is thoughtful and considerate of his younger brother and sister, and practices his violin daily, so we indulge this understandable intolerance for crappy food.

    I just realized that this kid is SO going to get beat up when he is older.

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  25. Mihow, there is indeed some cream coming to you via the UPS Ground. Concerning your offer I think a human child is a big leap considering I just mastered ‘houseplant’ Can you maybe bare me a batch of sea monkeys or a hermit crab instead?

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  26. Aw, Mihow, I totally feel for you. I also suffer from all sorts of neuroses and also excema. :( I put tons of cetaphil lotion on at night, it helps.

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  27. p.s. loving the pictures in this post.

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  28. Hello

    I have had Excema for 7 years years now, and it sounds like thats what you have as well. Since you dont have med coverage (but really the creams they give you only work for so long, and you usually end up with more problems later), here are a few things you can try.

    1) use only creams with mild perfume, Coco Butter is a cream that can treat mild Excema.

    2) use soaps with only mild perfumes, like Dove.

    3)Laundry detergent may also be irratating your skin, ABC detergent is what I use.

    4) Tea Tree oil can reduce swelling, dab a few drops on a tissue, and wipe on legs after shower.

    Excema can be brought on by stress, I went in for a biopsy once and came out quite the itchy mess. Also allergens, like dust and animals can also bring on Excema.

    I hope this helps.

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  29. Nicole, it certainly does help. Thank you. I was very stressed out when it hit me hard back when this was written. Now, it’s a bit better. I will try what you’ve suggested.

    Stop by the homepage some time, check out what’s current on mihow.com.

    click here

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  30. if you have dry skin use glaxal base Cream i have terrible excema since ive been pregnant and i love that shit. Glaxal base works great also a antibacterial soap would be good to use because a infection can be caused from excema and you will turn into a big rash. TRUST ME… crying from drying in canada.

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  31. Your not crazy….. Or add me to your crazy train. I have the same thing, the same self diagnosis. It seemed as though I was writing this.
    It’s all too scary, back in HS, I was hippie too, didn’t shave my legs until I felt like i wanted to, didn’t care. Between not being able to take a HOT shower or bath and stress, the unsightlyness is enough to turn anyone off. I wear jeans year round.
    I hear you!!
    How is it now?? Have you seen a dr Any advice??

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  32. I have the excema on the shins too!! Someone was asking me about it and I did a little search and ran across you blog.
    I use this cream called clobetasol propionate usp, 0.05% oinment and it makes the itching go away.

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  33. Thank you, Adriana. I’ll look into it. I’m 5 months pregnant now, so I wonder if it’s safe for unborn babies. I’ll peruse.

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