Morphine

Lately, I have been missing New York, well, the east coast in general. So much so, I think about it nearly every waking moment of my day. I’m not sure what it is, or why it is, but it just is. It feels like someone yanked the plug and let the water out. My head is emptying right before my eyes. My care and desire is being drained.

I’m probably just blowing my homesickness way out of proportion. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure of it. I tend to do this. I glorify the past, hope for the future, and spit on the now. But this doesn’t help me; identifying the problem and still feeling so damn wrong.

I am not sure where I’m going with this. I’m never really sure. I guess it’s just right to put it down, that way, in the future, I can look back on it and decide if it was ever true at all.

Lately, I have felt like I’m on a long trip, a diversion just to get back there one day. I knew I would return sometime, I said as much back when we were leaving. The thing is, and maybe it’s because I’m so far away from all the people I love (excpet for one, my boy Toby. And he’s just the best. I can’t imagine my life, this life, here, without him. He’s unbelievably special, and as more and more people are realizing this around me, I become more and more amazed that he chose me) but sometimes I want then to come sooner. I want to meet my life now.

I feel like my voice is smaller out here, like I’m barely getting by with a whisper, though screaming. I find it hard to pick up the phone. I think, “No one will hear me anyway”. (And most of the time this is true. We don’t get much cell service out here).

Just now, something lifted me from the sofa and brought me to a book I read years ago. On the inside, before it starts, is a quote. And every time I read it, I get teary. I choke myself up. This quote, along with a line from Magnolia when William H. Macy says “I really do have love to give; I just don’t know where to put it.” are two personal favorites.

Below, is the other one. My goodness, do I love these few words. They’re like a perfect equation. A sound, profound real sadness. One that, dare I say, I envy.

Nobody heard him, the dead man,

But still he lay moaning:_

I was much further out than I thought

And not waving but drowning.

I am sick for home. And it’s almost tangible. It’s almost phyiscal—my longing. My mind needs a vacation from itself.

(Toby, even though you’re sitting right next to me and I could turn my head and tell you this directly, I am so sorry you have to put up with all my stupid mental baggage and mood swings all the time. Believe me, I wish I could change that bit about myself. But things are never that bad. You know this. You also know that I love you dearly and no matter where we are, nothing will change that fact. And already I feel better just writing that down).

7 Comments

  1. Mihow, I feel your pain. I have only been here in NYC for only a couple of days and I have to leave tmw. Granted I am only going down to DC for a couple of days but the thought that I have to eventually head back west is not something I am wanting to accept at this time. I keep trying to come up with ways in which we can move back east…NYC in particular but if it is DC then I would be just as happy. sigh. There needs to be a place where we can all live with everyone we love in our own town that has all the cool qualities we like from all of the places we have lived… is this possible?

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  2. Something I saved years ago during my last move:
    “Pining for one place while living in another is a typically American state of mind. In 1790 most Americans lived on the Atlantic seaboard and dreamed about life back home in England. In 1890 new settlerss in the midwest and west wrote long, melancholy letters to their families in the East and Europe. As a nation we’ve always celebrated the urge to pack up and move somewhere else in search of greater opportunity even if it also meant enduring a personal loss.”

    We are all only a call away.

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  3. thinking of you, mihow.. ;o)

    this is what i’m worried about might either happen to my babe being over here in germany or to me being over there eventually. scary, but the only way for us being together is that one gives up his home country. right now i feel like i don’t care where i am as long as i am with him. but i know it won’t work like that for good..

    i hope you’re having a nice and cozy weekend with toby!

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  4. zQ?xxcs?zSxry AQAHG2

    BROUGHT TO YOU BY SIMONE!

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  5. Oh honey—you’ve caught the “mean reds malaise” that has been going around. (I have solved this riddle and explained it in my post today) PLUS, you just moved. Now really. It is a process to settle into a new place. It takes time and then some more time and then some more til it feels like home. Be patient with yourself. Hope your Sunday brings you some good energies.

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  6. I’m sorry you’re still blue about SF. Change is never easy.

    I read an article today about Irish Immigrants, and how right before they would leave Ireland, they would have these parties called, “American Wakes” because there was a good chance their families would never see them again. You’re lucky in the fact that your family and friends are only a phone call (or a plane, train, automobile ride) away.

    Hang in there, darlin’.

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  7. Thanks, ya’all. I am feeling worlds better today than I was yesterday. We spent the day sitting on the beach with our neighbors, Bob and Cass. They’re great people. It’s nice having them live right across the hall. Plus, they cuss and enjoy cheese. I have to admit, however, things might be quiet around mihow.com for a bit (key word “might”). I think I need to step away from the computer for a whlie and get a hold of my moody mind. We’ll see. Thank you for all the kind words and dealing with my head every day. I’m sure I’ll be back shortly. It’s time to pick up the phone and book some mother-humping plane tickets and car rentals. There’s just so much to explore to the left! Am I right?

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